Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

New Coca-Cola Ads Wondering How You All Got So Fat

'If you want to grow LARGER like me, Sandy Claws, please drinks 72 ounces of Coke per mealtime.'Here is a disgusting fact you probably don't think enough about, unless you're Michael Bloomberg resting between other public tragedies such as climate change and the slaughter of children: The primary source of calories for Americans is "caloric beverages." Meaning, on top of all the repulsive processed food and industrial fat-meat Americans eat around the clock, corn-syrup drinks provide the largest percentage of calories per American.

Coca-Cola, which adds corn syrup to water at factories around the world, is finally spending your money to buy commercials on the cable-news channels to tell you about this problem.

"Today, we'd like people to come together on something that concerns all of us: obesity," says a soothing female voice over images of smiling Americans and Coca-Cola products. "The long-term health of our families and the country is at stake."

Coca-Cola executives announced that as of tomorrow, all sweetened fizzy drinks will be voluntarily recalled and never again manufactured, while "hydration stations" featuring cool, clear water from local sources will be made available at all public and private schools, hospitals and farmers markets thanks to a $7.3 billion endowment from the soda giant. Just kidding, ha ha, the commercial on cable-news channels watched by people in their 70s, that's the whole anti-obesity campaign.

8 Comments / Post A Comment

Pop Socket (#187)

Like a cigarette company funding cancer research.

Moxie (#81,363)

I don't drink soda, but I drink a lot of beer. What about the beer research?

hershmire (#233,671)

I happened to watch the NBC Nightly News last night and the last ten minutes were a "story" about how Coke is pushing back with a new pro-healthy ad campaign. The video for this? About 9.5 minutes of classic Coke commercials and 30 seconds of soda cups being filled up.


Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

You want people to drink water? Like out of the toilet?

@Lockheed Ventura Water? No thank you. Fish make love in it, you know.

melis (#1,854)

Woodhouse, you scoundrel! Is this brandy?

Madeline Shoes (#240,390)

This is relevant to my curiosity from this morning! I definitely saw one of Coke's new billboards that says "140 calories per can!" I wasn't sure if they wanted that to be a positive thing or a negative thing, but now I know they think it's a positive. I, however, am skeptical.

mattcornell (#3,429)

I don't care whether Coca-Cola joins the war on obesity. I just want them to stop murdering union organizers.


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