Monday, December 17th, 2012
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Our Top 11 Movies to Skip This Holiday Season

11. Parental Guidance. Starring Zombie Billy Crystal.

10. The Impossible. Upside: Ewan McGregor likely to be shirtless. Downside: distressing death and dying and disaster, in a real-life thing that happened, but was actually so much worse than even this. (This movie is supposed to be very, very good, but I cannot.)

9. On the Road. "Jack Kerouac’s iconic novel about the Beat Generation comes to the big screen starring Kristen Stewart."

8. Jack Reacher. LOL IDK with this. But what if it's another Tom Cruise awesome surprise movie, like Knight and Day? WHAT THEN?

7. Amour. I adore you, Michael Haneke. But I need my incredibly glacial films about mortality to be punctuated with sudden unexpected moments of horrific violence.

6. Anna Karenina. Hurry, train.

5. The Guilt Trip. ("An inventor and his mom hit the road together so he can sell his latest invention.")

4. Lincoln. I love you Tony Kushner. Someday I will watch this with my eyes closed, just to listen to your script.

3. Les Miserables. "FUCKING PONDEROUS." —Casey Kasem

2. Cirque de Soleil: Worlds Away. "Mia and the aerialist become separated and travel in a place that exists between life and death to find each other again."

1. Zero Dark Thirty. "The movie begins at the primal moment: the screen is black as we hear the frightened voices of people trapped in the World Trade Center on 9/11." PASS.

39 Comments / Post A Comment

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Ouch at that On the Road synopsis.

But man, I loves me some Barbra on the screen, so I'll probably see Guilt Trip. Not in theatres, mind, but one day.

shostakobitch (#1,692)

I will not be avoiding Tom Berenger's "Sniper" on VHS at my grandparents' house.

tomme (#4,473)

@shostakobitch Listen to your friend, Billy Zane.

sigerson (#179)

Not sure how The Never Ending Hobbit doesn't make it on this list.

Bittersweet (#765)

@sigerson I enjoyed The Hobbit. Looking forward to the Misty Mountains Orc Killing Spree ride at Universal Orlando.

Eric Spiegelman (#3,968)

WARNING

SKIP "THIS IS 40"

SO BAD

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@Eric Spiegelman It looks execrable.

jfruh (#713)

But will the Cirque de Soleil maybe have subtitles for the moon-man language they always speak?

I laughed hard (on the inside 'cause I'm at work) at the synopsis for Anna Karenina.

LondonLee (#922)

I saw the Jack Reacher trailer before 'Skyfall' and I swear it actually contained the line HE DOESN'T PLAY BY THE RULES.

Daniel Craig would crush Tom Cruise into tiny pieces and make a cufflink out of him.

freetzy (#7,018)

@LondonLee More like "A Fewer Gooder Men" amirite?

@LondonLee Tom Cruise is already tiny pieces. And am I old-fashioned that in a movie with people named "Tom Cruise" and "Jack Reacher" in it there should be at least some anal?

Nabonwe (#12,500)

"The Impossible (Spanish: Lo Imposible) is a 2012 English-language Spanish disaster drama film directed by Juan Antonio Bayona from a screenplay written by Sergio G. Sánchez, starring Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor. It tells the true story of a Spanish (though portrayed as British) family's experience of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami."

The ambiguous Spanishness of this project intrigues me.

emberglance (#7,305)

If you can, try Berberian Sound Studio. Good family fun for all ages (if you're a fan of Eraserhead and Polanski's The Tenant). Not sure it's got any proper US release yet, though…

LondonLee (#922)

@emberglance I'm interested in that because the soundtrack is by Broadcast.

emberglance (#7,305)

@LondonLee Yep, the music works nicely with the setting and there's lots of lovely Trish Keenan vocals. I believe the s/t's coming out on Warp in Jan.

LondonLee (#922)

Oh, Trish. So sad.

Leon (#6,596)

9. On the Road. "Jack Kerouac’s ironic novel about the Beat Generation comes to the third screen starring Kristen Stewart."

City_Dater (#2,500)

Kristen Stewart is absolutely vacant-eyed enough for Sal. If only that sparkly vampire boy was cast as Dean, but one of the Olsen twins would work too.

keisertroll (#1,117)

I wish Billy Joel wrote a song about "On The Road". 'This book was first written by Jack KEROUAC-AC-AC-AC-AC…'

Mr. B (#10,093)

10. How a third-world disaster inconvenienced some rich pretty white people.

9. Not that I'm worried Kristen Stewart will fuck it up, since I'm in the that-book-sucks-anyway camp to begin with.

8. Yeah ok but Werner Herzog plays a villian in it

4. Is this anti-Spielberg snobbery? It's anti-Spielberg snobbery, isn't it.

1. FUCK YOU ALL I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS FLICK AND TO BE OFFENDED/INFOTAINED BY THE TORTURE SCENES

saythatscool (#101)

@Mr. B You have expressed my thoughts as well.

Danzig! (#5,318)

@Mr. B From everything I've heard, Spielberg's remarkably restrained w/r/t Lincoln, some saccharine music cues aside.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Danzig! I can vouch for that. If the last, oh, 10 to 15 minutes were cut out, it would be more or less perfect. Flaws and all, it's pretty great as it stands.

mattcornell (#3,429)

@Danzig! Lincoln is like watching a Wikipedia page. You have been warned.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

I've previously said here (and have been criticized for it, but held my ground) that as a general rule, I skip war movies, period pieces, and biographies. Plenty of movies suffer from not-strong-enough filmmaking (when compared to the story, the script, or the idea behind them), but those that fall into these three categories end up with their filmmaking backbone getting completely crushed by the strength of their subject matter.

Every once in a while, however, someone with enough of a filmmaking muscle rises up the the challenge. After hearing enough about The Hurt Locker, I finally broke down and made an exception for it (which I didn't regret). Based on that, I will give Kathryn Bigelow the benefit of the doubt. It would be really awesome if Zero Dark Thirty manages to not be stupid. It's great that "we" "killed Bin Laden" and everything that implies, but it would be really awesome if on the "system works" cake we could also put the "art as redemption" cherry.

mattcornell (#3,429)

@Niko Bellic Doubtful that anything redeems torture. This movie was essentially made by the CIA.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@mattcornell I just read a bit more about that issue, and found this concerning quote from Mark Boal, the screenwriter: "Before we even wrote it, it was an Obama campaign commercial, which was preposterous. Now it's pro-torture, which is preposterous." He seems to be oblivious to the fact that being pro-Obama and pro-torture are not two opposite things (or at "best", doesn't really care about the fact that more intelligent among his audience know better). That doesn't bode well for any political commentary the movie might be making.

mark etc@twitter (#224,285)

for what it's worth, the new anna karenina manages to cover a thousand-page novel faithfully in less than two hours, while also being a genuinely great movie on its own. i feel like the reason it's not getting taken seriously is because it's gay and fabulous, which… it's very gay and very fabulous.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@mark etc@twitter I read Anna Karenina in middle school and it covered my entire mind and soul (and then some). I doubt any two hour movie could do the same at this point in my life, so this one better be super gay fabulous, because that's the only thing it may have going for it.

Bryan Keller (#3,804)

The Guilt Trip. Christmas day. Jdate for gays.

alorsenfants (#139)

Not sure what this signifies, but John Grisham showed up in the restaurant after only an hour of "Anna Karenina"?
Surprised you included "Amour", pleased you didn't mention "Silver Linings Playbook". Saying –

Jay Kang (#7,344)

I kinda want to see Kristen Stewart star in the Bell Jar. WHERE DOES THAT RANK?

Jay Deiboldt (#240,252)

Where is the location of that park?

Wow. I thought there was no job more cushy, lazy, and useless than a movie critic. But apparently now with the internet, where any self-important moron has access to a bully pulpit, apparently it is not even necessary to actually watch the movie before telling people to avoid it.
But maybe you're on to something. I am taking my family out to dinner this weekend. Are there any restaurants that you have never visited that you would not recommend?

RatNRoll10036 (#240,370)

@Ronnie Applewhite@facebook What do you expect from these brainless fucking jerkoffs?

RatNRoll10036 (#240,370)

Without Les Mis, Zero Dark Thirty and Lincoln, you would have NOTHING to see this holiday season, you The Awl people. What a bunch of souless people you are.

kalbitothana (#241,862)

I am interested in this topic and would like to find out some more information as my friend need information on this topic. Do you have any other articles about this?
Breath Test Refusal

misiekpl (#242,183)

Every once in a while, however, someone with enough of a filmmaking muscle rises up the the challenge. After hearing enough about The Hurt Locker, I finally broke down and made an exception for it (which I didn't regret). Based on that, I will give Kathryn Bigelow the benefit of the doubt. It would be really awesome if Zero Dark Thirty manages to not be stupid. It's great that "we" "killed Bin Laden" and everything that implies, e-papierosy but it would be really awesome if on the "system works" cake we could also put the "art as redemption" cherry.

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