Our Top 11 Movies to Skip This Holiday Season

11. Parental Guidance. Starring Zombie Billy Crystal.

10. The Impossible. Upside: Ewan McGregor likely to be shirtless. Downside: distressing death and dying and disaster, in a real-life thing that happened, but was actually so much worse than even this. (This movie is supposed to be very, very good, but I cannot.)

9. On the Road. “Jack Kerouac’s iconic novel about the Beat Generation comes to the big screen starring Kristen Stewart.”

8. Jack Reacher. LOL IDK with this. But what if it’s another Tom Cruise awesome surprise movie, like Knight and Day? WHAT THEN?

7. Amour. I adore you, Michael Haneke. But I need my incredibly glacial films about mortality to be punctuated with sudden unexpected moments of horrific violence.

6. Anna Karenina. Hurry, train.

5. The Guilt Trip. (“An inventor and his mom hit the road together so he can sell his latest invention.”)

4. Lincoln. I love you Tony Kushner. Someday I will watch this with my eyes closed, just to listen to your script.

3. Les Miserables. “FUCKING PONDEROUS.” —Casey Kasem

2. Cirque de Soleil: Worlds Away. “Mia and the aerialist become separated and travel in a place that exists between life and death to find each other again.”

1. Zero Dark Thirty. “The movie begins at the primal moment: the screen is black as we hear the frightened voices of people trapped in the World Trade Center on 9/11.” PASS.