Monday, December 3rd, 2012

Car Commercial Perplexing, Disturbing

A lonely rich woman checks Facebook on her iPad. She sees that Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine is having a Christmas party. This very night! She apparently doesn't know Adam Levine. At least, not well enough to be friends with him (yet!) on Facebook. But she gets a devilish idea, and imagines herself crashing the party and cackling maniacally. She goes and changes out of her house clothes into a fancy dress and a Nefertiti necklace and puts her hair up and drives to the party, fast. Alone in the car, she practices making the facial expressions she hopes will help her get in to the party. (Since she doesn't know Adam Levine, she is unaware of the numerous women he has DEFINITELY MURDERED IN HIS BASEMENT TORTURE MAZE.) When she arrives at the party, which is in the Philip Johnson Glass House, way, way overstrewn with Christmas lights, she realizes she should not have gotten so dressed up—Adam Levine has not even bothered to shave. But she does the fake smiling that she practiced on the way there and catches Adam Levine's eye and they go outside, in the snow, to talk. He fake-smiles at her, too. (DON'T GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, LADY!)

"This December, remember: What starts with adding a friend could end with adding a close friend," says an announcer.

They are going to have sex, the woman and Adam Levine. Maybe they will get married. And so she is… happy? No, clearly, she still feels cold and empty inside.

The name of the commercial is "Friend."

Related: How Jack Spent His Way To Interesting

11 Comments / Post A Comment

carpet (#235,557)

i usually consider dave bry to be that annoying guy at a party who just NEEDS to show you this amazing/hilarous/wtf/insane/classic youtube video. and no doubt he is.
however coincidentally i was talking about this terrible commercial in a similar manner last night. then again i suppose i never felt the need to broadcast those thoughts to the internet

Cooper (#5,827)

@carpet "then again i suppose i never felt the need to broadcast those thoughts to the internet." And yet, here we are.

deepomega (#1,720)

@carpet Oh no! Someone stole your private diary and posted an entry from it on the internet!

Mr. B (#10,093)

@carpet You owe Dave Bry a public apology.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@carpet I'm surprised the name "Carpet" hasn't been taken as a username before #235,000

keisertroll (#1,117)

If I die during the holidays I want my casket decorated with a bow and put on the driveway of my enemies. Which will then explode.

You know that's not really Adam Levine, right? Not all skinny good-looking white guys with non-threatening facial hair are Adam Levine, though I understand the confusion.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@Kati Stevens@twitter You understood nothing, Kati Stevens. Now give me your car.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

@Kati Stevens@twitter Not only is that Adam Levine, but the sexy brunette is none other than Sarah Silverman! The real mystery here is why are Adam Levine and Sarah Silverman celebrating Christmas.

Other mystery is where are their coats?

@Niko Bellic Actually, I've understood like four things in my life, which is why I am currently the proud owner of a 2008 Chevy Aveo that still has some of its original paint. Next time you're in LA, it's yours.

PoignancySelz (#238,693)

For the whole of this millennia these Lexus commercials have been the definition of smug and self-assured. Like the crass consumerism and spiritual evisceration of what should be the thoughtful acknowledgement of the winter solstice, the red bow on the vapid vehicles has made me sad and nauseous for too long — dreading the coming of mid-November.
However, funny story, my friends stuck one of those big red bows on my car four years ago. I was certainly not shy about pointing out my disdain for all things Lexus.
Now this really soft porn. I'd rather have stool injected into my gums than watch this drivel. I guess poignancy and sex and haughtiness do sell.

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