This year everyone one was saying (again!) that the Internet is a nice place to hang out. Listen, I grew up as the Internet grew up, and between the mystery AIM screen names we used to bully each other, the group Xangas where we trashed our friends, and the real life Gossip Girl clones and college slut-shaming sites that popped up as I grew up, I know that the Internet can never be a nice place. Also, I’m not sure what Internet everyone else has been using, but my Internet in 2012 was filled with subtweeting and shit-slinging all around. No one rules the Internet like the evil among us.
But there’s really only one thing I need to restore my faith in humanity and that’s my one and only Canadian heartthrob with the brow bone that could break me into one million pieces. Perhaps I’m going a bit overboard, but my favorite web thing of the year had to be what’s known as “Inspirational Drake.”
It’s pictures of Drake with inspirational quotes written all over his mug in all types of swirly and boldfaced fonts. The best thing about them is that the large majority of these quotes aren’t even song lyrics from his songs, they’re just anonymous aphorisms for the lonely and the under-appreciated. They’re like pictures of cats that get your groove back because, well, Drake.
Above are some of the finer examples of Inspirational Drake, the last one being my favorite. Although Drake never said that quote about “dirty looks and rumors” one can almost imagine him warbling it out on a 40 beat. Only the fourth one is a real Drake lyric (it’s from the tender “Houstalantavegas“) and it’s sadly the least moving one.
In terms of popularity, Inspirational Drake is on the really low end of the scale, which is great. If it were a movie in 2012, it would have to be The Five-Year Engagement, that sleeper romantic comedy with Emily Blunt and Jason Segel. It was kind of sweet and just left alone. A comparable album would be Brandy’s Two Eleven: good, but largely ignored. If it were a Drake feature from 2012, it would definitely not have the fame and umph of his summer smash “Pop That,” but it’s way more alike in tone and popularity with his assist on Mary J. Blige’s, “Mr. Wrong.”
You can stick these Drake pictures anywhere really. I think Instagram is pretty much the most appropriate place though. Definitely not for Twitter.
A good way to read them is picturing Drake saying them like the outro to one of his most bitter kiss off songs, “Shot For Me.” Thanks to that YouTube video we’ve just created another one to add to the canon:
It’s that easy, folks.
But the real best way to think of these image macros, sorry!, is to picture them not written by lovesick teens or bloggers in hopeless unrequited love with Aubrey Graham (hi!), the real way to read these, and this may even be true, is to picture them being written by Drizzy himself.
One can almost picture Drake, smelling like vacation, sitting with a laptop in front of an outdoor fire place, with his wacky brown-tinted glasses, and open jazzy man shirt.
I’d like to think that Drake makes these on Picnik, but unfortunately Google ruined that priceless tool that used to help me quickly throw paper crowns on people’s heads and put ironic leaf borders around pictures of my friends. Without the incomparable ease of Picnik, Drake must have to use MS.Paint to create all of these beauties.
Because there’s no leaked nudes of Drake (I’ve checked!), I’d imagine that these are what Drake uses instead of sexts. One can imagine Drake crouched over his computer, snapchatting models inspirational messages of his face painted with unreleased lyrics.
Then these girls quickly manage to grab screenshots of his messages and they post them to Tumblr. And Drake cries.
Previously in series: Wurtzel, Crichton & Yoo: Inside The Delightful ‘Harvard Crimson’ Archives
Myles Tanzer is the editor-in-chief of NYU Local and a Gawker weekend scribe. He hopes this post will bring him one step closer to Drake.