Friday, November 16th, 2012
19

Murderous Twinkie Will Still Be Made After Bankruptcy Sale

Everyone remembers this classic 1970s commercial, from a simpler time.America engaged in a few moments of phony communal nostalgia for the Hostess Twinkie today, as the news got around that the Texas-based snack manufacturer would shut down operations and sell its assets following bankruptcy and a long battle between the brand's current private equity owners, creditors and the union representing 18,500 bakery and factory workers. The biggest losers, as always, are the employees. With a Kochian sneer, Hostess CEO Gregory F. Rayburn announced that "Hostess Brands will move promptly to lay off most of its 18,500-member workforce and focus on selling its assets to the highest bidders."

Oh, the Twinkie! How will America recover, etc. First, who cares. Second, Twinkies and all other products made by Hostess are garbage, the closest thing to industrial waste America's terrible parents ever willingly fed to their children as a "treat."

But the heavily preserved and artificially flavored bleached wheat spooge-tube made by Hostess did do a little bit of good in the world: It helped make openly gay politicians an accepted part of American public life.

After the homicidal homophobe Dan White assassinated San Francisco County Supervisor Harvey Milk, White's demonic attorneys came up with the "Twinkie Defense"—the insane idea that White's killing spree was fueled by his sudden switch to a diet of trash, including Twinkie sponge cakes. Milk was the first openly gay politician ever elected to American public office, and after he and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone fell to Dan White's gun in 1978, Milk became a martyr. Just three decades later, the entire Republican Party is gay. Ha ha, not completely. But things have changed!

And now, some other second-tier industrial bakery will buy the Hostess assets and continue producing the Ding-Dong, and the Wonder Bread, and other crap nobody wants. Thank God that our First Lady, Michelle Obama, will soon ban all of this stuff and send the people who eat such things to "exercise camps" in the frozen wasteland of socialist Canada.

The best outcome, for America, would be if one of the popular Mexican snack companies bought the equipment and rights to make Twinkies. Hahahah can you imagine the racist outcry from those who still actually eat Twinkies, instead of just bogusly reminiscing about them for a single morning, on Twitter?

Bueno!

19 Comments / Post A Comment

IBentMyWookie (#133)

I've never had a Twinkie. But! Before you Americans lambaste me, answer this: Have you ever had a Jos Louis or a Passion Flakie? THEN WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?

BadUncle (#153)

On the other hand, Mexican junk food / Hostess fusion cuisine might be kind of interesting. Twinkies filled with spicy mango spooge, anyone?

PoignancySelz (#238,693)

Back around 1982 there was a neo-punk song called "Wonder Bread." I can't find it now:

"One day old, it starts to swell.
Two days old, it starts to smell.
Three days old, it's a thing from hell,
Four days old, ……"

jolie (#16)

I never much cared for Twinkies but the potential loss of those orange Hostess cupcakes is nigh on unbearable for me. I guess it's for the best, but they were my go-to when I was really, really down and needed a junk-y, guilty little treat to pick me up. So yeah, you can go on about how it's all garbage and stuff, and I agree with that, but also I'm a person who bakes really, really good things from scratch for 97% of my sweet tooth needs (I gotta give over a small percentage to those Trader Joe's Maple Leafs/Trader Joe-Joes) but man, every once in a while those orange Hostess cupcakes really hit the spot for my depression-prone self.

Ken Layne (#262)

@jolie May I humbly suggest the Marinela version in whatever store/bodega has a Mexican foods aisle. They are, I'm told by experts with serious sweet-tooth conditions, almost exactly the same. But I only ever see them in the choco-Pingueno variety. So stock up on the orange Hostess cupcakes: http://www.ecrater.com/p/13329232/hostess-orange-cup-cake-with-creamy?gps=1 $19.99 for … a lot of them! It's not like they'll go bad.

jolie (#16)

@Ken Layne I will make note of that, thank you frond! (I will not, however, order the original in bulk. I currently do not have a waistline and I'm trying to change that.)

GailPink (#9,712)

RIP Hostess Snack Cakes. Another part of my long lost childhood just died.

Good riddance to the abomination that is the Sno Ball. Ugh.

jfruh (#713)

KEN I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS but I always feel pedantically compelled to point out that the "Twinkie defense" was not that the satanic snack food drove Dan White into a killing frenzy, with high-fructose corn syrup. The defense argument was that White, who was normally very health conscious, had been binging on junk food since his bizarre resignation from the City Council, which was a symptom (not the cause) of his diminished mental capacity.

jfruh (#713)

@jfruh (it's still bullshit, mind you, just a different kind of bullshit from what most people think.)

Ken Layne (#262)

@jfruh They also never used "twinkie defense" — lawyers came up with that later, as a way to mock particularly crazy defense strategies. But if you want to SPLIT HAIRS, using a hair found in a common twinkie, then yes the junk food binge was presented as a "symptom" of why he needed to get away with double murder.

jfruh (#713)

@Ken Layne the hairs found in Twinkies are all from rats, true story

Ken, the Twinkie was terrible, but the Choco-Dile was a taste of industrially produced bliss. Still, you're probably right in that it's never very healthy to eat something that was extruded from a tube as part of the baking process.

SuperMargie (#1,263)

Twinkies are the Rasputin of the junk food world. They will just not die. On the other hand, I am now plotting a way to leave work to get down to Chicago and Lake to buy some Choco Roles RIGHT NOW. (Remind me some slow night to go on a drunken rant about my love for all things Marinela.)

This is all just a leveraging ploy. I mean he'll probably sell but it's definitely a gambit to make sentimental idiots feel anti-union. Little do they realize sentimental idiots can't follow a chain that far.

Tastykake and Drake's are still both around so the only people other than the workers who will suffer will be 1980s comedians.

Without the Twinkie, what are we going to use to compare the relative growth in the amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area?

Just wanna point out, Harvey Milk wasn't killed for being gay, he really wasn't a martyr, not that it makes his death any more acceptable but we don't need to start making martyrs where there are none

I also think it is funny people are so paranoid about Twinkies not being made, any big brand like that will be sold in liquidation like Mothers Cookies a few years back.

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