Murderous Twinkie Will Still Be Made After Bankruptcy Sale

Everyone remembers this classic 1970s commercial, from a simpler time.America engaged in a few moments of phony communal nostalgia for the Hostess Twinkie today, as the news got around that the Texas-based snack manufacturer would shut down operations and sell its assets following bankruptcy and a long battle between the brand’s current private equity owners, creditors and the union representing 18,500 bakery and factory workers. The biggest losers, as always, are the employees. With a Kochian sneer, Hostess CEO Gregory F. Rayburn announced that “Hostess Brands will move promptly to lay off most of its 18,500-member workforce and focus on selling its assets to the highest bidders.”

Oh, the Twinkie! How will America recover, etc. First, who cares. Second, Twinkies and all other products made by Hostess are garbage, the closest thing to industrial waste America’s terrible parents ever willingly fed to their children as a “treat.”

But the heavily preserved and artificially flavored bleached wheat spooge-tube made by Hostess did do a little bit of good in the world: It helped make openly gay politicians an accepted part of American public life.

After the homicidal homophobe Dan White assassinated San Francisco County Supervisor Harvey Milk, White’s demonic attorneys came up with the “Twinkie Defense”—the insane idea that White’s killing spree was fueled by his sudden switch to a diet of trash, including Twinkie sponge cakes. Milk was the first openly gay politician ever elected to American public office, and after he and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone fell to Dan White’s gun in 1978, Milk became a martyr. Just three decades later, the entire Republican Party is gay. Ha ha, not completely. But things have changed!

And now, some other second-tier industrial bakery will buy the Hostess assets and continue producing the Ding-Dong, and the Wonder Bread, and other crap nobody wants. Thank God that our First Lady, Michelle Obama, will soon ban all of this stuff and send the people who eat such things to “exercise camps” in the frozen wasteland of socialist Canada.

The best outcome, for America, would be if one of the popular Mexican snack companies bought the equipment and rights to make Twinkies. Hahahah can you imagine the racist outcry from those who still actually eat Twinkies, instead of just bogusly reminiscing about them for a single morning, on Twitter?

Bueno!