Sexy Petraeus Scandal Vaguely Reminds America of 11-Year-War In Afghanistan

"Stop emailing my boyfriend."David Petraeus is snide gnome with a toupée hairstyle, and he is not even very good at winning wars—his military career can be accurately described as a draw in Iraq and total defeat in Afghanistan. As his personal scandal of marital infidelity involves ever more civilian women, shirtless FBI agents sexting those women, fellow commanders in Afghanistan, and the entire state of Florida, perhaps we will take a pause in our race for additional sleazy details to ask additional, important questions that are also about as sexy as a 60-year-old man with his pants off.

1. Why are we still fighting a war in Afghanistan that we apparently lost more than a decade ago, at Tora Bora?

2. Why do we only hear anything about this failed imperial war when U.S. troops are urinating on the dead, or burning Qurans, or when the previous commander is insulting the vice president in the presence of a Rolling Stone reporter, or when it is the war’s “10th birthday”?

3. Is Elmo the Muppet a legitimate player in this tawdry Floridian affair?