Conservatives Bravely Blame Everything, Especially Romney, For Romney's Loss

Sucks to hate yourself, bro.Election Day is … not quite over, is it? But it’s close enough to finally read those liberal Electoral College projections that have predicted a solid Obama win since forever. If it turns out that Mitt Romney already lost, as John Ziegler wrote in the Huffington Post today, then the most important thing is to find something (or someone) to blame. Oh, look, there’s a $100-million punching bag right over there! His name is Mittens, and he’s not even a real Christian, so have at him!

It’s Hurricane Sandy’s Fault

GOP caricature Haley Barbour was sent out to tell CNN viewers that Hurricane Sandy killed Mitt’s longshot chance. “The hurricane is what broke Romney’s momentum,” Barbour said. Well sure, it was a very powerful hurricane. Then again, it seemed to have the opposite effect on Barack Obama.

Money Isn’t Powerful Enough, These Days

There is nothing sadder than very rich people not being able to buy an election. Is money somehow not magic, in 2012? It still has a prayer to God right on the currency, doesn’t it? Despite all the hundreds of millions of dollars the very wealthy have spent to convince America of the proper decision on Election Day, the money failed. “You keep throwing money at the problem and it just doesn’t resolve,” a super-secret conservative money operative told BuzzFeed. Is this even legal, to not be able to purchase a basic presidency?

Republican Voters Are All Elderly White Ghouls

Since 1992, Democrats have won every presidential election except for 2000 and 2004, which they lost by a single state. Democrats are young, diverse, urban and tolerant. They are, in other words, “people who are not close to death.” Republican voters are mostly old white men, and they are literally dying out. Mitt Romney’s support is 91% white. “If we lose this election there is only one explanation—demographics,” says Republican dandy Lindsey Graham.

Romney Isn’t Conservative Enough

This is the most hilarious reason, because it suggests that the GOP could’ve wrapped this thing up only with an actual mouth-breathing fanatic like Rick Santorum, so the Republicans could win maybe two states, and achieve … moral victory? Who knows. This “GOP operative” is just full of good ideas: “Structurally, a Romney loss, following a McCain loss, would be a rebuke to moderates who have wanted ideological conservatives to fill the bus but not drive the bus.”

The Bible Doesn’t Like Mitt, Either

From the delightful web article, “The Conservative Case Against Mitt Romney,” we learn that it’s the Holy Bible that really determines these outcomes:

The foremost liability against Romney is his untrustworthiness. As the Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:10, “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.” It is out of this singular trait that flow many of the reasons conservatives should not support the former Massachusetts governor. Each of these liabilities can be broken into simple conservative principles: restraint in foreign policy, personal responsibility, privatization of loss, and the preservation of life.

So, basically, the Bible is Occupy Wall Street, the end.