Monday, November 5th, 2012

Conservatives Bravely Blame Everything, Especially Romney, For Romney's Loss

Sucks to hate yourself, bro.Election Day is … not quite over, is it? But it's close enough to finally read those liberal Electoral College projections that have predicted a solid Obama win since forever. If it turns out that Mitt Romney already lost, as John Ziegler wrote in the Huffington Post today, then the most important thing is to find something (or someone) to blame. Oh, look, there's a $100-million punching bag right over there! His name is Mittens, and he's not even a real Christian, so have at him!

It's Hurricane Sandy's Fault

GOP caricature Haley Barbour was sent out to tell CNN viewers that Hurricane Sandy killed Mitt's longshot chance. "The hurricane is what broke Romney's momentum," Barbour said. Well sure, it was a very powerful hurricane. Then again, it seemed to have the opposite effect on Barack Obama.

Money Isn't Powerful Enough, These Days

There is nothing sadder than very rich people not being able to buy an election. Is money somehow not magic, in 2012? It still has a prayer to God right on the currency, doesn't it? Despite all the hundreds of millions of dollars the very wealthy have spent to convince America of the proper decision on Election Day, the money failed. “You keep throwing money at the problem and it just doesn’t resolve,” a super-secret conservative money operative told BuzzFeed. Is this even legal, to not be able to purchase a basic presidency?

Republican Voters Are All Elderly White Ghouls

Since 1992, Democrats have won every presidential election except for 2000 and 2004, which they lost by a single state. Democrats are young, diverse, urban and tolerant. They are, in other words, "people who are not close to death." Republican voters are mostly old white men, and they are literally dying out. Mitt Romney's support is 91% white. "If we lose this election there is only one explanation—demographics," says Republican dandy Lindsey Graham.

Romney Isn't Conservative Enough

This is the most hilarious reason, because it suggests that the GOP could've wrapped this thing up only with an actual mouth-breathing fanatic like Rick Santorum, so the Republicans could win maybe two states, and achieve … moral victory? Who knows. This "GOP operative" is just full of good ideas: "Structurally, a Romney loss, following a McCain loss, would be a rebuke to moderates who have wanted ideological conservatives to fill the bus but not drive the bus."

The Bible Doesn't Like Mitt, Either

From the delightful web article, "The Conservative Case Against Mitt Romney," we learn that it's the Holy Bible that really determines these outcomes:

The foremost liability against Romney is his untrustworthiness. As the Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:10, “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.” It is out of this singular trait that flow many of the reasons conservatives should not support the former Massachusetts governor. Each of these liabilities can be broken into simple conservative principles: restraint in foreign policy, personal responsibility, privatization of loss, and the preservation of life.

So, basically, the Bible is Occupy Wall Street, the end.

22 Comments / Post A Comment

oudemia (#177)

The Legacy Lunatic I keep as a FB friend in order to (very occassionally) visit Greater Wingnuttia is *completely convinced* of a Romney victory tomorrow. Only 200 people show for Obama rallies! Tens of thousands show for Romney! Romney is up by 22 among independents! Romney's gonna get well over 300 evs! If/when that turns out not to be the case, it will be, no doubt, because of the mysterious and occult powers of Brown People. Or sharia. Or both.

whateverlolawants (#19,108)

@oudemia How's the Legacy Lunatic taking it today?

oudemia (#177)

@whateverlolawants Let's see: socialism, Obamaphone, sheeple, lazy, entitled, Texas forever. Oh! And a district by district map of the results that is, omg!, *mostly red.* How can it be, he wonders, that there are these relatively small clusters of blue and huge swaths of red, but BHO still won???

BadUncle (#153)

For all the Nate Silver-gestated confidence many of us feel, I really don't want to feel the hammer of hubris on Wednesday. "Dewey defeats Truman," etc.

@BadUncle Yep.

@BadUncle Exactly.

jfruh (#713)

@winchesterwolcott OMG someone photoshop Mitt holding up a printout of 538 right now while it's still kind of funny

The basic suckiness of Romney really should be on this list somewhere. If Republicans had bothered to nominate a person who entertained some ideological consistency, they could have had a shot. Like the other Mormon, or hell, even Tim Pawlenty, loath as I am to suggest such a thing. Presidential races are won by personality, and Mitt Romney doesn't have one.

roboloki (#1,724)

hell, i would have voted for huntsman.

LondonLee (#922)

What Dwayne said, they will lose (touch wood!) because Romney is a dreadful candidate and barely recognizable as a human being. Plus he's lying in the bed that the nutty GOP base made which doesn't help.

deepomega (#1,720)

Um please stop complaining about money. They both raised over 1 billion. I guess you can complain about it if you want a third party to be viable? But not if you want Obama to win, since he spent just as much as Romney.

MParcells (#375)

Where is the "Modern GOP is one giant snake oil salesman of a party" reason?

Mr. B (#10,093)

Since 1992, Democrats have won every presidential election except for 2000 and 2004, which they lost by a single state.

OK, so three out of five? But since 1968 they've won four and lost seven. I'd like to think there's a trend in the opposite direction now, but I think we need to give that one another couple of decades.

Astigmatism (#1,950)

@Mr. B Would you feel better if it read "Since 1992, Democrats have won the popular vote in every presidential election except for 2004"? Because that's true too.

Statistics! It's what might be for dinner.

laurel (#4,035)

If the Tea Party had dropped all the social conservative crazitude they would have been unstoppable.

Ralph Haygood (#13,154)

"Republican Voters Are All Elderly White Ghouls": Pretty much, apart from a few obvious lunatics like Allen West.

Also, psst, Miss Lindsey? About those angry white guys: they're coming for you. You should be planning your retirement now, unless you fancy going the way of Dick Lugar.

@Ralph Haygood er Sen. Lindsey Graham is a dude.

@someofmybestfriends I think he was referring to the best kept secret in Lindsey Graham's imagination. Perhaps inappropriately.

Aloysius (#1,808)

Hey guys, remember "binders full of women?" I can't believe it was only a couple weeks ago. This campaign has lasted too long.

Carl Hess@twitter (#11,024)

Graham isn't the one who said the "structurally moderates blah blah" bullshit. He's the one who responded to that with: “If I hear anybody say it was because Romney wasn’t conservative enough I’m going to go nuts,” said Graham. “We’re not losing 95 percent of African-Americans and two-thirds of Hispanics and voters under 30 because we’re not being hard-ass enough.”

Ken Layne (#262)

@Carl Hess@twitter You are right, I have corrected it. I was confused by this version, which is just weird block-quoting:

Mackenzie Kelly (#8,235)

Let me be the first to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

Post a Comment