Never before in American History has so much hinged on a single debate. Tomorrow, the citizens who are not watching “game three” of televised baseball will be spellbound for 90 minutes as the wounded, bleeding president and the strong, perfect challenger take pre-selected questions from a group of pre-selected voters of statistically varied age, color and gender. Literally every minute of this brutal slugfest will be a “game changer,” and the potential outcomes could alter not only the small point spread between the candidates’ Wednesday polling, but also the very future of humankind.
The possibilities include “one or the other candidate being perceived as the winner” to … well, that is the main possibility. But there is the possibility of unexpected outcomes, too—outcomes more terrifying than any Halloween party.
- In an attempt to evade a question about Libya, Barack Obama discloses that alien space monsters have lived on Earth for 60 years, and are all employed by corporate software giant Oracle.
- As the assembled voters gasp in horror, Mitt Romney pulls off his full-head human face mask to reveal that he, too, is an alien, because his father was born in Mexico. (The real Mitt is ever so slightly more orange in skin tone than the mask.)
- An attractive 18-year-old female voter asks the candidates whether they wear “briefs or boxers.” Mitt Romney answers with a slow, lascivious and utterly silent strip tease, revealing to millions of Americans that he wears a “classic thong” from CafePress.com featuring a LOLcat waving a tiny machine gun. EKGs hooked up to a group of CNN viewers immediately reveal that Romney is now seen as the “natural military leader” in the race.
- The candidates engage in a fast-paced contest of sports trivia that drags on for an unprecedented 37 minutes, while Candy Crowley howls in a sustained rage.
- Thanks to a series of mistakes by Romney and Obama’s “body men,” neither candidate is released from the “cone of silence,” resulting in America’s first presidential debate performed entirely in American Sign Language.
- In a bold appeal to moderate and women voters, Romney performs an abortion on a surprised member of the audience, 57-year-old laid-off autoworker Bill “Sockeye” Sanders.
- Obama does slightly better than last time, making his landslide re-election “100% completely inevitable, game over, fuggedaboutit,” according to Andrew Sullivan and/or David Gergen.