Tuesday, October 30th, 2012
11

So Now You're Locked Inside Together

If you're a lucky New York City resident and you live in Brooklyn or north of Penn Station, you have power and TV. If you're unlucky, you don't have power, and everyone is getting petulant. If you're way less lucky, there's a tree through your living room and your basement is full of water, and I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope your cats are okay. Let me know if I can help!

So now we know it'll be "days and days" until there is a subway again. Because it is filled with water and rats and water-bloated rat carcasses and electrical sparking. Like who knows how many days.

On the plus side: free MTA bus service on Tuesday and Wednesday, whenever it starts, circa 5 p.m. And there are "cars."

But for most of us, no one's going anywhere anytime soon. And that is… stressful. (Not stressful like your building being surrounded by water and actual howling winds! But stressful like "Maybe I will divorce you or maybe I will kill my roommates, time will tell.")

And if you have kids, they have no school until at least Thursday. And you already want to kill them. Which is reasonable. We told you not to have kids, but no one listens, and here you are. Give them all the iPads. Consult our Netflix list. But then what? Whatever can you do?

SEND THE ANNOYING PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE OUT ON PHONE-CHARGING DUTY.

WORK OUT AND EAT.

USE A PAYPHONE FOR RETRO GROSSOUT THRILLS.

OUT SOME TROLLS.

GO SEE SOME ART?

HARASS MITT ROMNEY ABOUT FEMA.

Doesn't matter: this storm and his views on FEMA are going to be the nail in his coffin.

SURE, ALSO, RIGHT: DONATE.

OR PHONE BANK FROM HOME.

EXTRA PRO TIPS:

• Just keep making up errands for them to get out of the house. "I HEARD THERE ARE FREE SANDWICHES 19 BLOCKS AWAY, GO GET ONE."

• Force your children and/or roommates to finally learn how to cook food themselves. Start with "pasta" because they need to learn about boiling water.

• Learn a language together. (JK, don't learn anything. That's as bad as "reading a book.") But hey, if you're the person who trained your child to be quiet with an iPad, this is all your fault.

Here are the rules for every card game ever.

• Or of course you could just lock yourself up in your room and/or a closet, and get working on your novel.

• WHAT ELSE? Tell everyone on your Tumblr somewhere else.

11 Comments / Post A Comment

Danzig! (#5,318)

This is also a golden opportunity to have tons and tons of sex. I wonder how many Sandys will be born in Brooklyn next August

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Combining worked nerves, annoying children, and boiling water seems like a great idea!

Multiphasic (#411)

Move to San Francisco and bitch about having a slight head cold.

paddlepickle (#8,731)

I just want Prospect Park to dry out so I can bike off my Hurricane 15. I'm pretty sure all of our bodies were preparing for potential food shortages by telling us to EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. And 'everything in sight' was mostly ice cream sandwiches and pizza.

sprayfaint (#233,111)

@paddlepickle I just baked an apple pie and cut a big 'S' in it. Because we ran out of ice cream.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

1. If you have electricity I suggest watching Escape From New York. Could be inspiring.

2. Rent a kayak? Are there areas where you could kayak down the street? Because that would be something.

hockeymom (#143)

If you haven't done this already, give the kids a bunch of sheets and go tell them to build a secret club-house in another room, for kids only.*

*most experienced parents have probably already done this and have now moved on to the "I've asked you five times to get these sheets out of the living room, put the furniture back and for god sakes, pick up the Cheetos crumbs" stage.

be safe, sincerely the show pony

BadUncle (#153)

Choire, you sound more-than-typically bitter. May I recommend the miracle that is….
Clafoutis?

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