Liveblogging The New Citibank Commercial


0:05 Man who looks like Seth Meyers and mimics facial expressions of Ed Helms gets dumped at restaurant by needlessly cruel woman.
0:08 He goes home to dark apartment to cry and masturbate to internet porn on Macbook Air.
0:10 Ends up on Citi Private Pass page and decides to pay for sex.
0:15 Goes to museum and stares at famous Milton Greene photo of Marilyn Monroe. But Marilyn Monroe is dead. He can not buy sex from her.
0:17 Goes to expensive cooking class at Giada De Laurentiis’ house. De Laurentiis puts food into mouth with her hands and says, “Yes!”
0:22 Goes to Alicia Keys concert. Has expensive backstage pass. Watches Alicia Keys sing her new single, “Girl On Fire,” in six-inch heels.
0:30 Alicia Keys walks off stage, gently passes large cordless microphone to shadow-obscured roadie.
0:31 Microphone is backlit, silhuetted by blue stage light. Alicia Keys’ hand slides slowly down to base of shaft.
0:32 Alicia Keys notices lonely, wealthy man.
0:34 They make eye contact. She smiles at him, he smiles back.
0:36 Alicia Keys approaches lonely, wealthy man. They touch each other and look into each other’s eyes and laugh together.
0:37 “More experiences.”
0:41 “Get more access with the Citi Card.”