Monday, October 8th, 2012
14

Liveblogging The New Citibank Commercial


0:05 Man who looks like Seth Meyers and mimics facial expressions of Ed Helms gets dumped at restaurant by needlessly cruel woman.
0:08 He goes home to dark apartment to cry and masturbate to internet porn on Macbook Air.
0:10 Ends up on Citi Private Pass page and decides to pay for sex.
0:15 Goes to museum and stares at famous Milton Greene photo of Marilyn Monroe. But Marilyn Monroe is dead. He can not buy sex from her.
0:17 Goes to expensive cooking class at Giada De Laurentiis' house. De Laurentiis puts food into mouth with her hands and says, "Yes!"
0:22 Goes to Alicia Keys concert. Has expensive backstage pass. Watches Alicia Keys sing her new single, "Girl On Fire," in six-inch heels.
0:30 Alicia Keys walks off stage, gently passes large cordless microphone to shadow-obscured roadie.
0:31 Microphone is backlit, silhuetted by blue stage light. Alicia Keys' hand slides slowly down to base of shaft.
0:32 Alicia Keys notices lonely, wealthy man.
0:34 They make eye contact. She smiles at him, he smiles back.
0:36 Alicia Keys approaches lonely, wealthy man. They touch each other and look into each other's eyes and laugh together.
0:37 "More experiences."
0:41 "Get more access with the Citi Card."

14 Comments / Post A Comment

In the prequel we learn of his obsession with the iTunes gift site.

hockeymom (#143)

Nope. Still boring.

TEAM LAUREN.

Dave Bry (#422)

What do you mean? HOW MUCH MONEY DOES A GUY HAVE TO PAY TO BE INTERESTING?!

hockeymom (#143)

@Dave Bry All the money, Dave. All the money.

freetzy (#7,018)

Every time there is a sporting event playoff that airs on basic cable, there will be at least one commercial that will be shown at every break. It will be a terrible commercial with a shitty song that will wedge itself in your brain and make you vow to never use the product advertised. This is that commercial.

"Sponsored Post"

marklondon (#11,064)

Love that you picked out this spot. The entire premise is false, the execution garbage, the subtext infantile.
THE GUY IS STILL BORING.

Also, worst AK song ever.

freetzy (#7,018)

Why does "Jack" want to pay for access/experiences/boning with Alicia Keys when she says she's "on fire"? Is that menstruation thing? An early onset menopause thing? A might-as-well-get-this-antibacteria-resistant-gonorrhea-exposure-over-with thing?

Please liveblog that fucking manipulative Google ad with the girl and her widowed father. I mean seriously, way to guilt us into using your shitty products Google.

Megoon (#201,547)

@Dan Stewart@twitter OH MY GOD WTF IS UP WITH THAT COMMERCIAL. Not okay. Not okay at all.

CaptBackslap (#10,313)

@Dan Stewart@twitter
Google products are mostly much better than the competition (tried using Bing lately? Yahoo Mail? Apple Maps?), but that commercial was like "doo-da-doo…typical Google ad…HOLY FUCK THE GIRL'S MOTHER IS DEAD."

Maybe she was a Google+ user and they still need to replace her.

skahammer (#587)

@CaptBackslap More likely she was an early investor in AltaVista.

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morisson12 (#243,658)

I would watch the shit out of that.
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