Everybody talks about it all the time and it is supposed to be the boringest thing to talk about, conversationally, and it means you are Dead Inside or have Given Up or whatever, but the Weather is totally Trending, man, and not just because it happens every day and there are Weather Reports and Traffic-&-Weather-Together-on-the-ones and stuff on the radio when you are driving your car in the traffic, and Weather, together.
Think about it, seriously, when you go Outside, you are stepping out into The Weather. Some of The Weather still manages to get inside your house and there is nothing you can do about it. You need it. You would die if you didn’t have some weather leaking into your castle.
We breathe the stuff it is made outta. The Weather is in you, and worse still, it is in me. It permeates me with Barometric Pressure and Relative Humidity. The only place I’m safe from it is, like, under the Ocean or something, or in one of those silos out in North Dakota where they (and you know who They are) say there aren’t any more Atomic Missiles, in the silos, because all the Atomic Missiles are in Submarines, and they are where? Exactly.
Besides the Sun, which will totally explode outta the sky at any minute, you know not the Day nor the Hour, The Weather is like, the Most Important thing on Earth that can become really Bad. It’s as powerful, if not more powerful, than 99% of the phony made-up Gods out there in Religion. There can be only one! You live inside The Weather just like some people tell you they live inside the Love of The Lord, but The Weather isn’t that nice Jesus-y cheek-turning The Lord, it’s the Old School hardcore I AM-type The Lord, making rules you don’t understand but need to Obey. Severe Thunderstorm Alert! Tornado! Surprise Derecho comin’ at ya, Traffic & Weather together! Aiieee! You, me, and everyone we know with a brain cell left has said or thought or saw DERECHO more times in the past month than in all of Recorded Time & Temperature.
Why don’t people worry more about The Weather? You should be afraid of that shit all the time! It can kill you any time it wants, that goddamn Derecho can snap a tree in half and bonk you on the head or, worse, bonk your car on the head while you are driving it, exclamation point. Or drown you with a flash flood. Weather can shoot a lightning bolt at you while you are busy trying not to get wet with your puny umbrella. A Bolt of Lightning! Out of the sky! For you! That’s God-stuff, man. Except you don’t have to Believe it. It will Electrocute you for just standing around minding your own business. Respect!
Why aren’t there more churches that do Weather? I’m totally starting one, and not just for the tax deduction and cool robes and hats or whatever (no Ritualistic underpants, though. See: Robes), I’m getting out in front on the Fear! Obey Ye Weather! Hide in the Temple of Weather-fear with me for reasonable weekend rates, late checkout available, free Home Box and a copy of the National Edition of USA TODAY, but only if they put Larry King’s column back in, otherwise you get an inkjet printout of the home page of Huffington Post, which sucks, because they don’t tell you The Weather, man. More importantly, they don’t even know how to review it properly.
All I’m saying is you need to get your mind right about The Weather, really wrap your brain around it. We don’t live with it, we live in it, and that is why we have to declare a War on The Weather before it decimates us. That’s the only way the stupid fucking politicians will get behind all the stuff we gotta do to Save The World. From The Weather!
Ask yourself which of those politicians out there pretzeling their Soul for your vote doesn’t even wanna talk about The Weather, and which politician will talk about it, and also at least say they will try to fucking do something about it. Like in China. Say what you want about the country (OK, probably not when you’re actually there), but they refuse to let The Weather happen to them, man, they were shooting cannons and stuff at The Weather to make it behave when they had the Olympics last time. Yeah! The Chinese went to War with The Weather! There’s no tomorrow in the Five-Day Forecast! Weather? We will fight you! That’s the kind of can-do attitude that made America famous, except now it’s in China. Don’t hate! They (as in the People’s Republic) will probably figure out a way to deal with the morning Derecho and the weekly El Niño or whatever that will be fucking up traffic and making the bus late, or way early, because there’s almost nobody out waiting for it anyway, so the goddamn bus driver decides to set the landspeed record for not picking up any passengers and you’re standing there ten minutes later in the effing Derecho and stuff getting electrocuted. Let’s get behind this War on Weather before the icebergs melt any faster, OK? Thank you.