Monday, August 20th, 2012

Other Things Missouri Representative Todd Akin Believes To Be True About The Uterus, Besides Its Ability To "Shut Down" A Legitimate Rape

• The average uterus is "cash only."

• When provoked or frightened, a uterus emits a high-pitched scream that instantly stuns its attacker.

• The natural enemies of the uterus are the locust, the hawk, the carpenter ant, and the witch.

• It is possible to use a uterus to determine the nearest source of fresh water or magnetic North but not both.

• A uterus will freeze at any temperature below that of 15C.

• The touch of a uterus will blight and cripple the oak, the pine, and the larch for a generation. A cactus is impervious to the uterus' touch.

• A uterus that has come into the full realization of its powers can only be killed by the seventh son of a seventh son. However, he cannot be Jewish.

• It is possible to summon an inhabitant of the drowned city of Atlantis by blowing upon a uterus like a conch shell. This can be done only once.

• No uterus can survive under the gaze of a wizard; it will wither and shrivel into a harmless stone mask (do not attempt to wear the mask).

• The more uteruses a woman can collect during her lifetime, the higher her status, and the more servants she will command, among the dead.

• "It all" is stored within the uterus of a single righteous woman in every generation. Could she be found and cut open, women everywhere would then "have it all."

• A uterus cannot enter a public library or pass in front of a Wendy's during business hours.

• A uterus that has been attacked or divided into several parts can, given enough time, regenerate the lost tissue and develop rudimentary powers of speech (Spanish only).

• You can substitute up to three tablespoons' worth of a uterus for any recipe that calls for baking soda.

• If trapped outside of a female body and unable to find food, a uterus is capable of living off of its own tissue for up to 80 days.

• Like the mythical tent of Peri-Banou, a uterus can contract to fit within the palm of a human hand or expand to cover an entire jousting field.

• A woman born with two or no uteruses is left exposed to the elements in the nearest forest. Should she attempt to return home she will be hunted by the elders of her village.

• A uterus is capable of holding up to twelve ounces of venom but cannot experience the human feeling of regret.

• No uterus can bear the touch of salt, or the smell of the sea.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon; Kate McKean's her agent.

73 Comments / Post A Comment

HereKitty (#2,713)

Quick, get Jolie! BAKING SODA!!!

City_Dater (#2,500)


And it totally explains why women shouldn't douche: VOLCANO.

hockeymom (#143)

@City_Dater But, also… 5th Grade Science Experiment!

Ophelia (#75,576)

Good lord, I love this.

@Ophelia So much.

wb (#2,214)

Where oh where are you, deepomega?

deepomega (#1,720)

@wb If you repeat my name three times in front of a mirror, I will not appear before you – but a giant ghostly uterus WILL.

wb (#2,214)

@deepomega How can we get Akin to try this?

HDCS (#237,152)

I have been using mine incorrectly all these years it would seem.

melis (#1,854)

Man, if this doesn't get Choire to follow me on Twitter, I will just give up. I can't keep throwing myself at you, you know.

deepomega (#1,720)

@melis Uhhhh…. you DO know about Choire's relationship with uteruses, don't you?

melis (#1,854)

@deepomega :( :( :(

brigidkeely@twitter (#237,153)

the more you know!

City_Dater (#2,500)


@City_Dater A toothed uterus? How utterly ridiculous.

Everyone knows it's the vagina that has the teeth. Yeesh.

cherrispryte (#444)

At midnight on the night of the third full moon of every leap year, the uterus emits a cooing sound that can only be heard by dogs and certain perceptive teenagers.

deepomega (#1,720)

Wait. I just realized. Maybe Akin's confession to "misspeaking" was because when he said a uterus can shut down a rape, he meant in like a martial arts sense? A uterus can leap from a woman's body and suplex a rapist? Not any more medically sound, but at least it's an evocative image!

cherrispryte (#444)

@deepomega No no no, Akin's a duckfucker – he was clearly confusing duck vaginas with human ones:

tessamae (#211,648)

@cherrispryte That article is great if only for this line:

"Now, in the most detailed analysis yet of duck and goose vaginas…"

Annie K. (#3,563)

@tessamae Cherrispryte is great if only for this line: "Akin's a duckfucker."

Multiphasic (#411)

@tessamae Kind of makes you deeply sad for the ornithologist whose claim to fame had been what was previously the most detailed analysis of duck and goose vaginas.

@Multiphasic No, you feel sorry for the guy in Rotterdam that observed the homosexual necrophiliac rape of a duck. By another duck.

Outside his office window.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

Wait, the uterus is a real thing?

Russell Brandom (#5,512)

Wait, they have antlers? I have so much to learn.

barnhouse (#1,326)

Wonderful!! made me a little jumpy, I have to admit. But so worth it.

laurel (#4,035)

Well this explains A LOT.

hockeymom (#143)

So when I'm lost in the woods, I can't rely on my uterus to lead me to safety?
This is a huge disappointment.

Bittersweet (#765)

@hockeymom You can, but only if you don't need a fresh water source. The uterus' powers are limited (or else shit would get scary real fast).

Bridget Callahan (#5,234)

#2 from the bottom. THE BEST.

collier (#13,548)

I always wondered why I turned upside down whenever I tried to swim in the ocean.

On the plus side, synchronized swimming lifts would get a LOT easier if they switched to saltwater pools.

wee_ramekin (#33,118)

I saw a uterus once.

Only once.

Curiosity is looking for evidence of uterus in the Martian crust!

collier (#13,548)

@NotAndersonCooper : Who doesn't love seeing the words "uterus" and "crust" used in conjunction?

wee_ramekin (#33,118)

@collier Me.


Kevin Knox (#4,475)

My Uterus? My Uterus Seems So Inscrutable but I'm Also Scared About My Uterus

Akin also believes that this post just gave all of us cooties.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

It might not be as topical, but I request this treatment for the clitoris.

cherrispryte (#444)

@whizz_dumb I suppose you'd like her to write one for Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy too.

riotnrrd (#840)

@whizz_dumb That's what SHE said! *rimshot*

wee_ramekin (#33,118)

@whizz_dumb Oh, yes. It's a topical treatment. *hands you vaginal cream, for the burning*

Et tu Uterus?

Put it in a textbook and Louisiana might teach it in schools.

BPym (#16,361)

Loving the Villette shout-out!

melis (#1,854)


wee_ramekin (#33,118)

I think I heard once that uteri are the only thing stronger than Chuck Norris. #shifty eyes

@wee_ramekin I just KNEW somebody would drag Chuck Norris into this.

Adiko Josh (#237,392)

@wee_ramekin OMG, Chuck Norris, Right

Hey, what the Hell! This seems awfully similar to my hashtag from yesterday, #ToddAkinVaginaFacts. Look!:

melis (#1,854)

@Liam Henry Garrett@twitter And even more similar to my tweet on that very subject yesterday two hours before yours!

@Liam Henry Garrett@twitter The writer just showed me a time-stamped Tweet. It was just a total coincidence. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. I'll now try to delete this comment.

@Liam Henry Garrett@twitter @melis I'm not familiar with posting on the Awl. It doesn't let you delete a comment after 5 minutes? I guess having my dickishness preserved only serves me right. Your article is hilarious. Sorry, again.

melis (#1,854)

Oh man, dear boy, you have apologized enough! I rest easy in the knowledge that you don't have this awful image of me as a joke-stealer. Sleep the sleep of the just, with my gratitude.

Russell Brandom (#5,512)

I accused melis of joke-stealing once, and I've been imprisoned inside a crystalline uterus ever since, made immortal through magics and yearning for death.

(comment delivered by falcon)

squeegee beckinhiem (#237,162)

This subject is entirely inappropriate for mixed company!

wee_ramekin (#33,118)

On a serious note, I have to say that I am surprised and heartened by the Republican response to this whack job. I know that everyone is going to tell me that they're just pandering – and they probably are – but I have to give credit to McConnell, Scott Brown, Romney, and other bigwigs in that their denunciation of his statement was swift and cutting.

I know that it's sad that I'm pathetically grateful and surprised at Republicans decrying harmful and scientifically incorrect statements about women's health, but I am.

ColdFinger (#233,065)

@wee_ramekin I agree, though what I've been reading is that the reason they've been so quick and vehement is that they only have a few days till the deadline to replace Akin with a different candidate without a lot of difficulties. I do think they realize he's a juicebox (to say the least), but were this not the case, they'd probably be able to afford a lot more heming and hawing.

The power of direct speech, though, right? We're SO impressed they just went ahead and told him to buzz off, instead of pussyfooting around it. Could there actually be some agreement/movement forward if they JUST DID THAT ALL THE TIME?

herebutforfortune (#237,164)

A uterus, like a vampire, has no reflection. Stand in front of a mirror, if you don't believe it.

Psychbucket (#179,624)

Damn, if I'd known my uterus had all these extra functions, I wouldn't have had it out 10 years ago. *pouts*

You forgot one, a uterus can not go into a winery it will ruin the wine.

ColdFinger (#233,065)

@Kati Benelli@facebook What about a bar? Can a uterus walk into a bar? Because that would make for a great joke!

@ColdFinger A uterus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Bloody Mary"? The uterus says, "Of course I'm bloody! Why else would I be wearing this tampon?"

Thank Heaven I don't have a uterus anymore….and….I haven't even missed it! Wow, I saved the poor thing from going through Hell….

At the end of its life cycle a uterus bursts forth from its host's abdomen, burns itself to ashes, and from those ashes a new uterus is reborn. This new uterus roams the earth, seeking a new host, devouring all those it encounters who fail to win a game of 20 questions.

The Pelton (#237,192)

It slices! It dices! It makes Julienne fries!

What is all this stuff about witches and wizards crap? Apparently it is mysterious to him, Has he never seen one?

petejayhawk (#1,249)

@Ginger Roberts@facebook I love when Awl posts get posted on Facebook, because people like you show up and amuse me.

Sarah Pin@twitter (#209,350)

I wish Octavia Butler had lived long enough to write this book.

Chuck Cain@facebook (#237,330)

If you meet the gaze of a uterus, you will turn to stone..

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