Friday, May 4th, 2012

Things That Should Fall Out Of A Piñata At A Cinco De Mayo Party

26) Gravy

25) Coupons for candy

24) Pictures of people hitting a piñata from a different piñata party. Everyone will assume they are from your piñata party and it will come across as very clever

23) Dozens of smaller piñatas

22) Sausage links simulating piñata entrails

21) Slips of paper, each with a word that rhymes with piñata: regatta, ricotta, stigmata, sonata… that’s about it actually

20) Bygone knickknacks that someone sentimental might pick up and say, “Oh, this would be lovely on the mantel… if it hadn’t been beaten into pieces”

19) Already scratched lottery tickets

18) Pepper spray

17) Invitations to next year’s piñata party

16) A treasure map with intricate instructions that, once solved, lead to a grave in the yard where partygoers dig hoping to find buried treasure, but instead find a second piñata that is hung in the tree and beaten, breaking open to reveal another treasure map

15) 23 tangled Slinkies

14) Pamphlets detailing the history of piñatas

13) 8 pounds of tartar control toothpaste with micro crystals

12) Newspaper accounts of piñata accidents throughout history

11) The five-course meal everyone was promised once they finished busting open the piñata, with utensils

10) Dripping honey

9) Angry bees that devoted their lives to collecting the pollen to make the honey that was used for a piñata gag

8) One nickel

7) Oxygen

6) Enough gasoline to fill a Chevy Tahoe SUV ($122.61), resulting—when the piñata eventually busts open and spills gasoline all over guests—in a fruitful ethics discussion/fistfight about what's the responsible-sized vehicle to drive

5) Thousands of spiders, each with tiny wooden sticks attached to them, to defend themselves against whoever kept smacking them about inside the piñata

4) Lasagna

3) A bear trap

2) Ninja—blindfolded, armed, paranoid at having just fallen from a tree to find herself surrounded by the enemy

1) Gift certificates for “3 Good Whacks At Piñata”

Jon Methven is the author of This Is Your Captain Speaking, which can be pre-ordered here. He can be reached here, or follow him on Twitter @jonmethven. Photo by jeffk.

20 Comments / Post A Comment

hockeymom (#143)

If number three is a Bear Trap, then clearly number one needs to be a BEAR.

#56 (#56)

@hockeymom too soon.

C_Webb (#855)

I had a traumatic piñata experience at age 6, when a friend reached into barely-broken piñata to extract more crap. She snagged her hand on part of the wire framework, screamed, and began staggering around the yard with what then appeared to be a feral paper burro chewing off her arm. They extracted her, and I threw up all over Mrs. T______, which I always felt bad about until my mom told me much later that she beat her kids, so good riddance, I guess.

hockeymom (#143)

@C_Webb Your vomit went to good use.

Multiphasic (#411)

A curled-up, half-formed fetal pinata.

A photo of the pinata in happier days, papier-mache-arm in papier-mache-arm with her pinata ex-boyfriend; y'know, the only one whose gentle affections and genuine respect could fill the void inside her.

Chris Jones' acidic semen.

LHOOQ (#18,226)

Cantata. Frittata. Pro rata. Non grata.

Multiphasic (#411)

@LHOOQ Mannahatta!

C_Webb (#855)

@Multiphasic SaaaaWING batta!

@LHOOQ Vagina dentata

Amphora (#231,928)

@C_Webb Whatsamatta?

I recently attended a party where my niece and another girl went at a pinata shaped like Winnie the Pooh. It was slightly disturbing to watch two 5 year olds beat an effigy of a beloved cartoon character with sticks for half an hour. Later, we fired shotguns at nothing in particular, then played a game of badmitten that was called on account of cows.

riggssm (#760)

If I have to disgrace myself being blind-folded as I flail my shillelagh at a paper-mache ornament, I want a 6'3", steel-eyed, reddish-blond, ripped, butch Irish boy named Patrick or Sean or Michael to come out.

Naked Tom Hardy would be okay, too (his face is already a little busted, eh?)

BadUncle (#153)

What about the Russian Nesting Piñata strategy, with each smaller piñata yielding a brood of even tinier, pregnant piñatas, resulting in a fractal papier mache nightmare? I mean, just curious.

Cobalt (#7,571)

@BadUncle I must insist you stop reading my mind.

sprayfaint (#233,111)

Oh dear, #7 has happened to me. I remember a piñata party where everyone involved whacked the thing to death before we finally realized that there was nothing inside. The mother of the birthday boy/girl hadn't realized that they didn't come pre-stuffed.

What bothers me most about the memory is that I think it might have been my party, but if it was, I've obviously repressed that part.

daemonsquire (#9,523)

I've actually scrambled for piñata prizes that turned out to be tartar control toothpaste. The piñata packer worked at a dental school.

LHOOQ (#18,226)

@daemonsquire … And then you reach the point in your life/finances when you're excited to get free toothpaste, and this story seems less lame.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

Drone missiles, on the off chance and sketchy intelligence that one of the parents is an Al Qaeda operative.

GailPink (#9,712)

This was really the best list ever.

laurel (#4,035)


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