Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

Understanding What Ladies May Not Wear to Prom

Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl, which are for teens but adults can read on the beach. She lives in Nevada City, CA.

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I thought this was gonna be an article about the (most recent) girl who wanted to wear a Confederate flag patterned dress to prom. (Tennessee, in case you're curious.)

#56 (#56)

What is wrong with the LBD in the upper left corner in the unacceptable slide?

City_Dater (#2,500)


I'm guessing the potential for massive amounts of cleavage. On the A-cup model in the photo, it looks very modest, but on a chicken-nugget-hormone-stuffed-real-life teen girl, there wouldn't be enough double-sided tape in the world…

Bittersweet (#765)

This would be funnier if I didn't have a 9-year-old daughter, who already has ho-wear available to her in major department stores, and with whom I'll be fighting about prom dresses in about 7 years.

melis (#1,854)

@Bittersweet Ugh, I know what you mean, my daughter is actually the original lineup of the Smashing Pumpkins and it's like, just pick something I can take a picture of you in that's actually safe to send to your grandparents, they're not going to be around forever and I think it would be nice if you wore this sweet turquoise one and didn't have to fight me on every single goddamn thing.

melis (#1,854)

Mmm, sorry, I said "grandparents" but I actually meant "nightmare clam gods," you know what I mean.

melis (#1,854)

Oh, sorry again, I said original lineup of the Smashing Pumpkins but I meant to say the replacement Harriet Winslow on the last season of Family Matters, but not the real replacement, the horridly wide-eyed skin-puppet facsimile of the actress, you know the one I mean.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

The loss of the edit function has been hard on you, hasn't it, melis?

jolie (#16)

@boyofdestiny What exactly did happen to the edit function?

GoGoGojira (#2,871)

@jolie Yeah, why does The Hairpin get editing function and The Awl doesn't? Equality now!

Bittersweet (#765)

@jolie: Forget about editing, now I just wish the delete function lasted 24 hours instead of 5 minutes.

collier (#13,548)

@GoGoGojira : Is it because ladies are scatterbrained and indecisive and have trouble organizing their tiny little thoughts into coherent sentences and rhinoceros peanut shoes bamboo rash curling iron I need to make a grocery list DVR mascara?


Wait, apparently I can?

ETA: That was a scary false alarm. I was all standing on a chair and waving my arms around and going "eeeeee."

Multiphasic (#411)

Still stuck on eight orifices, counting vag and urethra separately. I know there's about an 80% chance that that is, in fact, the joke, but in case not, it's killing me.

GoGoGojira (#2,871)

@Multiphasic There's people who consider their vagina and urethra to be one hole? An almost-cloaca of sorts? I was thinking maybe the 9th was the navel.

laurel (#4,035)

@Multiphasic Are they counting nostrils as one or two orifices?

It's one thing to have a dress-code to try and ensure your students don't look poor but reining in their sexuality is just crass.

Ham Snadwich (#11,842)

@My Number Is My Address – I guess my potato sack with the slit up the side is right out then.

@Ham Snadwich : So much for my barrel-with-cutouts.

Ham Snadwich (#11,842)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose – Your peep-toe cereal boxes are still OK though.

dado (#102)

Why is it now referred to as "prom" instead of "the prom"? When did this happen? I don't go to hospital, I go the "the" hospital. Why the demise of the definite article?

liznieve (#7,691)

@dado I blame texting.

@dado : As far as I can decipher their weirdo clench-toothed accents, Brits do actually "go to hospital".

Haha, of course I'm joking; my own American accent is of course a slackjawed abomination to the rules of English pronunciation which her Majesty wrote with her own tastefully-gloved hand. No hard feelings, you crazy monarchy-loving stabby-lads. Pip pip cheerio!

But really, they do "go to hospital". It's weird.

Multiphasic (#411)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose But they don't go to dentist, AMIRITE FELLAS.

blily (#1,411)

@dado Maybe it's regional? I grew up saying "prom" with no article, and I graduated from highschool in the '90s.

SuperMargie (#1,263)

This makes me feel all kinds of things, but mostly it makes me feel *glad* that I only have sons, *bummed* that boys don't get called out on their slutty, slutty cumberbuns, and *hella old* because back in the day, all we worried about was that we didn't all get the same Gunne Sax dress from Susie's Casuals or Dayton's.

@SuperMargie : That Alexander McQueen "bumster" tuxedo I wore to my own prom was definitely a mistake.

KenWheaton (#401)

Can we have a guide for the boys regarding acceptable patterns for your tuxedo vests and cummerbunds. And the appropriate length of tails and height of top hats.

hopelessshade (#232,668)

Oh All-Girls Catholic High School, I remember you so fondly! Remember that one year when suddenly the DJ was only allowed to play, like, Norteño and Tejano music? And then we figured out that it was because they thought we wouldn't grind to it cause it wasn't hip-hop? Oh, the best years of my life!

spoondisaster (#189,637)

@hopelessshade Yes! Hello, "leave room for Jesus." Our nun headmistress said "you don't want the boys to get their jollies!"

Pandemic Endemic (#3,825)

I went to JC Penney's yesterday hoping to find a plethora of Ellen-inspired tuxedoes for young ladies to rock at prom, but instead it was rack after rack of option 2 on the "NO!!!" slide.


ganryuchan (#232,690)

truly a great and helpful post………great work

keep posting,thans

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