Friday, March 30th, 2012
31

Things Chris Jones Wished Women Treated His Semen Like

"Most women act as though they're sexual Olympians, as though they're doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves…. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It's nice, too, when you don't treat our semen like it's battery acid."
Chris Jones,
Esquire.

20) Fire Jolly Ranchers

19) Arby's Jamocha Shake

18) Soft-Boiled Egg

17) Melted Toffifay Candy

16) Steri-Fab Bed Bug Killer

15) Grape Snow Cone

14) Ed Asner's Semen

13) George Clooney's Semen

12) Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers Root Beer Flavored Lip Balm

11) Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Lotion

10) Wallpaper Paste

9) Green Tempera Paint

8) Banana Daiquiri

7) Miso Glaze

6) Lake Erie Water

5) Thousand Island Dressing

4) Wasabi Mayo

3) Communion Wafer Smoothie

2) Santa's Bathwater

1) Liquid Zoloft



Jeff Johnson wants you to treat all his bodily fluids with equal kindness. Photo by Lori_NY.

31 Comments / Post A Comment

Matthew Phelan (#10,133)

I was talking recently to a writer friend who complained that commenters never do this, so here it goes:

LOL. That was really funny. Thanks for writing this. #12 especially.

(Seriously)

deepomega (#1,720)

Eye drops. Neti pot water. Seven layer bean dip. Fondue.

barnhouse (#1,326)

The kind of water women struggle to drink.

Mingus_Thurber (#206,949)

@deepomega The kind of salad that makes you laugh.

Elmer's Glue. Retin-A.

Pandemic Endemic (#3,825)

Doritos Locos Taco.

@Pandemic Endemic Baja Blast.

deepomega (#1,720)

Purell. Brass cleaner. Leg Wax.

katherine (#10,025)

Qream.

BadUncle (#153)

Flan.

deepomega (#1,720)

Tacky tape. Gun lubricant. Sriracha.

gumplr (#66)

Gak. Windex. The Strait of Hormuz.

deepomega (#1,720)

@gumplr The Dead Sea. The Salton Sea. Emergen-C.

gumplr (#66)

Moxie. Molybdenum. Melted cheddar cheese.

aboutwhich (#230,422)

Bumble and Bumble creme de coco masque. Depleted Uranium. Molly. The tears of baby Jesus.
None of these even comes close to touching Communion Wafer Smoothie, tho.

Rollo (#3,202)

Spackle. Confetti. Gobstoppers.

jfruh (#713)

So I suppose all of you expect me to believe you when you claim that you were able to read the phrase "Ed Asner's semen" and not involuntarily visualize Ed Asner ejaculating?

Multiphasic (#411)

@jfruh Just, it's hard to differentiate this from all the other times I picture Ed Asner ejaculating.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@jfruh I claimed no such thing, and thanks for the reminder.

KenWheaton (#401)

Kentucky beer cheese.

beef cheeks

itiresias (#230,907)

3 and 2 are gold.

itiresias (#230,907)

@itiresias …and I guess, on that note, Gold.

Kimmo (#231,165)

IMO this is a cheap shot.

Having read Jones' little piece, I agree entirely; quite a few women have crippled sex lives just like he describes.

Although I can't say I've had my semen treated like actual battery acid… I guess the worst reaction I've come across (yep), it was treated like snot or something.

I'm pretty sure Chris and I would be happy if it was regarded as something mildy unpleasant yet unquestionably edible, like say, cough syrup.

Not that I particularly crave the sight of women gulping it down; that's kinda beside the point. Which is that if you want to begin to enjoy any decent fraction of the vast delights that sex has to offer, it's a good start to reconcile yourself with our animal nature, and get over your squeamish initial response to the inescapable ickiness of swapping fluids.

And you guys are all taking the piss… so what, don't you like female shag-artists?

gumplr (#66)

Soda. Purple stuff. Sunny D!

GailPink (#9,712)

This guy Jones should never, ever, get laid.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@GailPink

Judging from the tone of this article, he doesn't. At least not often and/or willingly.

Scrammbled egg whites

Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion with Pump? (are girls allowed to play this game too?)

tyrannosauruswreck (#231,308)

I dunno, man! It reads a lot like the funny pieces by women entitled "I Am Not a Delicate Flower: A Treatise on Why You Should Just Fuck Me." I kind of read it as "Everyone try a little harder in the sack, would ya?"

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