The epic conclusion to an entire season of poetic football picks.
New England -3 NY Giants 54
When Yahweh created the USA
She put two towns four hours away
And in the sports they’d always play
Until everyone was sick of hearing about them.
Boston with its chowder, New York with its cocaine
Had a belligerent rivalry to maintain.
Boston had a strangler, New York, a son of Sam
And all the other cities stopped giving a damn.
Four cold dark years ago
They met in a southwest state that has no soul.
And because the Patriots stopped taping practices
They got defeated, the Giants kicked their Assesses.
Until suddenly they were to meet again-a.
At the gates of hell: Indianapolis, Indiana.
And what unholy creature would usher them onward?
The worst halftime show since last year, the demon Madonna.
The Patriots are led by the handsome Tom Brady.
Who’s had babies with two pretty ladies.
Once again they meet the ferocious Giants
With Eli Manning whom no one likes very much.
The Pats are known for their passing attack
Because no one’s ever heard of their running backs.
They rely heavily on their great tight ends;
One who is fast, the other with scoops for hands.
And Wes Welker who is way too short to cover.
He’ll run through your legs so don’t even bother.
And if their offensive line stands strong
They’ll score touchdowns all night long.
But the Giants pass rush is ridiculous.
They squash quarterbacks into an icky paste.
In December their team was just 7-7.
But God hates the Jets so she interfered from heaven.
And now the Giants are a win away
From once again ruining the Patriots’ way.
This team is better than five years ago
And the Patriots defense is stupid and slow.
Eli Manning has moments of genius.
His 4th-quarter comebacks send chills up the weenus.
Can New York once again defeat the evil Belichick?
Or will he leave their proud tradition a smoldering wreck.
Whichever wins the other town won’t hear the end of it
One city will feel ebullient.
The other will feel like utter shit.
At least until the Yankees and Sox get back to it.
And I grew up in Massachusetts’ Beverly.
Which was once the Birthplace of the American Navy
(Until Marblehead stole that away completely).
Now all we have is the Magic Show on Cabot Street-y.
I grew up cheering for the Pats
Even when few bothered to ever do that.
I’ve seen them win Super Bowls thrice
And lose three as well, which was like putting your junk in a vice.
But I will always pick them to win without fail,
For when I read Moby-Dick I cheer for the whale.
I hope they avenge their loss in the last Super Bowl
And hope there are some awesome commercials.
PICK: PATRIOTS, PRINCE’S HALFTIME SHOW, THE OVER
Overall, Football Haiku Picks went 134-136-8 for the season.
Related: Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLVI
Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.