10. Lucille Ball (the black-and-white one I saw in the afternoons on the days I stayed home from school sick) and my grandmother were the same person, just at different ages.
9. The pristine Olivia Newton-John at the beginning of Grease was more appealing than trashy Olivia Newton-John at the end, and either of them were preferable to Stockard Channing.
8. The cancellation of "Buck Rodgers in the 25th Century" was the greatest tragedy in American television history.
7. The episode of "Mama's Family" where Mama's family went on "Family Feud" was the most amazing, postmodern event in American television history.
6. There was enough of an appreciable difference in the flavors of vanilla and chocolate Stella D'Oro Margherite cookies that they were worth fighting over.
5. The part about "Brenda and Eddie" in the middle section of Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" was actually about a woman named "Brenda Renetti."
4. When Miss Mary from Romper Room said my name at the end of the show and that she saw me, she truly did.
3. The song "Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinah" was written about Dinah Shore.
2. The sweetness and love that I felt at home and felt for those at home in return would be duplicated on a larger scale in the wider world and so long as I was smart and kind and treated people the right way everything would work out fine and nothing would ever hurt more than the night I was sent to bed without being able to watch "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" because I was bad, even though in those days it meant you wouldn't get to see it again for a whole year, and also no one that I cared about would ever disappear from my life, and that when I got older I would build a big bunch of houses on the same property so that everyone in my family could live next to each other, and that would be the happiest thing of all.
1. Superman needed his cape to fly.
Alex Balk was a remarkably stupid child.
If I pushed my sister off the barn roof and didn't really mean for her to be hurt, she wouldn't be hurt.
@Annie K. - If I swallowed my gum, it would take SEVEN YEARS to digest.
@sigerson - Mikey from the Life cereal commercials died from drinking too much Coke and Pop Rocks. I believed that "his stomach exploded."
@sigerson - If I crossed my eyes for too long, my eyes would get stuck that way.
@sigerson: I distinctly remember discussing this with junior high buddies in the library. Judy probably shushed us.
People go to the hospital to have sex and a doctor watches to make sure it is done correctly.
@Mr. Business Man Actually, I think it's that a miniature baby comes from the man's privates, up through his stomach and then into his mouth. He puts it into the lady with some French kissing, the kind you see on soap operas, where it helps to really mash your faces and roll around so the baby can make its way to her stomach to grow.
@Mr. Business Man Oh, man... that sure would have helped in some instances.
If you get up above a cloud, you can lie down on it like a pillow.
@barnhouse That Snuggle fabric softener bear caused a lot of unnecessary deaths.
Liz Taylor and Queen Elizabeth II were the same person.
If my school bus went over 40 mph it would explode.
there was no water 'underwater'-- water was an extremely thin, filmy layer under which there was only a different temperature and texture and mode of mobility
There'd be no problem openly admiring the bad guys from Indiana Jones.
Number 10 is just plain nuts, though the rest of the list should not keep you out of the army.
Miss Mary NEVER said my name. It hurt every time to sit there in anticipation smiling at the TV and again be ignored.
7. The episode of "Mama's Family" where Mama's family went on "Family Feud" was the most amazing, postmodern event in American television history.
Pretty sure that's just a post on the Internet somewhere.
Buck Rogers? Jesus, you ARE old.
@deepomega Bidibidibidibidi.
@deepomega I still think #8 is true.
The robot's name was TWICKER.
@Art Yucko Hmm, have you looked at th Twikipedia page?
@dntsqzthchrmn I once dated a girl who, while not exactly looking like Tweeky (as I understood his name) certainly resembled him more than any other fictional robot, and, frankly, all I really wanted her to do was say "Bidi-bidi-bidi, let's dance, Buck" just once, and mean it.
I was so heartbroken when "Quark" was cancelled that my dad promised me it'd be back on TV "real soon." To be fair, I was young and have terrible taste.
That Michael Jackson lived under my bed and if I turned out the lights completely he would ask me to marry him.
@LornaLoo I cursed the neighbor's burglar light constantly.
@LornaLoo Also, due to Dirty Dancing, I believed if you had sex three times you got pregnant. It's not until recently that I realized that the Baby character isn't crying to her dad that she was knocked up, so much as it was just a poignant growing up moment between daddy and daughter.
@LornaLoo Hey where's your profile picture?
That MJ one is so terrifying!
North was literally upwards; therefore, New York was on top of the New Jersey sky.
(I later realied this belief was silly; the "up" actually involved ascending hills and mountains to get to New York, etc.)
This was pre-little kid, but I was the only real person, with everyone else being robots with interchangeable faces, and the world was a omni-directional conveyor belt such that I was a fixed point in space. Maybe I was three?
@brent_cox Robots! Good one. I figured they were just actors. And all the houses in my neighborhood (and everywhere else) that I'd never seen the inside of were false fronts.
A hundred dollars was an unimaginable amount of money.
@hman Still is.
@keisertroll Yep - the most I let myself withdraw from an ATM is still $80.
@hman I once estimated my family's net worth at $75.
I went to a wedding where the groom and groomsmen were all dressed in pretty much identical tuxes, and I thought the ceremony was for the bride to choose her husband from all the men up there.
@Jaya
I still believe this, on some level.
I thought Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation. Bye.
@Emily Morris ME TOO.
@Emily Morris You're in good company. So did Cher, according to Sonny Bono.
There was no song called "More Than a Woman." There was just a guy out there somewhere singing about a bald-headed woman. We'll never know why.
Didn't know what the big problem with Youth in Asia was. Were they hungry? Orphans? And why did everyone just want to stop them?
But what did you do that was so bad you were sent to bed without watching The Grinch? Was that the time you bought your brother the beer and he barfed in your Celtics trashcan?
That my dad was black. Turns out he's just kind of swarthy?
@jfruh Me too! Curly hair, big nose, dark skin....I just assumed it was the case until age 8 or 10.
@jfruh Balk's your dad??
The lyrics to "Sweet Home Alabama" were really "Sweet Home Ramalama"
All grownups started their days with screwdrivers at breakfast.
In all honesty I took great relish in disabusing the other children of the "Superman needs his cape to fly" notion, but secretly? I lost the cape to my Superman action figure early on. (Don't worry, I took much better care of my Batman figures.) And, shamefully, I couldn't shake that feeling.
It wasn't gay because they were cartoon characters.
Also, I thought that reason Mr. Rogers changed out of his suit and into his cardigan at the beginning of each show was that he had a wife and kids somewhere who thought he had a boring office job, so he had to put on a suit and say "Bye, honey, I'm off to work at the bank!" but secretly he was going to the TV studio so he could hang out with us kids. He got to change out of his dumb dress-up clothes because once he got to the studio the charade was no longer necessary.
@jfruh I thought maybe he wasn't appreciated at home so he went to his other house.
All written stories--fiction and non-fiction--were complete bullshit. "Oh, I'm so sure this all just happened to happen on this 'One day' from page 1."
I think I first became sexually aware during the Buck Rogers episode where Erin Gray was attacked by a pack of randy, telekinetic space dwarves dressed as pirates.
Man, that explains a lot.
I'm still seriously committed to the whole build-a-bunch-of-houses-on-the-same-property-so-we-can-all-live-together thing. But they're going to be tiny houses.
@metoometoo YURTS!!
@jolie The problem with yurts is that we need bathrooms and kitchens. But there will be one big communal yurt just for smoking weed and listening to records.
@metoometoo Sounds like my camp at Burning Man.
This isn't so much of a belief as it is a misuse but... denroom. You know? The denroom. There's the living room, the dining room, the bedroom, the bathroom and... the denroom.
If I'm being totally honest, we still use denroom in my family.
Based on watching Lassie I thought that collies were grey and white. When I saw a brown and white one in real life I pointed it out to my parents as a freak of nature.
Also, I didn't realize that we were supposed to believe that the stories they taught us in Sunday School were true.
I was the most literal child, ever. An advertiser's dream. I spent many mornings talking to Mrs. Butterworth, ate Frosted Flakes on mornings I knew I had important PE/recess activities(to, erm, bring out the Tiger in me?), etc. Then again, I watched a lot of TV.
@throwaway style I also got disappointed and mad when the "wagon" my parents rented for a family trip was not a horse-drawn covered wagon.
@throwaway style Anyone else spend time lying in wait for that mini Chuckwagon Dog Food wagon to come barreling around a corner of the kitchen?
@throwaway style
Mrs. Butterworth has been spending a lot of time volunteering in the outbuildings behind the monastery since Fra Angelico came to town.
One time my sister took my nephew (then about 4 yrs old) to the city. So there they are, boppin' around the Garment District, when he spots a group of Hasidic gentlemen, points at them and yells in delight at the top of his lungs: "LEPRECHAUNS!!!"
@DMcK Ha, reminds me of when my nephew, when he saw a black man, would yell "Stevie Wonder!"
You shouldn't blow bubbles in your soda at a restaurant because it would give you a bellyache. I believed this until I was a senior in college and my husband-to-be laughed his head off when I told him.
I'd be bitter at my mom and dad over this, but I've already told my kid the same thing.
Santa Claus slept in my attic, on a pile of insulation?
New Jersey (where I lived in the very rural NW part of the state) was all country and Massachusetts (where my cousins lived on a busy street by a highway) was all city.
@a.twafeletta Many adults from the Branchville area continue to believe this today.
I grew up in a Jersey 'burb with a pretty diverse mix of friends. When I went to visit my Jewish grandmother in South Carolina, the only people we ever met were other Jews since social life there remained totally segregated. As a result, I thought South Carolina was the most Jewish place in the world and New Jersey had only a handful of Jews.
Mary and Barry were a big deal in DC in the early 90s.
@BakhtinHungerForce Bitches set me up!
@BakhtinHungerForce I believed "Spokane" rhymed with "Cocaine". Until I was 20.
@keisertroll It doesn't?
@Rollo That is the stupidest "e" ever.
My mom told me that the TB (tuberculosis) shot I was getting was a TV shot and that it'd tell if I was watching too much television.
Stella D'Oro are a running joke in my family that I won't bother to explain.
I thought people on television could see me and if the TV was on before I was out of my pajamas, I would crawl along the walls to avoid their gaze and disapproval...
My mom told me that "umpteen" was a number between 16 and 17. I believed this until I was a teenager.
When I was small, my dad would offer me some of the free pieces of pastry at the grocery store - like on toothpicks. He'd say "do you want some?" and I thought that was what they were called, and eventually would ask if I could "have some some."
When my parents got a color TV around 1983 and I learned the squirrel in The Secret Garden was actually pink, I freaked right the fuck out and I'm not sure I ever recovered.
@Mr. B This happened to me with Badlands, but I was like 20 at the time.
Michael Jackson was a lady and when I got old enough someone would explain why s/he was so weird.
No, it's a fact that innocent Sandy > slutty Sandy.
I thought Willow was a pretty good movie.
I completely agree with the belief about the Stella D'Ora cookies.
Being paid a quarter to wash and vacuum my parents cars was a really good deal
It's possible to look into a mirror and see something behind you that isn't really there. Especially if the room is dark*
*I still kind of believe that and avoid looking at my bedroom mirror after I turn out the lights.
I shared your feelings about Mama's Family, but also: I did not realize that Vicki Lawrence was not actually an elderly woman until I was in high school. In other words, I was a frequent Mama's Family viewer who did not get the central conceit of the show.
I used to think that islands floated on the water and that you could swim beneath them, which was how plumbers fixed pipes. They were held in place by giant chain anchors, like the chains that held the Kraken door closed in Clash of the Titans.
@Neopythia You're not alone: Hank Johnson Worries Guam Could "Capsize" After Marine Buildup
I thought that if you kicked someone's butt too hard, it would pop like a balloon.
That when the commercials for the news said 'film at 11' I actually thought that meant they were going to have made a movie about whatever happened. And I was always impressed with their speed in finishing movies so quickly.
And that if I unbuckled my seatbelt, sat on my knees and looked out the back window of the car, my mom would get arrested.
@batgirl31 Pretty sure that last part is now actually true.
"Cop a squat" was Italian for "sit down."
My sister thought french fries were a completely separate food from potatoes.
@cherrispryte I refused to believe my mom when she explained that the "chicken" we bought at the supermarket, and ate, was the same as the chickens that ran around on farms.
@cherrispryte I had the pleasure of explaining to my 46-year-old friend recently that pickles are made of cucumbers.
That dogs could see ghosts.
You mean they can't?!?
that it took an entire testicle, passed though the penis (good god, the thought still makes me cringe), to conceive a child. somehow it never got to the point where i had to consider how certain families had more than two children.
That if I covered my face and/or head while singing "Endless Love" at the top of my lungs, nobody would be able to hear me.
That there were tiny people inside the radio/tape player singing the music a la the jukebox in Shining Time Station. Once, my dad played a recording of himself singing in a show and I was so overwhelmed. HOW CAN YOU BE HERE NEXT TO ME AND ALSO IN THE RADIO?!
@sakade YES! I could never remember where I got that idea, but I bet it was Shining Time Station.
I believed that if I was standing on the ground when a train or semi truck was passing by then I would die, similar to the hot lava game. To this day I still feel the urge to stand on a step, a box, piece of playground equipment, or parking lot hump when a train or truck passes by.
That if you had different hair/eye color from your parents, it means you were adopted.
That if you dug at the bottom of the ocean, the ocean could spring a leak, and all the seas would drain away. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea always scared me when they shot to harpoons under the water - I was afraid they would break the ocean like an aquarium.
Also, #4.
K
I think #2 really gives us some insight into Mr. Balk's gloominess and misanthropy. I was similarly deluded as a child and now seem to be similarly jaded.
After watching a documentary on the Titanic, in which it was revealed that it was a mail ship, I asked my parents how they could tell it was a boy. My dad admirably kept it together long enough to explain that they had to turn the ship over to check, and then he lost it and explained the mistake.
I also thought that all objects were sentient and thus avoided complaining about them or bumping into them, lest they rise up in indignation at night while I slept. I apologized to a lot of chairs.
Come to think of it, I also believed that all insects I killed would someday coalesce into a huge vengeance-driven megabug and attack me when I least expected it.
. . . I guess I was a paranoid kid O__o
That if I managed to sync up my blinking with the EXACT MOMENT that the TV screen went blank between cuts, I would wake up inside the show I was watching.
That Global warming was an actual monster that would get me in my sleep.
That everyone in New York City lived in an at least 40-floor high rise, because my Grandparents did.
I didn't realize other people could hear the radio.
When I saw that the movie "Dick Tracy" was written by Warren Beatty, I though he just wrote all the words on the walls and signs, and not the actual dialogue.
I thought Beirut and Bay Ridge were the same place.
That if I tasted blood (like, after losing a tooth), I'd become a blood-thirsty killer.
That coughs were germs jumping off one's tonsils.
@cyrreb My grandfather told me that if I lost a tooth and never put my tongue in the empty socket, a tooth made of gold would grow there.
(Half a dozen misconceptions about gay people that screwed me up for years.)
That "a hundred" was less than "one hundred."
I must have been a way smarter kid than I gave myself credit for.
I thought the underground railroad was a subway. I actually thought that for a long, long time.
@John Martin@twitter I was saddened when I went to Independence Mall and there wasn't a food court.
That my parents could (and would) actually sell me to the gypsies for a a new vacuum cleaner if I misbehaved.
That when we got old enough my sister and I would get married, like all other boy-girl siblings. I don't bring that one up too often.
I thought a big building was "Chicago". So I pointed to one and asked mom if that was it. Boy did she laugh in my little boy face.
I believed that nuns never got hot in the summer, because they had "peace of mind."
"Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinah" wasn't about Dinah Shore?
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
When I first saw the "Burnin' Up" video (on USA Night Flight), I was super excited to tell all the other kids at school about a new band named Madonna with a lead singer that kind of looked like Marilyn Monroe. (I knew a Madonna was something religious but had no idea it could be a name. I was raised areligious.)
I was actually on Romper Room. We all saw you.
A brilliant piece of whimsy except for #2 which I found very dark. Awesome!
I thought Eric Burdon of the Animals was the coolest human in history. I also thought Sonny Liston would make mincemeat out of Cassius Clay.
1) that all dogs were male and all cats were female, and they got married and had puppies and kittens
2) that the hoverboards in Back To The Future p2 were real but some kid got killed on one so they were illegal
3) [warning: gross and kinda sad] that if I died and went to hell I'd be forced to consume everything I ever flushed down a toilet, and to mitigate this possibility I would occasionally flush food down so that it wouldn't be all poop and chewed gum
@PearJack There was a thread somewhere (The Hairpin, I think) about #1.
Mama's family on Family Feud over Lucille Ball is Grandma? JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING
that if i ate too much it would all just continue stacking up, eventually forming an un-chewed tower growing out of my mouth. i always saw a banana at the top when i pictured this, for some reason.
Oh, Alex...I also thought "Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinah" was about Dinah Shore. But, more importantly, I thought the line from "The Piano Man" that goes "making love to his tonic and gin" was really "making love to his tiny cat, Jim". That is one of the most disturbing memories from my childhood.
@Kelly Dodson@facebook I thought Brenda's name in that song was Brender. I was a teenager, so I KNEW better, but that's all I could hear.
That the line "take your passion and make it happen" from the Flashdance song was actually "take your pants off and make it happen"
I thought Roseanne was a reality show, I was devastated to learn that Roseanne and Dan Conner were actually not married (or real).
that "elemenopee" was one B-I-G letter in the middle of the alphabet song.
I had the pleasure of explaining to a friend in college that Samantha and Sabrina on the old Bewitched show were both played by Elizabeth Motgomery and NOT played by identical twins. When I brought up the twins on I Dream Of Jeannie she acted disgusted and said that she, "KNEW that. DUH."
Special.
I think I might be the same person as "Alex Balk."
@stinapag oh, and my mind was blown when
1.) Captian Hook and the crocodile were enemies of each other AND, independently, enemies of Peter Pan. That there weren't two sides of "good" and "bad" was really hard to absorb.
2.) When I saw "You Only Live Twice" as some Sunday afternoon movie after an Oilers football game and people were SHOT AND KILLED. Up 'til then, I'd only been allowed to watch PBS and the football channel, so everything on TV was real. My mother had to sit me down and explain "acting" to me. It was quite traumatic.
awww
that I would be completely toothless for awhile. I thought losing your teeth happened all at once.
When I was a kid (1950's) they would announce on tv that "All aliens must register with the government each January". That was the most exciting thing I ever saw on TV. There were aliens on Earth, the government knew about it and it was okay for us to know about it. I never saw one, but I looked. I was so disappointed when I found out what they were talking about. I still believe though.
Credit Card Airline
Credit Card Airline
I had the same idea about Dinah Shore.
I thought that same thing about Brenda Renetti. Also thought that "You can rely on the old man's money" from Hall & Oates' Rich Girl was "You can rely on the Old Fat Bunny." My babysitter thought this was so funny, she had a friend call our house one day pretending to be a WNEW DJ who told me I would win a prize if I could complete the line from the song "You can rely on the..." I was quite confident in my answer and devestated when the "Deejay" not only told me I was wrong but laughed mercilessly at me. Bad babysitter!
i AM crying FROM #2...
Also - hello cruel world. I bring news of the death of Gawker...