Tuesday, December 13th, 2011

Our Holiday Gift Guide for Extremely Rich People

Christmas is nearly upon us. Are you prepared? Let us help with this guide to gifting for every occasion. All of the gifts here are certified by us as things that people actually would truly like to receive this holiday season. (Hint, hint.)


Hermes leather coffee cup holder. $195.

The "My Helicopter" key ring, Loro Piana, $195.


For ski! The Kjus Hawk insulated jacket. Super-trim, super-slim. $1490.

For her, for the boat: Bottega Veneta Nero Pewter Peridot Sandal (Cruise '11). $920.

For him, for the boat: Bottega Veneta Pewter Turquoise Intrecciato Suede Sneaker (Cruise '11). $560.


The MacKenzie-Childs Pet Palace. "A royal setting for your prince of a Pekinese or Pomeranian. And a truly extraordinary piece of furniture." $3500.

Balenciaga neon large dog collar, $295.

The Louis Vuitton Pet Carrier. (N.B. Not approved for use on most commercial airliners; appropriate for private flights.) Circa $2100.


Marc Jacobs Fall '11 "Garage Denim Pant." $792.50.

Prada iPad cover (color: "papaya"), in saffiano calf leather, $300.


Sharon Core, 1606, edition of 7, initial prints in edition start at $7500.00 and escalate.

Mahogany chess box and pawns. Loro Piana, $6450.

Jim Hodges, Untitled, metal chain, circa $375,000.


Elizabeth Taylor's script for Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, bound for her by Eddie Fisher, "with attached leather bookmark gilt-stamped To My Wife – My Life – Love Eddie." Christies, estimate $3,000 – $5,000, realized price for auction on December 16th surely much higher.

Gaetano Pesce, "Executive Desk for TBWA/Chiat/Day New York, ca. 1994." Phillips de Pury, estimate $4,000-6,000, on auction December 14th.

Classic 1954 Bell 47G helicopter. $150,000.

5,834 acres in Lewis County, Washington, $10,979,000.

67 Comments / Post A Comment

Brian (#115)

Oh my god, peridot

Bittersweet (#765)

Very nice, but why would rich people need a key ring? Is that for the chauffeur?

HiredGoons (#603)

@Bittersweet: also I'm fairly certain that helicopter model on that chain is a Bell 222, which is sooooooo nouveau riche…

Regina Small (#2,468)

So relieved I don't have to read this week's GOOP. (Or any week's GOOP.)

I wish Glinda the Good Witch would hurry up and rescue poor Toto from that Louis Vuitton bag.

LondonLee (#922)

I have an "orange" iPad cover that's the exact same color as that "papaya" one. We're paying extra for the descriptions now.

MichelleDean (#7,041)

If only my selling out had been more successful. Though what I really want for Christmas is a big cat safari where I get to pet a leopard and it purrs.

lovelettersinhell (#13,711)

@MichelleDean ME TOO.

Aloysius (#1,808)

Money is so stupid.

deepomega (#1,720)

Where's the mistress?

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@deepomega Aren't they like watches, though? You can't really pick one out for someone.

That chess set is clearly one of the annoying kind where all the pieces look the same.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Setec Astrology: that's just how people who can afford this stuff see everyone else anyway.

zoom (#10,138)

@Setec Astrology but they kind of obviously aren't. You can tell the rooks from the bishops from the top.

@zoom: But can you tell the king from the queen from the bishops from the knights?

dado (#102)

Say what you will, but after burning your fingers on a tall skim latte, what would you have paid not to feel that pain?

sox (#652)

@dado Is whatever you would have paid not to feel that pain more or less than the drycleaning bill from when you throw up on yourself for spilling coffee down your Hermes coffee cup holder?

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

I'm trying to wrap my head around the leather cup holders for paper cups. I guess I don't know the first thing about being rich, because I'm thinking that if I was, I would just do away with the taste of paper in my coffee altogether.

Reminds me of how in Vienna they sell you a porcelain cup (with a logo on it) with your coffee. If you bring it back, they'll give you your money back, otherwise, you can keep it. Hate to keep being a smug European (no I don't!), but it seems to me Americans will crust their paper cups in diamonds before they develop taste for good coffee.

Bobby Womack (#4,074)

Americans invented the Aeropress, the best brewing tool ever!

On a side note, I'm reading a book set a few hundred years in the past and where the main character is a German fellow tasting coffee for the first time, grinding beans with a mortar and pestle and just pouring hot water on it. Gross.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@Bobby Womack Just occurred to me that Hermes is not an American brand. It's my knee-jerk reaction to all things tasteless. Also: I call the Germans "the Americans of Europe".

deepomega (#1,720)

@Niko Bellic: Is there a German word for "blaming Americans for all issues of taste and class"?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@deepomega Sour grapes?

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@deepomega I'm sure they can build one.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@deepomega schuldamerikanerfürallefragendesgeschmacksundderklasse

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@Niko Bellic needs "birkenstocks mit pilzen" in there somewhere.

lovelettersinhell (#13,711)

@Bobby Womack Hangman's Daughter? What do you think of it? I read it and was sad that it wasn't as cool as its cover.

Bobby Womack (#4,074)

@lovelettersinhell Yeah, I wasn't particularly impressed by it. The setting was interesting, and the inclusion of witchcraft in a non-fantasy, non-Twilight novel should have been enough to keep me interested, but it just didn't come together for me.

Why are those dogs wearing Cosby sweaters?

City_Dater (#2,500)


Because they live with tacky people who have tons of money, and their poor little doggie lives are one long silent scream.

deepomega (#1,720)

@City_Dater: Actually that dog just loves Cosby.

Bittersweet (#765)

@City_Dater: I'm not sure why Balenciaga needed to make a large dog collar, since all the rich people dogs can fit into mini-pagodas and Vuitton carriers…

City_Dater (#2,500)


It's actually for the mistress.

Who wants to go in on a cup holder for Choire? If we get everyone with a number under 1,000, it's less than $0.20 per person (Girls, I've done the math!)

melis (#1,854)

1,001s-2000s, let's go in on the Balenciaga dog collar and call it a belt.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

I'm only reluctant to get Choire that land in WA because then his expectations would be so high next year.

HiredGoons (#603)

@NotAndersonCooper: sorry, I'm only a re-gifter.

sox (#652)

@HiredGoons Um, I see right through this ruse. Now you want all us 0-1,000s to get one for you so you can pass it off after you spill aforementioned skim latte down the side and throw up on yourself (see above comments to dado).

HiredGoons (#603)

@sox: you've foiled my plans :(

Art Yucko (#1,321)

wake me when there's a Kickstarter page.

sox (#652)

@HiredGoons Goons, I would gladly donate a whole dollar, maybe even five, on behalf of myself and four to nineteen other Awlers to help you realize this dream.

Go forth and create this Kickstarter page please!

La Cieca (#1,110)

@NotAndersonCooper Oh, that little word "on!" Because without it, I read the question "Who wants to go in a cup holder for Choire?"

@La Cieca Ha! (***quietly walks away from notorious meme***)

djfreshie (#875)

I will make and install that chain spiderweb for anyone at a discounted rate of 150,000 dollars (well how else am I supposed to afford a helicopter.) It'll take me around 10 minutes to do, and if anyone asks if it's an original Jim Hodges, you can just say "Yes it is." and then ignore any follow up questions.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

@djfreshie I was just thinking, "I should buy $50 in fine chain and make one of those for my office."

djfreshie (#875)

@DoctorDisaster Sure you could make it yourself for $50. OR you could have an authentic faux-Hodges one made authentically by me for the price of a helicopter…and if that's too much, I'll totally use plastic chain at a very very discounted price of 50,000 (66% discount) and hey I'll even throw in travel cost for me to do it. That's right I'll travel for free. Limited time only.

Astigmatism (#1,950)

I'm confused. Where is the ass where that man's ass is supposed to be?

hman (#53)

@Astigmatism ALT-TEXT!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

the black ass hole swallowed it. another dimension perhaps?

Needs more Jordache.

oldtaku (#9,009)

'and a truly extraordinary piece of furniture.'

But not in the way they intend that, I'm sure. The rich are so tacky.

BadUncle (#153)

Thank the Lard I am too savagely hung-over to feel any sense of disgust, much less outrage. I'd like to just take a nap in that square acreage, please.

C_Webb (#855)

I hope all these people shoot their eyes out.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@C_Webb The C in your user name stands for "Chain" and now you're mad, huh?

That Bell 47G is way overpriced. I'm willing to bet that it has some water damage since the last time Klaus had it serviced.

Art Yucko (#1,321)


Art Yucko (#1,321)


MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

It is very tricky how the helicopter & spiderchain come at the end, so you are lulled into thinking "oh my, the $200 Hermes coffee-girdle is soooo reasonably priced – what is your mailing address, Choire?"

Art Yucko (#1,321)


Urbania (#94)

I was against all this until I got to Gaetano Pesce. Then all bets were off.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

and that's not even the "good", melted plastic Gaetano Pesce.

davetar (#1,114)

In order – what, meh, cool, neat, ugly, suprisingly awesome the more I think about it, gross, dumb, I am way too attracted to women to understand why denim pants would ever cost that much, like it despite myself, PRINTS?, classy, I don't live in an art museum, good price if you're into that kind of thing, I don't want my office to look like an impound lot, it's a fucking helicopter yes please, and I'll just take like 500 acres and that'd be good. Mark it, Santa.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@davetar "I am way too attracted to women to understand why denim pants would ever cost that much"

Because when you are gay it's difficult to force your partner to bear the entirety of the silly burden of looking good. When there is no woman, there is no weaker will. Right?

Angora Holly Polo (#192,999)

You call that rich? Sniff!

JamesBennett (#238,707)

Some of the gift ideas are still within reach and affordable if planned much much earlier. But the last few gifts under "for that special someone" category really needs someone truly SPECIAL enough to get them for you! The $150k helicopter is already too far-fetched, what more the 5,834acres of land! Well I hope this guide is just a joke or maybe it should really be read only by extremely rich people like how the title of this guide suggests. Else, some groups of people might just be broke this holiday!

byronryder (#244,252)

I think that personalized gifts made on stuck on you are far better than this ones, people appreciate a gift that is special for him and are not impressed by the price. I would definitely not give $560 for a pair of sneakers, it is too expensive and the design is awful.

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