Monday, November 7th, 2011
126

I've Become an Amazing Mom in the Six Hours I've Been Sober

From time to time we offer our space to normal, every-day people with opinions to share.

The bottles clinking in the bottom of the stroller, the shame of my own special sippy cups I'd sneak in the pumping booth at the office: it was all too much for me, so I stopped drinking six hours ago. Earlier today I was an alcoholic mom with a secret; now, I'm a proud mom in recovery, who's learned from her mistakes, with the help of my partner, Brechlin [not his real name], who threw me out of the house late last night but let me back in earlier this morning. I'm all better! And I have so much to share.

Oh wait. I'm at lunch and the waiter is asking me what I want to drink…. I was going to have an iced tea but I think I'll pound some shots! LET'S ROLL. HEY, YOU, GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY STROLLER.

Okay, now I'm back on the wagon. Little Lausanne was staring up at me from her stroller and I just couldn't take the shame. I only had a few drinks with lunch and now I'm going to an AA meeting later and working on my recovery memoir on my iPad, while planning something really pageview-churning for The Fix and Salon to publish simultaneously—it's hard to get all those SEO words in! Maybe like: Ten Lessons from My Recovery from Being a Drunk Mommy?

My agent is really on the case—she almost fired me when I was drunk-texting her over the weekend, but then she was really mean to me last month, when she was a crack addict, and then she was really distracted for a while as she was packaging her memoir ("How You Can Have It All: A Raging Addiction, A Booming Business and Two Kids"), so I figured she had it coming—and we're working on crashing some longer-form stuff to follow-up on my tidal wave of web success I plan for this week. If only I can keep it together! We're going for a playdate with my neighbor Caitlin [not her real name!] later and she always has an awesome supply of meth around….

UPDATE I'm at Caitlin's, and the kids are in the backyard, and we are HAMMERED and TWEAKING OUR FACES OFF. This is THE SHIT. I don't know what I—

UPDATE Back home. I'm overcome with peace as I gaze upon a sleeping Lausanne. She's so wonderful, she's the light of my life. I'll never drink again, I just know it. Motherhood is so emotionally connecting, so spiritual, so fulfilling, I can't imagine ever being the person I used to be. What was I thinking!?

UPDATE At the preschool for parent-teacher check-in night. Thoroughly ripped. Can't stand all these bleating loser-moms. LIGHTEN UP, GOAT-MOMS. Baahhhh, baaaaaah! How did I deal with you heinous she-beasts before liquor?


A Drunk Mom just wants you to get your damn judgmental annoying hands off her bottles—no wait, I've thrown them all out! Can you change my bio? Something like "A Drunk Mom really reveres life now that she's sober and is pregnant with her second child."

Photo by "Thirteen Of Clubs".

126 Comments / Post A Comment

cherrispryte (#444)

Wait, what? How are alcoholic mothers even in the least bit funny?

jolie (#16)

@cherrispryte This is so poorly written, so unfunny, so "huh??"-making, even with the link to the Salon piece it's parodying ("parodying"), I just double checked to make sure I'm actually on The Awl.

The Salon author appears to be Polish. So of COURSE she was a drunk.

Get it?

@jolie Right? It's not actually funny when people are so ready and willing to cough up their personal tragedies for cash, that is totally correct.

jolie (#16)

@Choire Sicha Sure.

@cherrispryte Anyway Ian Frazier did it first, better and funnier in "The Cursing Mommy".

@SarahHeartburn Ooh, BURN!

@Choire Sicha Well, you guys could do it too if you classed up this joint with teeny tiny ads for WASP dryout hospitals and cashmere watchcaps.

@SarahHeartburn In my dreaaaaams. :)

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@cherrispryte Well, this was not written to make drunk mothers look funny, but to ridicule those who try to make them seem worthy of being taken seriously as investigators of drunk motherhood.

hypnosifl (#9,470)

@cherrispryte Alcoholic parents can be funny if done right, just think of the mom on Arrested Development, or Homer Simpson. Strangers with Candy had a good take on this as well. This one was not terrible but a little obvious…though I did like that the daughter was named "Lausanne".

@hypnosifl God I miss Strangers with Candy.

Matt (#26)

@hypnosifl Why do people keep insisting Arrested Development was funny? That's the real tragedy here.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Niko Bellic Which you would not know if you didn't read Salon religiously on the weekends, and/or didn't notice that the "and Salon" was a link here.

@hypnosifl We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

@cherrispryte Who needs to know anything? :)

Everyone's got her own uncrossable lines, and everyone is welcome to them. It's a big Internet!

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@cherrispryte I admit, I was aware of that Salon piece, but still… as a religious reader of The Awl (and there should be no other kind) you gotta know that a post like this will have a clue buried somewhere.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Niko Bellic I looked so hard for clues! I literally didn't see that "and Salon" was in blue. I blame my crappy work monitor and a mild case of colorblindness.

hypnosifl (#9,470)

@cherrispryte I suppose it depends on your attitude towards humor–some see humor as mainly a kind of fun diversion, so that sufficiently terrible subjects "shouldn't be joked about", while for others it can be used to deal with the frequent awfulness of life (think of a lot of Louis C.K.'s comedy), so the worst parts of life are often the best to joke about. Since I'm a comedy geek I sometimes like to read academic discussions of how humor "works", here's a good one about "gallows humor". And hey, I'm Jewish, the Jews have had plenty of occasions to develop this kind of material over the years…

flossy (#1,402)

@Matt Not sure if serious?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

always seriously, never joking.

Matt (#26)

Hey Hyper Sifl and Olly I am not going to click on you obvious links explaining your jokes but I'm really offended by the concept of concepts.

barnhouse (#1,326)

I loved this piece. It is just blistering. Also, no idea why anyone would imagine that satire should ever be "funny".

Abe Sauer (#148)

This is probably not as think as you obvious it is.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Abe Sauer Is there some insidery joke/reference I'm not getting? It would not be the first time …

hypnosifl (#9,470)

@cherrispryte I think it's a twist on the old joke "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

cherrispryte (#444)

@hypnosifl Yeah no I got that part. I was wondering if Abe's use of "obvious" meant that there was something this post was referencing, which Jolie later pointed out above.

Matt (#26)

@cherrispryte Consider your links, choices, etc.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

which probably wouldn't be as consider as to me it is.

osmium (#7,705)

@Art Yucko which probably wouldn't be as consider as to me it is to me

NinetyNine (#98)

@osmium What about the part above their credentials? They never talk about that part.

hypnosifl (#9,470)

@cherrispryte I don't think the "obvious" part referred to the Salon link, just to the fact that these are kind of "obvious" jokes for a piece about a drunk mom (look, she does meth too!), like what you might expect to see in an SNL sketch about the same subject.

cherrispryte (#444)

@hypnosifl Are we really holding up SNL as a paragon of humor and satire now?

Also, you have been incredibly fucking condescending in every comment you've made to me in this post. Yeah, I didn't notice the piece was a parody. I already feel like an idiot about that. But that doesn't give you license to attempt to explain the concept of humor to my frail little mind, or tell me what I'm supposed to find funny. Keep your mansplaining ways to yourself.

NinetyNine (#98)

@cherrispryte Lost Sketches of SNL Drunk Mothers

Art Yucko (#1,321)

SNL Drunk Mothers are Not a Niche.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

Are we really still talking about Perfect Zine

Matt (#26)

The Best Time I Ever Sportcentered At Me Drunk

Art Yucko (#1,321)

The 9/11 article in Perfect Zine pretty much captured the night at Drunk Sex Apartment.

hypnosifl (#9,470)

@cherrispryte "Are we really holding up SNL as a paragon of humor and satire now?"

No, I was giving SNL as an example of "obvious" jokes that aren't that funny, I figured Abe Sauer was saying that the piece was over-obvious in the same kind of way.

"Also, you have been incredibly fucking condescending in every comment you've made to me in this post. Yeah, I didn't notice the piece was a parody. I already feel like an idiot about that. But that doesn't give you license to attempt to explain the concept of humor to my frail little mind, or tell me what I'm supposed to find funny. Keep your mansplaining ways to yourself."

I was trying to defend my own sense of humor since you seemed to be suggesting it wasn't cool to joke about alcoholic moms, wasn't trying to give some patronizing explanation of the concept of humor, sorry if it came across like that. Like I said I'm a geek, I like analyzing stuff and trying to figure out how it works and that includes humor (I'm not the only one!), why some people enjoy joking about really bleak things is one of those aspects of humor I'm interested in. And I don't know if you're including my two comments after your question about Abe's joke in the condescending category but I wasn't trying to imply anything about you or your sense of humor in them (nor was I criticizing you for not realizing it was a parody, I didn't realize it was a parody of the Salon article myself until I read the comments). You had asked about Abe's joke, I tried to answer, though I guess I misunderstood the part you were asking about.

Hamilton (#122)

What about alcoholic writers is NOT funny?

Alex Balk (#4)

@Hamilton Mornings, I find.

HiredGoons (#603)

You have to respect she was at least lucid enough to time her drinking around her breast-feeding schedule.

Oh wait…

jolie (#16)

"Be the first of your friends to recommend this."

r&rkd (#1,719)

Mostly this just made me miss Amber Richardson.

BadUncle (#153)

Drunk moms: they're the only kind I've ever had.

NinetyNine (#98)

I don't care about your drinking problem.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

Alcohol is the secret elixir that makes child rearing bearable (and fun!). Also, in the majority of cases, it's what made it possible.

Sweetie (#519)

@SidAndFinancy One of the most terrifying things my mother ever said to me was "Me being drunk is what got you here; it's probably bad luck for me to stop now."

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I'd hit it.

osmium (#7,705)

@Art Yucko Would you hit it? Tell us in the comments to this comment!

Matt (#26)

"Drinking problem mommies are, surprisingly, not that bad in bed." — Neel Shah

Art Yucko (#1,321)

first 900 drunken mommies were kinda meh, but i have high hopes for the next 900.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

Drunk Adult Contemporary

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"We met at your Jerk Apartment, don't you remember?"

And you walked right past this one:

"When the government decided I was a terrorist."

@kitten_witawip I mean as far as SEO goes.

osmium (#7,705)

I totally agree that the new Wilco album is boring.

NinetyNine (#98)

@osmium incredibly commentary

osmium (#7,705)

@NinetyNine Put those credentials away

Matt (#26)

Putting all your credentials in public because Rex did it, generally.

Matt (#26)

(Fuck you guys I'm on vacation and my game is off okay. Jesus. Dropping shit like this when I'm not even chained to the office chair, the fuck is wrong with you, to me.)

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Remember how 2010 was basically Kanye, Arcade Fire and Sleigh Bells but this year is fucking impossible with regards to nailing down even a top ten?

NinetyNine (#98)

So it's okay to say rude things about Mothers Who Think again?

cherrispryte (#444)

@NinetyNine When was insulting women ever NOT okay?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@cherrispryte That's just a creepie weirdo.

NinetyNine (#98)

A Drunk Mom would be a good name for a band.

Matt (#26)

I fucking love Drunkdriver.

Matt (#26)

Note: Obviously just a noise comment joke, actions matter.

NinetyNine (#98)

@Matt Bottle jams on the playgound.

osmium (#7,705)

@Matt Songs about drinking and driving by Black Flag named Drinking and Driving, in order

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Hello? Yes, this is Black Flag

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

What did Neil Peart ever do

Art Yucko (#1,321)

My Drunk Taxi isn't coming and I just can't pretend

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

I cry icicles into my stein
while pageview-churning

Art Yucko (#1,321)

the encounter with a strange drunk mother on Canal Street that leads to sex at his apartment

NinetyNine (#98)

WAY TO GO CHARLES JACKSON

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Salon was an important outlet in 1999 to me.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@Art Yucko If there were a way to wrap fish on the internet.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@dntsqzthchrmn LISTICLE OF JOE CONASON FISHWRAPS, IN ORDER

Rick Alfaro (#4,345)

Satire or not…this is unfunny, dumb stuff.

allyzay (#321)

@Rick Alfaro No, it's hilarious. See! How easy is that commenting style!

Matt (#26)

Your mom.

MythReindeer (#5,553)

Well, this is an article.

NinetyNine (#98)

SEO dis is SEO.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

that's raceist

Matt (#26)

This is are time soju.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

A Drunk, Mom

NinetyNine (#98)

@Brad Nelson Uh, Drunk, Mom?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

This article has been so mortifying that I actually have to tell you about it!

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

RECENT SEARCHES: canal street sex at his apartment

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Drunk Mommy is listening to Pump Up The Jerks on Spotify.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@Art Yucko One time my friend wanted to make a zine and, by a hilarious series of mishaps, it ended up being named "Canal Sex."

This was a pretty good story.

jolie (#16)

We should all be ashamed of ourselves; we're 3 hours in and not A SINGLE ONE OF US has dropped a "Man, now I want a drink."

Art Yucko (#1,321)

we're not as think as you suggestive we are.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

we're not as apartment at your sex we are

Art Yucko (#1,321)

we're not as Observe as you Canal St. we are.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@jolie I've already got a drink. But, man, now I want a baby.

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

You would want a drink again if you could have a drink at Sex Apartment.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Apartmental of an Apartmentalist

NinetyNine (#98)

Shoulda pitched to the Observer.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"We were having a drink outside when the babby kicked in. Bellowing but there, a swirling giddy confusion that floated out in front of the booze in the ocean of our drunkenness. It was good apartment sex afterward."

NinetyNine (#98)

@Art Yucko "10 Drunkest Moms at #OWS. Click to begin slideshow."

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"Unsurprisingly, three of Brett Ratner's Scouting Polaroids made the cut for the slide show."

Art Yucko (#1,321)

upon further review I found the slide of him letting go of the rope lacking.

bb (#295)

might have been funny about sleeping pill mom, given that probably more people read Sunday Styles (admit it!) than Salon.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Wow, 85 comments in and no one has yet diagnosed another commenter('s friend/relative/significant other) with alcoholism? I think all of you need to get help!

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

You think me a table you can rest your fucking feet on when you're able.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

as if i'd pump glogg like a common apartment worker.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@stuffisthings It seems to me your soul-mate/cousin/spouse is a drunk. Feel better?

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@whizz_dumb Maybe I'm the drunk? I'm so confused by this whole comment thread.

Add me to the list of those for whom this fell flat.

cherrispryte (#444)

@juliahairpincommenter Come sit by me. I've no idea why this got crossposted.

NinetyNine (#98)

@cherrispryte Next installment about Queam is going to be about mixing it with Enfamil.

melis (#1,854)

@juliahairpincommenter I'm writing as fast as I can okay.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@NinetyNine oh, Phuck.

karion (#11)

@juliahairpincommenter: I read the Salon piece twice, trying to figure out why she deserved mocking, and I was stumped.

I am not easily daunted. After googling a bit and reading two other pieces of hers in HuffPo (about…fuck, I don't remember, but not this topic), I have concluded that her writing style bugs, and maybe that is what isn't immediately obvious from the linked and mocked story.

Or, more than likely, the perfectly obvious reason for the mocking flew right past me.

Matt (#26)

Spooky, low-level boozy Sunday brunch playdate.

DrFeelGood (#14,494)

@juliahairpincommenter Thank you. This is cringe worthy. At the risk of being a "Debbie Downer" alcoholism is like the joke addiction du jour, and it ain't funny really.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

not to equivocate but nobody's bothered to ask Junior Dad how he feels about any of this.

Matt (#26)

Say hello to Junior Drunk.

Matt (#26)

So she's 15 minutes into her third Drymester and basically loving it?

Jasons_Johnson (#3,341)

We all know the appropriate animal to compare groups of talking mothers with is *chickens* not *goats*.

Vera Knoop (#2,167)

Is this where I go to complain about this: http://www.salon.com/2011/11/05/the_evolution_of_deceit/ ?

Luce (#174,079)

Actually, I liked it. Tired of everyone talking about how much they want to be a mom, or how great being a mom is, as if there's nothing else in the world!!!! Barf!

carpetblogger (#306)

My drunk mommy is so drunk. But sometimes I worry about drunk mommy.

Bob Lister@twitter (#174,443)

when competing, extremely, for other people's attention, exploiting one's quirks and eccentricities seems to be an effective ploy. I sympathize with the drunken mother, and I care that she overcomes. She's my new hero!

Jowita Bydlowska (#174,474)

Good news! My agent and I are thinking of pitching a TV series now. I'm all over the idea like an American kid on a donut–
Sorry. I don't know where the fuck Lausanne's gone, been looking for the little fucker since last night… you have to

Who put this food in my mouth?

Fucken bastards I told you not to email me here again.

I love you. I really, really, really love you.

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