I Believe The Children's Teeth Are Our Future

The next time you see a smiling child, that symbol of innocence and potential and happiness in a world where none of those things ever come to any meaningful fruition, look closely at his or her teeth: They are full of stem cells. Expensive, valuable stem cells that can be harvested to treat diabetes and Parkinson's and other diseases. And what are these selfish children doing with them? Eating Swedish fish and talking back. We should rip out all those teeth now, before they wise up and start keeping their mouths shut. Or maybe we don't have to! Turns out human fat is loaded up with stem cells as well. We may be running out of natural resources, but there is a GLUT of human fat in the American market alone. Once we harness the technology to turn all that tubbiness into treatments, no one will ever be sick again. So chow down, folks, you're doing it for Science!