So I was walking down the street last night when I was overcome by the most powerful wave of deja vu I have ever encountered in my life. Except it wasn’t exactly deja vu, it was a weird aggregation of other vus, which started with the feeling that I had been in this exact situation before, with the same people on the street, walking in the same patterns, and the same random stranger approaching another random stranger, but then it became more intense and bizarre. It seemed like a combination of things I had dreamed recently were brought to the forefront of my consciousness as real events, and it also coincided with my imagining things I have planned for the future as having already happened. (I know, confusing. And also about as exciting as listening to someone describe their dream. I’ll try to keep it short.)
I experienced symptoms that I most associate with descriptions of panic attacks: my breathing became labored and the corners of my vision became dark. I could only focus on a small circle in the center of my line of sight. However, I remained mobile. I did not lose the power of speech, as I distinctly recall saying, “What the fuck is happening?” aloud. My body continued to head downtown in the direction of the bar I was going to. So the rest of me was functioning fine, it was just a weird hiccup in my cranium. By the time I reached my destination I was a little sweaty and unstable (which is usually how you’ll find me in a bar, so I can’t make any assessments based on that) but pretty much recovered. There was still a deep feeling of unease, though, a kind of strange dread that I couldn’t quite characterize until this morning, when I sent a reply-all e-mail that should only have been a reply-to e-mail. In the seconds after I realized the mistake and frantically clicked “undo,” I felt that exact sensation of trepidation. My disquietude over my misfiring neurons took the shape of everyday Internet anxiety.
Anyway, my point: the eversion? It is absolutely happening. Everything is blending together. The distinctions between reality and the virtual are formless and void. Or maybe it’s just me. I should probably see one of them fancy brain doctors.