What kind of crazy crap is happening at Wal-Mart RIGHT NOW? "Maybe a man dressed in a cow suit, crawling on all fours, will steal 26 gallons of milk from a Wal-Mart and hand them out Robin Hood-style to patrons in a parking lot, as allegedly occurred in Stafford, Va. in April. Perhaps a glazed-eyed 20-year-old will take a truck filled with 338 boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts from a Wal-Mart before police find him drowsy and in possession of a bag of marijuana, as authorities say took place in Ocala, Fla., in March. Or perchance a rapper named Mr. Ghetto will shoot an unauthorized, sexually suggestive music video paean to picking up women in the aisles of a Wal-Mart, full of ladies shaking their hindquarters in ways hindquarters typically don't shake, as happened in New Orleans in May."
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Admittedly, I love the WSJ-stylee dot illustration of "A Nutria" that accompanies the article.
No "HINDQUARTERS" tag? Pity that.
I can barely manage one gallon of milk at a time while dressed as a human and standing on two feet. Hats off to the fake cow.
"I've never been to Wal-Mart" is the new "I don't own a television."
I think it's less "weird stuff happens at Wal-Mart" than "humans do weird stuff and Wal-Mart is the last public space in America."
Somebody please track down at least Sylvester Primitivo Thompson for comment. What's journalism coming to?
Scocca's favorite sentence, from an article about an over-the-top renovation, is indeed perfection: "François suggested making a virtue of the mill wheel."
But how to recognize an entire article filled with such sublimities? On behalf of Norman the Nutria, Little Houdini and the Sylvesters three, I hereby nominate Miguel Bustillo for a "Millstone de Francois". Following the ceremony, hood dancing and free drinks at the Waffle House (milk & Coke, no beer). BYOWTOTS!*
*wallet teeth or toilet seat