First Follows: Weird Choices in First Twitter Follows!

Verizon and AT&T should be paying us for helping them with their lab experiment.Sun Apr 17 03:32:27 via web

Everyone remembers their first. The slow burning excitement. Wondering with anticipation if your advances will be followed. The anxiety about whether you’ve chosen the right person. We refer to the first person you decide to follow on Twitter.

The first follow is a tiny window into a personality. Comedian Tracy Morgan’s first follow, for instance, was his personal assistant Kenny Pierce—a fitting choice for a man who needs supervision.

Gwyneth Paltrow let love be her guide. Her first-follow is @coldplay, the Twitter account of her husband’s band. Mandy Moore meanwhile went with producer (and Ryan Adams collaborator) Jamie Candiloro.

Bill Gates went with the “smart person’s” first follow: He chose Nick Kristof. Speaking of the Times, Maureen Dowd’s first follow was Tom Friedman, whose first follow was, you guessed it, Maureen Dowd. Get a room. Times executive editor Jill Abramson’s first follow was now-former executive editor Bill Keller. Bill Keller’s was neither Jill nor his wife (he got to the bizarre, abandoned account of former Times spokesperson Catherine Mathis before either of them!) but ChanRobt, the Tory Anarchist (whatever that means). All proof that he really is not an expert regarding Twitter.

Oprah went with an obvious first follow, @AshtonKutcher, and yet still managed to surprise by not going the self-obsessed route and choosing @OprahWinfreyNet, or worse, Maya Angelou.

Sasha Grey humiliated herself more than usual and chose Questlove and Dave Navarro as her first two follows.

One infamous former TV star went with Bob Maron, his “media advisor” (aka “Tweet writer”) and also a self-proclaimed juggler and watch salesman.

Conan went the absurd route and chose his solitary first-follow at random, a 19-year-old girl named Sarah Killen. (“I’ve decided to follow someone at random,” wrote O’Brien. “She likes peanut butter and gummy dinosaurs.”)

The king of self-absorption, Kanye West, fittingly doesn’t follow anyone. Who has time to monitor a friend feed when you’re busy tweeting profound stuff like: “No seriously … I said my teeth are real diamonds… these are not fronts… I replaced my bottom row of teeth with diamonds.”

The hilariously humorless Vincent Gallo follows no one and is the author of one solitary tweet.

Account of actor Vincent Gallo. Started account only to stop impostors. Those interested in my work or communicating go to vincentgallo.comMon Apr 04 02:03:43 via web

With the 2012 presidential election not that far away, we’d be remiss to mention the first-follows of some of the top contenders. Barack Obama follows thousands of people, so searching for his first follow will just crash your browser. (Friend-harlot!) The same is true of Michele Bachmann, but she does follow @ProfSarahPalin, who is most certainly not Sarah Palin.

On the true history of Paul Revere: “It’s a story I like to tell about 3 bad brothers you know so well.”less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet Reply

Bachmann is also among the 21 followers of one Hoot Crichton, “rightwing smart ass, self proclaimed oilfield trash.”

Here are some of the other Republican contenders’ first-follows.

Just figured out how this Twitter thingamajig works! And his first was…

@johnjriewe Love how a question is “skewed” when @SpeakerBoehner asks it, but not when @AFL-CIO asks it.Wed Jul 06 19:36:23 via web

Pawlenty went with @JasonMattera “NYT bestselling author of OBAMA ZOMBIES … and Steven Seagal enthusiast.” And then there’s his number two, “Bunny Ultramod, AKA Max Sparber… member of the pop punk band The Ultramods.”

America, I believe we are capable of selecting a national look other than “shlub.”less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPad Favorite Retweet Reply

Ingraham, Malkin, Cupp and Bruce… they’re like the Riot Grrrls of pant suits.

You chose Hannity over your own children!? The horror.

Looks like client #9 got canceled.Wed Jul 06 19:25:10 via web

Schwarzenegger made your top 20? Really? It should be noted that Newt also follows that other great American actor, Gary Sinise. His second follow, however, was… BABY GOT MAC.

How to burn the OSX Lion installer to a DVD: Jun 17 16:37:05 via Twitter for Mac

As Ayn Rand is dead, Paul settled on another cold aggregator or words, @breakingnews. Good Morning America pulls in at number two, the sensible choice for gold-standard-promoting, intellectual, news hounds with a taste for witty weathermen banter. Oh, and you knew there’d be some creepy Aryan publication advocating the four precepts of libertarianism: stinginess, guns, superiority, and more stinginess.

I’m not sure about your number ten, Mr. Cain… @binhajib looks a bit jihady and scary.

mtv Lebanon is my best channel.Wed Feb 09 08:59:06 via web

@NORML? @MarijunaPolicy? The Atlantic? Jimmy Wales? Reason Mag??? This is Republicanism? Where’s @MatthewMcConaughey, dude? Well, close enough, his second follow is…

Got a little sunburned driving a convertible round and round while being filmed. But met the adorable @actuallyNPH who is supremely fine.Thu Jul 07 02:39:39 via Twitter for iPhone

Robert Lanham is the author of the beach-towel classic The Emerald Beach Trilogy, which includes the titles Pre-Coitus, Coitus, and Afterglow. More recent works include The Hipster Handbook and The Sinner’s Guide to the Evangelical Right. He is the founder and editor of