Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
93

Bugs, In Order

36. Bedbugs
35. Lice
34. Cicadas
33. Locusts
32. Scorpions
31. Termites
30. Ticks
29. Mosquitoes
28. Roaches
27. Beetles
26. Water bugs
25. Scabies
24. Fleas
23. Wasps
22. Moths
21. Bees
20. Noseeums
19. Mites
18. Flies
17. Gnats
16. Fruit flies
15. Ants
14. Earwigs
13. Centipedes
12. Tarantulas
11. Mantises
10. Caterpillars
8. Silkworms
8. Butterflies
7. Crickets
6. Ladybugs
5. Harvestmen
4. Dragonflies
3. Damselflies
2. Fireflies
1. Spiders



Jolie Kerr and Edith Zimmerman compiled this list over a few glasses of chardonnay. There were no black flies involved, however.

Photo by Marlon Bunday

93 Comments / Post A Comment

saythatscool (#101)

It just bugs me when people use insect puns.

jolie (#16)

@saythatscool Oh buzz off.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@jolie Keep it up, guys. This thread has legs.

@saythatscool That statement flies in the face of reason.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@forget it i quit Way to worm your way into the discussion.

Edith Zimmerman (#5,210)

@boyofdestiny Sounds like someone's got some ants in his pants

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Edith Zimmerman I mite.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Edith Zimmerman: he's just crabby.

DMcK (#5,027)

Ant that the truth.

HonoriaGlossop (#1,247)

@all Man, tises is getting a mite tired… Just beecause one person makes a bug reference, that does gnat give you license to make your own! *runs away*

*runs back quickly* Also, what are harvestmen?? Is it safe to look them up? I had an earwig caught in my hair recently and I can't handle any more trauma.

katherine (#10,025)

Phone bugs?

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

I don't even know where to begin to disagree with this.

roboloki (#1,724)

@whizzard #25 is a type of #19?

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@roboloki All spiders are #1, except #12, fuck them. Spiders are barely bugs though, and scorpions? Not a bug. I suppose using 'bugs' instead of 'insects' allows some leeway.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@whizzard AND THE ORDER MAKES NO SENSE! I am so pissed off right now.

hockeymom (#143)

Earwigs are REAL? My dad used to call us that when we were little and I thought he made it up.
This is a very educational list.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@hockeymom Imagine my shock when I learned that the bedbugs of "don't let the bedbugs bite" are not some imaginary cute things that come to your dreams to giggle at rainbows and unicorns with you. Seriously, Americans? I think sending your kids to bed with "don't let the panthers tear off your limbs" would be less scary. You need to drop that shit out of your culture, bedbugs are not cute!

Matt Langer (#2,467)

Things I Never Knew Existed And Am Absolutely Delighted By, In Order:

1) Damselflies!

hockeymom (#143)

@Matt Langer They hang with the Harvestmen, generally.

wallsdonotfall (#6,378)

Ants at #15? Have you never met my friend Gigantiops destructor?

@wallsdonotfall "Ants" are in need of some serious differentiation. The noble carpenter ant grouped with the repellent fire ant? For shame! (And clearly a function of neither Edith nor Jolie being Southerners–I think.)

Miles Klee (#3,657)

EARWIGS ABOVE BEES JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME

Annie K. (#3,563)

@Miles Klee I know! Bees have that waggle dance, bees decide by consensus. Earwigs? pssh.

@Annie K. Also, without bees we would have no honey, and no way to pollinate our fruits and vegetables!

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@major disaster Butterflies? Hummingbirds?

@boyofdestiny Okay, I don't know, maybe not no way. But it would not be adequate! It's already not adequate because the bees are all dying! Won't someone think of the bees!?! (And there's still be no honey. Not that I really care that much because I can't remember the last time I ate honey. But some people really like honey, I hear.)

Dave Bry (#422)

@Miles Klee This would be one of my problems with this list, too. (Which is, for the most part, an excellent list that I agree with and support the existence of.) Earwigs: yuck! Terrible yuck. They belong down in the 30s. Scorpions, meanwhile, are awesome. Objectively awesome. Like, that's a top 5 bug right there. Think of the belt-buckles, the t-shirts, the skateboard decks, the tattoos. The Scorps! "There's No One Like You." Come on!

Tully Mills (#6,486)

@Dave Bry Scorpions encased in glass key chains, too.

Dave Bry (#422)

And lollipops! http://theevolutionstore.com/store/scorpion-lollipops-lp1010/ I have actually tasted these. They tasted like lollipops without scorpions in them.

Matt (#26)

And just where in the FUCK is Jeff Goldblum?

HiredGoons (#603)

@Matt: starting a No Wave band dressed as Ian Malcolm.

Don Is (#10,212)

@Matt Probably hanging out with Gregor Samsa.

parallel-lines (#13,150)

@Matt Dating someone completely age-inappropriate.

parallel-lines (#13,150)

@Matt I saw him last night! Some lady was struggling with a big cart and I offered to help her while he just stood there looking at his cellphone waiting for the valet to bring his car. Jeff Goldblum is not chivalrous!

Jared (#1,227)

Cicadas are top ten, easy–although I guess you have to appreciate loud noises. For lovers of La Monte Young and Merzbow, perhaps.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@Jared: I think they were thinking of how cicadas behave every 13-17 years.

Jared (#1,227)

@dntsqzthchrmn You mean EMERGING FROM THE GROUND WITH A TENACIOUS DESIRE TO LIVE? Because I think that's kind of cool.

OK, maybe the swarming is annoying. Japanese cicadas (like Japanese humans) are a lot more polite than their American cousins.

iantenna (#5,160)

fleas are being ridiculously overvalued here. clearly, you guys do not own dogs.

HiredGoons (#603)

no Silverfish!?

daemonsquire (#9,523)

I agree: silverfish nominated for somewhere in the high 20s. And up on the other end of the list, unstoppable moss piglets! And furthermore, on account of fearsome appearance and badass nomenclature, mosquito wolves!

Rick Paulas (#1,565)

@HiredGoons Dead last. Silverfish are dead last.

bb (#295)

@HiredGoons what about the boll weevil?

Rosebud (#4,107)

I hope ice was involved.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

Also, how many "pulling a cocoon of spider eggs that were laid in someone's face while they slept" videos on Youtube do I have to show you people before you realize that spiders are living proof that God exists, and She doesn't love us?

Bittersweet (#765)

@boyofdestiny: C'mon bod, you knew spiders would have to be #1, right? Right?!?

But Edith, it was you who alerted me to the cuteness of aphids!

Edith Zimmerman (#5,210)

@brilliantmistake Ahhh those aphids! It was Jolie. Jolieeee

jolie (#16)

@Edith Zimmerman WAIT WHAT? ARE APHIDS NOT ON THERE?? ARE THEY IN THE WRONG PLACE?? EDITH I SHOWED IT TO YOU?????? I THOUGHT I PUT THEM AT NUMBER 20??? IT WAS BALK. BAAAAALK.

jolie (#16)

Related.

Also: I can't stop scratching, screaming.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)
HiredGoons (#603)

@boyofdestiny: DO NOT START!!!! – THAT IS THE CREEPIEST FAKE DISEASE EVER. I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE STAYED UP ONE NIGHT EXAMINING MY SKIN WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS UNTIL DAWN.

C_Webb (#855)

NOW DO BIRDS!

I think the adorable katydid has been overlooked, here. It is the only "cute" bug.

laurel (#4,035)

One paid my lamp a visit last night. Super cute.

Lucy (#8,710)

SCABIES BEFORE WATER BUGS AND BEETLES???????????????????????! THIS IS ONLY LIKE MY 3RD COMMENT EVER ON THE AWL

@Lucy Anybody who's had scabies would rank them WAY higher. PURE AGONY. I was misdiagnosed by a dipshit doctor, so it got really out of control and lasted the whole summer, during which I took a trip to Florida, of all places.

I find repellent.

Excuse me, BUMBLEBEES.

GailPink (#9,712)

I don't like spiders.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

Spanish fly! (That works, right? I've never talked to a woman.)

BadUncle (#153)

@SidAndFinancy It's a hard fact.

becky@twitter (#14,213)

um, bed bugs deserve to be way higher than #36.

Flashman (#418)

Um, hello, horse flies?

Bittersweet (#765)

@Flashman: Horse flies and deer flies are rightly not on the list, because they suck. Literally.

techmo (#11,038)

#1 should be Bunny! (Oh my I am so sorry)

laurel (#4,035)

Stick insect. I recently met one in person (on a pair of my underpants on my clothesline!) and he was awesome, in the traditional sense of that word.

BadUncle (#153)

@spiralbetty Yeah! "Walking Sticks." I usually find them in my garden this time of year. They're great.

laurel (#4,035)

@BadUncle: I thought they were just, like, an India thing. I had no idea we had them in NoAmer until he reared up at me while clinging to my panties (that's what she said?). I named him Ichabod.

BadUncle (#153)

@spiralbetty I guess they're in most temperate to tropical climates. I found one near a beach in town 3 hours north of Rio. I put it on my shoulder and wore it around for a few hours. It barely moved an antenna.

Dabbyfanny (#16,852)

ticks should totally be #34, and WHERE ARE THE LUNA MOTHS!!!!

checkonetwo (#3,234)

Fireflies should clearly be number one. I mean, THEY LIGHT UP. Also mantises should be higher. These are the only two "bugs" I actually get excited to see.

BadUncle (#153)

WTF??? Cicadas just ahead of lice, and well behind multiple disease carriers? Cicads don't bite. They don't cause crop damage. All they do is gently annoy. And, FWIW, you can sauté them with garlic.

On behalf of the droning buzz outside, I demand a retraZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

thegeologist (#18,083)

Earwigs….? Anamorphs????????

I'm not understanding why mantises are not #1. I mean, other than the Hairpin-sanctioned spider bias. But the grace and beauty of the mantis is almost enough to make you forget that they are a bug and should be as far away from humans as possible at all times.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Hey, whatever happened to the You Know Who Else Made Lists tag.

C_Webb (#855)

@dntsqzthchrmn You know who else asked questions?

laurel (#4,035)

@dntsqzthchrmn: Schindler?

Pound of Salt (#15,166)

CICADAS ARE THE BEST BUG. They hide in the ground for 17 years. There are many recipes for cooking with them. You can stick them on your shirt like a brooch. Their humming is ENJOYABLE. There is no comparison.

Also, stinkbugs?? Just you wait, New York. They're coming.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@Pound of Salt: Unless you're in China or Allentown, bub, shield bugs were here first. (Sorry to say, they actually improve our air quality.)

Pound of Salt (#15,166)

@dntsqzthchrmn Are you vacuuming them up on a hourly basis? This is what I refer to, not where they were spotted first. Also, they are ruining crops.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@Pound of Salt: I tap dance on them.

Tully Mills (#6,486)

How are ants at 15 when peonies were the number one flower on the hairpin not so long ago?

This list is terrifying. Mostly because you missed the assassin bug.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

#1: Praying Mantis.

Matt (#26)

God damn it, the obvious answer is Kamen Rider.

rivetingrosie (#18,232)

Ummm what about horse flies? Deer flies?

Cobalt (#7,571)

Nobody but nobody likes earwigs. Who on earth wouldn't prefer any variety of beetles to an earwig, including ladybugs which are beetles?

ScootsieWaffles (#18,261)

Clearly more propaganda for The Awl's pro-arachnid agenda.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@ScootsieWaffles Did you know The Awl actually does have a pro-BEAR agenda, for which you are adding propaganda? AND I TOTALLY APPROVE, bear down Chicago Bears.

Scabies is not a bug. It's a disease caused by a mite.

The bug in the picture is a Cranefly (or Gallinipper).

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