Things Jonathan Franzen Likely Finds Cowardly, In Ascending Order of Their Convenience and Cowardliness
51. Pert Plus
50. Rhyming dictionaries
49. Fencing
48. Lifetime achievement awards
47. Air freshener
46. Autoplay
45. Supergroups
44. Grade inflation
43. Urinal cakes
42. Sherpas
41. Flag football
40. Fabric softener
39. Greatest-hits collections
38. RSS readers
37. Rain gutters
36. Combo meals
35. Graphing calculators
34. Thinsulate
33. Mattress pads
32. Being likable
31. Forever stamps
30. Half-and-half
29. Stuffed animals
28. Dry-humping
27. Snorkels
26. Porta-Potties
25. Sympathy cards
24. Absentee voting
23. Cafeterias
22. High-speed rail
21. Bicycle helmets
20. Rental cars
19. Cheat codes
18. Park benches
17. Sunglasses
16. Cruise control
15. Elevators
14. Cantilevering
13. Baby photos
12. Rest stops
11. Catheters
10. The two-state solution
9. Pivot tables
8. Luck
7. Iteration
6. Constructive criticism
5. Compassion
4. Epidurals
3. Torque
2. “Undo”
1. Remembering your dead friend fondly
Mike Barthel also likes birds but so what?
Self-awareness.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
People who allow Oprah to put her logo on their books.
@jfruh: reading Jonathan Franzen.
Midwestern Passive-Aggression
Lepidopterists
I refuse to get an EZPass. Where does he stand on this?
@dado I love you, dado.
It's just a book.
JUST TRYING TO GET HERE BEFORE MILES
I'll take dudes Oprah finds cowardly for $1.00.
The axiom of choice
and
pencils
@Werner Hedgehog He is, however, a fan of the Banach-Tarski paradox.
I remember a Franzen "personal history" in The NY-er wherein he admitted to liking The Moody Blues as a teenager until he read a Rolling Stone review that called the band's music the sort of thing that appeals to young men who whisper "I love you" to one-night stands.
@Mr. B: I have a ghost story that involves The Moody Blues!
@HiredGoons But Procol Harum will really scare 'em!
Remembering fondling your dead friend is also pretty questionable.
Franzen would probably hate my multispeed, self-reprogramming "smart" sex doll.
The new one, I mean.
That essay (shades of Montaigne and Lamb forgive me) is classic Franzen, the way it labels its shrink-wrapped platitudes as the delicate fruit of fully organic intellectual struggle.
… And here’s where a curious paradox emerged. My anger and pain and despair about the planet were only increased by my concern for wild birds, and yet, as I began to get involved in bird conservation and learned more about the many threats that birds face, it became easier, not harder, to live with my anger and despair and pain.
@Tulletilsynet yes. In my mind, David Foster Wallace was like "dude's really nice, and understands the weirdness of being a literary star in the age after the age of literary stardom, but he can't think for shit."
Because it's really the only way I can handle my deep admiration for DFW and my loathing of JFran. Make of that what you will.
thank you Mike. this is the best.
Very Nice…
The above could serve as a "don't go there" for any e-dating site. (Epidurals? Sugar, I had an epidural for knee surgery. I think any man who would frown on it for labor should have a scrotal laparoscopy unmedicated in Macy's window on Thanksgiving morning.)
Why does he look like Annette Bening?
That essay (shades of Montaigne and Lamb forgive me) is classic Franzen, the way it labels its shrink-wrapped platitudes as the delicate fruit of fully organic intellectual struggle. thanks!!!
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