Seen And Heard At A New Jersey Beach Club This Past Weekend

1) A thick-chested man in tight striped Polo shirt and a woman in tennis whites are walking towards the pool. “They say that money can’t buy happiness,” the man says. “Well, I say, ‘I’m gonna try to find out!’” The woman swats at his arm. The man laughs, “HA HA HA HA HA.”

2) In the parking lot sits a white convertible Mustang painted with pinstripes and a large New York Yankees logo on the side. On the beach, a guest asks a longtime club member, “So who owns the Yankees Mustang? With the pinstripes?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the longtime member. “But I’ve seen it here it before. I don’t know if it’s a member or just a guest. Last year there was a Mets S.U.V. out there sometimes.”

3) A pod of bottle-nosed dolphins appears in the ocean, swimming southward down the shore. They leap out of the water as they go, like white-bellied jet skis. A crowd gathers to watch.
“Look,” says a man to his six-year-old son. “Dolphins!”
“So?” says the six-year-old, who is standing next to an eight-year-old.
“Do you see them?” the man asks. “Right off the beach there!”
“Yeah,” says the six-year-old.
“That’s amazing.”
“No it’s not.”

4) A group of parents are sitting on the beach, drinking beer and talking about dolphins. “There have been more of them this year,” says a woman wearing large sunglasses. “They came a couple of weeks ago, and the kids were in the water. I looked out and saw the fins. And, you know… I think any mother would… I screamed. I started screaming, ‘Get out of the water! Get out of the water!’” She laughs at the memory. “I mean, you know, you see a fin… But it was just dolphins.” A man leans back in his beach chair. “I wouldn’t have said anything. I woulda been like, ‘You can take one of mine. Maybe then I could get a smaller car.’”

5) Loudspeaker: “Adult swim from three to three-thirty.”

6) A boy points up at an old WWI-style bi-plane flying over the beach. A man looks up to see it.
“Yeah,” the man says. “And watch. It’s going to be pulling a big sign.”
They wait til they can see the sign clearly.
“There it is,” says the man. “It says… Oh, it’s a giant can of beer! Did you ever see a can of beer that big? You’d have be awfully thirsty to drink that beer, right? It’s a giant Coors Light. The Silver Bullet.”

7) There is a happy hour cocktail party. Caribbean theme. Half-priced drinks from 4 to 6. A sign says, “Have your drink in a coconut—yours to keep!”

8) A steel drum version of Steve Miller’s “The Joker” plays on the soundsystem. A group of large reddened men wait on line for drinks at the bar. The bartenders are wearing black pirate hats with their white polo shirts. One of the men takes out his cellphone. “I’m gonna take a picture of these guys in these hats,” he says.

9) Three little boys are wading in a tidal pool that has formed next to the jetty, where a thin layer of tan scum floats on the surface, as well as an upside horseshoe crab. One of the boys is holding a smaller crab in his hand, a limp-looking sand crab. “Is this one alive,” he asks a man, who has come over to check on them.
The man holds out his hand to take the crab, which feebly grasps his finger. “I think so,” the man says. “He doesn’t seem to be doing too good, though. I think you should put him back in the water and let him be.”
“This one’s alive!” The boy shouts to the other boys. “I’m gonna make a crab zoo!”

10) A circle of people are sitting on the beach, talking about the new wife of a club member. “You can tell she’s not from America,” a woman says. “I mean, just from her body. It’s like, whoa! Women in America do not have…”
“Like the lady from ‘Modern Family,’” a man says.
“Exactly. And from her… She wears a bikini that’s just… Well, she’s from Brazil, it’s a Brazilian bikini. It’s just, everything’s all out there!”
“And it’s bouncing around,” the man says.
“Yeah, she’s just all out there, bouncing around. And in front of the kids!”

11) A group of suntanned kids run foot races down by the water, where the sand is firmer. An 11-year-old boy loses to an 11-year-old girl. A group of adults jeer. On their way back up to the club for pizza, the boy walks with the girl and three other girls, slightly smaller. “Wanna arm wrestle?” The girl asks the boy. “I love arm-wrestling boys because I always beat them.”
All the girls look at the boy, who blushes and stutters, “Uh… da… I can’t…”
“Oh, right.” The girl rolls her eyes. “You sprained your thumb.”
“Yeah.”
“For a fifth grader, you’re totally immature,” the girl says and the other girls all laugh.
The boy smiles, happy.