That’s So Taguchi
David Roth: Did you just see the ad for the prescription trigylceride medication with the line "side effects include burping?" Oh no, you didn't, it was on the Mets game. You're not watching the Mets game. You are so smart.
David Raposa: I thought gas was a natural Mets by-product
David Roth: Side effects of watching the Mets include sob-burping (or sobburping) as well as misery-bloat, teary eyes, perineal fenestration and perforated headaches.
David Raposa: Goddamn that Carlos Beltran.
David Roth: He's only 65 to 70 percent as ridiculously over-blamed as he used to be.
David Raposa: He should try to hit more five-run homers. Do you think former Met great Jeff Francouer does the cabbage patch every time he sees them lose?
David Roth: So you're assuming Frenchy doesn't need to read that New Yorker Wilpon piece to feel the schadenfreude. That seems about right. Also I imagine Francouer as more of a New York magazine guy.
David Raposa: Are the Mets especially listless today, or just run-of-the-mill listless?
David Roth: Oh, especially. Lots of shamefacedness. I think Fred Wilpon just gave his the team that post-article conference-call pep-up talk.
David Roth: "Guys, I'm sorry I buried you to the New Yorker's Supreme Court correspondent. I mean, I'm not the most sorry, that’s a poor choice of words. And to be fair, I pitched in high school when Harry Truman was president, so I know a little something about baseball."
David Roth: "And I'll refer you to the fact that you all do really suck a lot. So I guess what I'm calling to say is that I played baseball in high school, and was pretty good."
David Raposa: Very nice—two parts Knute Rockne, two parts Neil LaBute. Needs more bees, though.
David Roth: Either Carlos Zambrano just got a RBI hit against the Mets or my TV just farted audibly.
David Raposa: It was moving in its seat, I'm sure.
David Roth: This has been a great week for baseball people talking shit. All of whom, endearingly, are terrible at their gigs. Brian Fuentes, Edinson Volquez, Fred W.
David Raposa: To be fair to Brian Fuentes, the reason he's stunk is BECAUSE he's not being used properly.
David Roth: You mean being used in baseball games, as a pitcher?
David Raposa: I'm talking about situational awareness. Geren should know Fuentes' deal—3 run lead, 2 outs, 9th place hitter at the plate. Anything less would be uncivilized. Fuentes is really like a Navy SEAL, but with worse aim.
David Roth: Put him into a tie game and you're basically asking for… well, they should really talk about this with their therapist. I'm picturing some lady in Berkeley with a thick gray braid sitting those two dudes down. Really nubby sweater. Making them build their feelings with Lincoln Logs.
David Raposa: I'd rather see Chuck Liddell referee some no-holds-barred mediation. If only because Bob Geren should wall-kick Fuentes at least 20 times.
David Roth: Geren is one of those yoked managers. Buff older dudes are the scariest kind. The Michael Lohan Look. Or, alternately, The Bonaducified Male.
David Roth: (Also, I don't know if this is disclosure or an exceptionally poor humblebrag, but Geren came to my summer camp when he was with the Yankees and taught everyone how to bunt. He seemed like a very nice man and I'm sorry I compared him to Michael Lohan)
David Raposa: I found an image of Mr. Lohan in a mesh shirt. And I will share it with you, because I hate that you made me Google this goober.
David Roth: Oh, he took it himself. That makes it a little… I don't think there's a disgusted-enough word in this language. German has one, I'm sure. The queasiness unto death.
David Raposa: For a guy that's all about knowing his roles, though, Fuentes doesn't seem to know that much. I don't think he understands that the only reason he's a nominal closing candidate is because I drafted Andrew Bailey on my fantasy team. (And Bailey tweaked his elbow, etc. etc.)
David Roth: Funny old universe. I have Fuentes on one of my fantasy teams. I think our dueling world-against-us fantasy baseball perspectives are coming into conflict. I almost blame myself for the Marlon Byrd getting hit in the face thing. Being on one of my fantasy teams is VERY DANGEROUS.
David Raposa: So did Volquez lose his shit as well this week, or is he letting his game do the shit-losing for him?
David Roth: He pitched like Ed Volquez, then got on his team for not scoring more runs. If they scored an average of 6.4 runs per game, he'd be 8-0.
David Raposa: There's your 2014 Yankee reclamation project.
David Roth: He’s in Triple-A, now, to work on his command and being-an-a-hole issues.
David Roth: So, I came fairly close to buying a Denard Span name-and-number t-shirt in Minnesota last weekend as a souvenir of my visit.
David Raposa: Why Span and not some other Twinkie?
David Roth:: If there was a Danny Valencia one available, I'd be wearing it now.
David Raposa: Where have you gone, Nick Punto; a tourist turns his lonely eyes to the 50% discount shelf…
David Roth: I always admire the people that wear very outdated name-and-number tees to Mets games. I saw an Armando Reynoso one a few years ago and came closer to high-fiving a stranger than maybe I ever have.
David Raposa: I want to say I saw a Benny Agbayani shirt out in the wild a little while ago. (Armando Reynoso!)
David Roth: They existed. I have a Tsuyoshi Shinjo one, but it's too orange and small and ridiculous for me to wear, even though he's one of my favorite bad Mets.
David Raposa: That's the sort of dedication / sports-store bargain shopping I can appreciate. My favorite memory of Shinjo, MLB Player, is of some dude in the Yankee Stadium bleachers yelling at him for about 8.5 innings. And making "Flushing = toilet" jokes to boot.
David Roth: There are many reasons why that wouldn't matter to Shinjo. Beyond the language comprehension issues. But my favorite is because he's like some combination of Justin Timberlake, Mickey Mantle and A Really Popular Underwear Model in Japan.
David Raposa: Shinjo's undeniable charisma & sexiness didn't translate well. I'm sure those infield pop-ups he hit over here were majestic panty-drenching bombs over there.
David Roth: His off-field game was tight, though. Always with the mortgage-payment handmade loafers and experimental, meticulously styled hair.
David Roth: He was a proud dandy on a team of bass-fishing middle relievers. David Weathers wouldn't even brush his teeth for fear of seeming effeminate. He considered teriyaki-flavored beef jerky unpatriotic.
David Raposa: On a team starting Rey Ordonez, Timo Perez, and Jay Payton, Shinjo's foot couture was the least of the team's problems.
David Roth: And Shinjo showed up at Shea every day in experimental trousers and $750 shades. He was a living petition for a spot in Madonna's un-produced second "Sex" book, but he also blazed a trail for So Taguchi.
David Raposa: Still waiting for whichever "Head of The Class" alum is running Nick Jr. to greenlight "THAT'S SO TAGUCHI."
David Roth: When they finally launch NickSports, it'll crush. "That's So Taguchi," "iMajerle"…
David Raposa: "Millar & Me"
David Roth: "The Suite Life of Zach Greinke and Cody Ransom." By the way, I KNOW A LOT ABOUT NICKELODEON APPARENTLY.
David Raposa: I'd agree, but I don't want to show how much I know.
David Roth: I have neither kids nor excuse. A lot of cultural junk gets caught in my brain. It's like that Pacific Garbage Gyre in here. All fervent opinions on the Marlins Triple-A team and Top Five Best Michael Madsen Performances and Sandwiches I Have Loved.
David Raposa: I need to read what you read.
David Roth: Nothing that ever appeared on any test or impressed any lady-human.
David Raposa: Holy shit I just saw a pic of Jeff Szamardjia (sp, inevitably) And he looks like his last name's spelled!
David Roth: Yeah, he's got the prep school mullet jumping off. I imagine that the dude has worn a visor or two in his day, while emphatically saying "bro" to express disagreement about something.
David Raposa: It's disconcerting seeing 21st-century dudes in their 20s rocking 'dos and facial hair like they're AMERICAN MOVIE extras.
David Roth: With the exception of Lincecum, who can't help it.
David Raposa: It's a shame not everyone can have an edge like you-know-who.
David Roth: Derek Jeter, a haircut and unthreateningly unfashionable jeans you can set your watch by.
David Raposa: Also, his commercial work reminds me of 6th-grade book reports and really awful job interviews.
David Roth: Tense n' grinny.
David Raposa: JETERIAN.
David Roth: That says it all. Stiffly.
David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal's Daily Fix, contributes to the sports blog Can't Stop the Bleeding and has his own little website. And he tweets!
David Raposa writes about music for Pitchfork and other places. He used to write about baseball for the blog formerly known as Yard Work. He occasionally blogs for himself, and he also tweets way too much.
Photo by Jeff Marquis, from Flickr.
I am contemplating using the Wilpon interview as an excuse to beg off the rest of the '10s Mets squads, a la the firecracker/bleach years. Writing down Beltran, Reyes and Wright? Yeah, those guys are the problem, not the horrific schlubs your general managers have put on the mound.
Always trying to find a way to work "perineal fenestration" into everyday conversation. The most challenging is at parent/teacher conferences, the most frequent: confession.
@scroll_lock when you get bored with that, move on to "frenal penetration". maybe?
Jeff Samardzija was a white wide receiver for Notre Dame. If he's not wearing a visor in his yearbook photo, I'll eat my hat.
1) A moment of silence for Buster Posey's season, please! Show some respect.
2) I saw Geren pull Brett Anderson in the 5th inning on Saturday in San Francisco. In a one run, six hit performance vs. Lincecum. For one Hideki Matsui plate appearance. That's some passive-aggressive managing right there.
1) We "went to press" before Buster got loose-seal'd; given how timely our Yaks usually are, tho, we'll have something pithy to say about the injury by mid-August.
2) Looking at the box score, I can kinda give Geren a pass on that move. Lincecum was dealing, BA had already thrown 91 pitches, & while he "burned" Matsui w/ no one on base, batting Godzilla is probably one of the best opportunities the A's had to plate a run. Which obviously says a lot about the quality of the A's "offense." & they're still only 2.5 games back!
@David R. I might buy the need to generate offense argument in this case, but it's so emblematic of Geren's moves lately. So, you have a pretty decent starting rotation with Anderson and Cahill and Gio Gonzalez, no bullpen and an anemic offense? Best thing to do is pull your starters so any chance of preserving a one-run game is gone? Not like the Giants were lighting BA up.
Oh, and any comment on Coco Crisp having a noodle in the outfield? Clearly a Jeremy Giambi could score on him from first.
Maybe Bobby G was just getting into the interleague spirit & overmanaging? Granted, I've seen plenty of MGRs get bunt-happy in nominal pitchers' duels (i.e. in the 2nd inning of a 2-1 game), but Geren pulling BA kinda falls in line w/ that small-ball run-scrimping mindset.
As for Coco Crisp: I haven't seen him lollipop anything for Oakland, but at least he can go get it (tho I imagine he's lost a step since his Death To Flying Things show left Boston). How's about we shut down the negativity & focus on what he can do, like grow hair?
Not sure if I've mentioned these GIFs here before, but if you ever feel down about your team's OF defense (& you're not a Phillies fan), visit this link & (after watching the GIF in the post proper about 20 times in a row) scroll down to the section on the right titled "Raul Ibanez Takes Pride In His Defense." (I recommend "Lawn Dart.")
@David R. Yes Clarence, let's focus on positives like $2 tickets for Wednesday nights at The Oakland "Mausoleum"…while they still play there.
@whizzard yes. and you can almost always upgrade (sneak) into a better seat, preferably one with at least 75% visibility of the outfield. other a's positives include still being able to find a spot to smoke a joint in the stadium (a little harder since they closed the upper deck), it's easy to smuggle in a pint of bourbon, free parking at the bart station (if you drive a piece of shit with no stereo, the likelihood of a break-in is minimal), and the best tacos in the bay are on my route to the game. not much to say about the team, though.
@iantenna exactly. That closing of the smoking (of all things) area was disappointing. My rebellious high school days have been conjured up in sneak-a-smoke. A lean against the inner wall of the right field walkway ramp usually works. I blame the crotched whiskey for many teenage regressions, but I can still pay attention to most of the lowered-bar baseball being played. It's still the best sport ever.
OK, the positives! I've posted this in other threads before, but I've experienced more memorable baseball at the Coliseum than anywhere else, including:
* Being at the Johnny-Damon-gets-knocked-cold game.
* Being at the Jeremy-Giambi-didn't-slide game.
* Being there when they retired Reggie Jackson's jersey, and Reggie getting booed.
* Being at the cell-phone throwing game.
* Being at the chair-throwing game.
* Realizing that the chair-throwing was the least odd thing in a game where there were runs scored by a walk, a balk, and a hit batsman in the same game.
@Clarence Rosario I always have a good time there. They better ST[A]Y in Oakland. I don't think I know the way to San Jose.
@whizzard THIS
Aw, Shinjo's one of my all-time favorite bad Mets too! Dude was so slick.
@pallas I think you can pretty cleanly split Mets fans into groups that thought Shinjo was hilarious and great and those who hated him because he didn't hit for enough pop or took at-bats away from Jay Payton or whatever. You only want to be friends with the former group.
SpongeBobby BonillaPants would be ratings gold
@jhibbertmd But the syndication fees would be in the billions.
If you were going to be force buffed would you rather have the ropey veined look of a Bonaduce or the goats milk creaminess of a Michael Lohan?
@zidaane I really like the idea of force-buffing. Like foie gras manufactury, except you're force fed lean meats and Muscle Milk. That said, it is way too much for me to type "I'd prefer to look like Michael Lohan," ever, even though I'd do almost anything to avoid similarity to the venous umber roid monument that is Il 'Duce.
@David Roth I will forever regret clicking that Michael Lohan link. And the results of a Jeff Samardzija image search are hilariously revealing.
Last night I saw a PBS "Jews And Baseball" special. Oddly enough Sandy Koufax was not talking about how his high school buddy got him to invest with Bernie Madoff.
Shinjo was the best. I'm a Yankee fan (sorry) but I liked him way better than his boring, white, inexplicably three-ringed equivalent Clay Bellinger.
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its a brilliant mind post.. i like it and thanks for sharing me.. i hope that in future you will share me more.. Thanks..