"There can't be answers today. While I was still alive writing this, I was sad to know I'll miss these things—not because I won't be able to witness them, but because Air, Marina, and Lauren won't have me there to support their efforts. It turns out that no one can imagine what's really coming in our lives. We can plan, and do what we enjoy, but we can't expect our plans to work out. Some of them might, while most probably won't. Inventions and ideas will appear, and events will occur, that we could never foresee. That's neither bad nor good, but it is real."
—Vancouver writer Derek K. Miller asked that a final post be published on his blog after he died, which happened on Tuesday. You may not want to read it. Because it is devastatingly sad. But it is also beautiful and inspiring. I am very glad that I read it.
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You gave fair warning, but I jumped in and now am hiding work tears.
Jesus, that was hard to read.
I keep thinking about his two little girls and then thinking about my kids and…fuck.
@LondonLee: Yep.
Some people are going to jump on me for this, but I thought his nihilism was the most affecting/chilling thing. I don't expect everyone to take Judeo/Christian Bible verses at full face value, but is it now universally accepted among the intellectual elite that there's no spiritual component to our existence? I'm still holding out for something beyond death, even if it is Hell. Or coming back reincarnated as a surly housecat.
@brianvan
I have always thought that the best afterlife would be to reincarnate as an animal on my mom's farm in the 80's. Our cows got aspirin and special feeds when they became older, and kitties were handfed or whatever else was necessary.
This has nothing to do with anything though. Fuck all of you I am NOT reading that post at work!
@brianvan I don't think that Derek was making a statement on behalf of the intellectual elite, just noting the fact that as he approached death he believed it would be the end of his existence. That said, it's definitely not my favorite part of atheism. And I would love just a planet full of surly housecats full of nonbelieving spirits, so: yes.
@melis re: Reincarnation, considering there are now close to as many people living in the world as have ever existed in history, combined, how does reincarnation work as a construct? Genuine question. Is it just that more cockroaches are now humans than vice versa?
@brianvan : To the contrary, I think one of his points was that disbelief is not nihilism. He found great and profound meaning in his life. As in,
"The world, indeed the whole universe, is a beautiful, astonishing, wondrous place. There is always more to find out. I don't look back and regret anything, and I hope my family can find a way to do the same."
If one believes, or finds comfort in belief, that's OK (not that anyone needs my permission). But it's possible to have the same peaceful acceptance of death without it. I have no idea what I would be like or how my views would change if faced with the same situation. I hope people would respect my views either way.
Also, I don't see how you get that he's speaking on behalf of the intellectual elite.
@Louis Fyne Oh God, to clarify: reincarnation, that's not a thing. I'd love lots of cats. But we all just die, and then we are dead. So I guess I don't know why there are cockroaches? Mostly I was trying to demonstrate my empathy for those who believe that death brings the end of consciousness but would occasionally like to believe something a little more narrative-driven.
@brilliantmistake Really well put. That's what I got from the piece, too. That's the inspiring part. And the acceptance.
Goddammit, Awl, how am I supposed to go on grading papers after reading that?
Very touching and sad. I think it would be incredibly awful to really believe that once a person dies, that's it- especially when facing your own demise.
Well, now that I have returned from my discreet sobbing fit in the restroom I can say that was a wonderful, heart-wrenching read.
I was especially struck that he didn't lie to his children…apparently ever. I think I would have lied my ass off the whole time about turning into dust, but that's probably worse.
Devastating is a good word for this.
Oh man. That was yes devastating. But I needed it and thank you for posting it.
Can you please add a tag to posts like that says something like " tears alert"? That way I know I'll always be able to find something to make me feel reflective/mournful when I need to. (& gah, now I'm thinking about that Pulitzer Prize winning article of which we dare not speak of).
@bronwyn Oh, no no no, please no more reminding.
@bronwyn Oh god, I have to know what article you're referring to. Why do I love being sad so much? :(((
Here. Please never mention it again.
Oof.