Tuesday, April 26th, 2011
47

Rest Stops On The New Jersey Turnpike In Order Of Jerseyness, Worthiness Of The Former State Residents They Are Named After

12. Woodrow Wilson
11. Vince Lombardi
10. Walt Whitman
9. John Fenwick
8. Clara Barton
7. Thomas Edison
6. Alexander Hamilton
5. Grover Cleveland
4. J. Fenimore Cooper
3. Joyce Kilmer
2. Richard Stockton
1. Molly Pitcher

Photo by Violette 79, from Flickr.

47 Comments / Post A Comment

Richard Stockton is so tricky, and I think you are wrong: on the Jersey/Worth axis, he weighs heavily Jersey and yet… so unworthy.

@Choire Sicha Wow actually, with further consideration, I think almost every name on this list is in the wrong place. That MASSHOLE Clara Barton should be #11, for starters.

kneetoe (#1,881)

@Choire Sicha Oh stop talking @yourself.

@kneetoe VERY ANGRY

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Choire Sicha Is it too much to ask for you to crank the underminery up to 11 and give us your own list?

kneetoe (#1,881)

@kneetoe Mind your manners!

Bittersweet (#765)

Clara Barton is a Masshole? Automatically moves her to #1 on my list.

kneetoe (#1,881)

@Bittersweet And what a long list of number 1's that is.

Dave Bry (#422)

Balk, you have made very happy. (Molly Pitcher rules!)

hman (#53)

@Dave Bry I always wonder about that Dick Clark's AB Grill or whatever it's called!

dado (#102)

It would be cool if Grover Cleveland were Number 5 and Number 3.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I dressed up as Molly Pitcher for Halloween one time, and NOBODY got it. I mean, I was in Massachuetts, but I was walking around in a dress, a bonnet, and a goddamn pitcher. I thought everyone knew who she was?!

cherrispryte (#444)

@boyofdestiny Pics or it didn't happen.

deepomega (#1,720)

The only time I've ever eaten Nathan's is on the Jersey Turnpike.

C_Webb (#855)

@deepomega Something tells me that, unlike the Coney Island Nathan's, turnpike Nathan's don't sell beers so big you can sit in them.

Last summer I thought it would be funny to check in at a Jersey Turnpike rest stop. Maura Johnston was also there at the same time! Weird and not at all stalkery.

BadUncle (#153)

@forget it i quit Thing is, Maura is a universal constant, and checks in from everywhere. There is no place she is not, at any time.

keisertroll (#1,117)

If anyone wants me I'm just a few miles away from the Walt Whitman.

Smitros (#5,315)

Where's the McGreevey?

C_Webb (#855)

@Smitros Hey, is anyone else gonna hit this? It seems almost too easy.

Matt (#26)

Dude. You've got a problem. This is an intervention.

jolie (#16)

@Matt I think you mean, "Alex, this isn't actually a comment thread we've invited you to. We're worried, and now we're interventioning you."

Matt (#26)

Sure, we joke a lot about addiction here at The Awl, but we're well aware that it can be a serious – and dangerous – problem. Recently, a member of the staff had a substance issue, which co-workers were so concerned that, under the pretense of having a company get-together, we lured the editor with the disease (because that's what it is, a disease) into the office to discuss it. Here's what happened.

[CHOIRE, BRY, CHO, CARRIE, and an UNFAMILIAR MAN are seated on the couches at the Gawker office. BALK enters, carrying a baking pan.]

BALK: I'm here! And I brought my special zucchini-banana muffins, just baked! Is everybody ready to – [BALK suddenly notices UNFAMILIAR MAN.] Hey, is this the new Cat?

UNFAMILIAR MAN: Balk, my name is Robert. I'm an interventionist. I want you to know that everyone here today is here because they love you, and they want you to get help. Are you ready to get help? Because everyone has something they want to tell you.

BALK: [Backing away slightly] But… but… what's the problem? I don't understand? Things are going so well!

UNFAMILIAR MAN: Who wants to go first? Balk, why don't you take a seat. You're very special to these people, and they need to talk to you.

BALK: [Realizing that if he's being intervened with, at least he won't have to edit for a little while.] Okay! [Sits, unwraps muffin, starts to chew noisily.]

[CHOIRE stands up.]

CHOIRE: Balk, man, what can I say? You're my managing editor. I love you. You've done great things to the site since you've come onboard. We're all really pleased. But this problem you have… I mean, we've all talked about it, and we thought you had it under control, but it's just gotten worse. I can't stand to see you doing this to yourself. It's killing you. Why can't you see? [CHOIRE bursts into tears, runs out to some palm trees to smoke.]

UNFAMILIAR MAN: You see that? You made a grown man, someone who loves you, cry like a little girl. You happy about that?

BALK: He cries all the time! You suggest one little edit and it's "Boo hoo hoo, I quit!" I'd be more concerned if he weren't crying! But I still don't understand what the problem is!

CHO: [Stands, walks over to BALK, delivers sharp slap to the face] Did that hurt?

BALK: [Rubbing face] Uh, yeah! What the fuck?!?

CHO: Well, that's how you make each and every one of us feel every day watching you do this to yourself. And you're not just doing it to yourself. You're doing it to all of us. God, I am so angry with you right now. Focus, Dave. Find center. [CHO drops into free throw, hums Kanye beat.]

BRY: Balk, do you really not know why we're here?

BALK: No! And I wish someone would tell me!

BRY: It's the Listicles Without Commentary, Balk. You're addicted to them. You've gone crazy. You can't edit a post without inserting at least three per paragraph. It's not healthy, it's not necessary, and it's bad posting. And we're worried that you can't stop.

BALK: But!

UNFAMILIAR MAN: See what you're doing there?

BALK: No! I mean, yes! I mean… Frye, do you feel the same way?

CARRIE: I do. I'm sorry. I just want you to get better. Also, can I have one of those muffins?

BALK: Sure! Here is a list of reasons wh- [Realizes] Oh. I mean, sure! Here is a list of reasons wh- Oh my God, I can't stop!

UNFAMILIAR MAN: Balk, if you're prepared, we can have you on a plane tonight that will bring you to Full Posts, Malibu. It's a full-time, twenty-four hour blog shtick rehabilitation facility that works on a strict Denton and Scocca method. If you're ready to commit to the program, we can have you de-listicize by July 1.

BALK: I—I don't—Okay, yes! Yes! Do you know what it's like, living like this! I can't even post a proper YouTube embed! I need help! Let's go now! In the following ways: !

UNFAMILIAR MAN: Say it with me. "Let's go now."

BALK: [Gritting teeth, showing effort.] Lets. GO. NOW.

UNFAMILIAR MAN: I knew you had it in you.

[UNFAMILIAR MAN takes BALK by the hand and leads him to the waiting limo outside. CHOIRE re-enters, CHO disengages from his cypher.]

CHO: That went well, I think.

CHOIRE: Totally. Now I'm finally going to get to use the word "twat" in a post! Let's go, kids! It's our time!

[CURTAIN]

jolie (#16)

@Matt ALSKHFSLKHF NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD ALSKFHSLKHSF 'abalk2'

Matt (#26)

@jolie Oh fuck I left "Gawker office" in. Oh well, even Jesus had days like this.

jolie (#16)

@Matt "Hey, is this the new Cat?"

NO NO, JUST SOMETHING IN MY EYE. sniffle

jolie (#16)

@Matt You also have Choire telling Balk "You're my managing editor." which HA! (The smoking under the palm trees was a nice touch though! Miami!)

Matt (#26)

@jolie I thought of changing that one but I left it for comedic purposes!

Also wavered on the Cat part, because I'm still dealing with the world's loss, but I decided to go with it.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Did you gank this from "The Seduction of Paolo Hewitt".

Times like this I wish Molly Hatchet were from Jersey.

Abe Sauer (#148)

So you;re saying the top Jersey turnpike doesn't actually exist?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Abe Sauer How dare you.

Beton Brut (#9,351)

RIP, the Admiral Halsey Service Area, aka, that service area that our family never went to but saw signs of when using exit 13A to head to IKEA.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Beton Brut RIP the Howard Stern Rest Area

sugarbiscuit (#10,351)

Didn't JSBX already cover this?

jfruh (#713)

GROVER CLEVELAND BELONGS TO BUFFALO DAMN YOU

BUFFALO

YOU JERSEY FUCKS CAN'T HAVE HIM

DAMN YOU

jfruh (#713)

@jfruh (fun fact: the sports teams for Buffalo's Grover Cleveland High School are called the "Presidents." I believe their girls teams are actually called the "Lady Presidents.")

petejayhawk (#1,249)

@jfruh HA, that's not even a THING!

Aatom (#74)

I wish I was making this up, but I used to come up here from DC in the 90s on bus trips organized by Scott Henry to the Storm raves in Brooklyn. This was the candy-rave era, and our bus of misfit toys on ecstasy made quite an impression on the lardmonkeys feeding themselves at the Roy Rogers trough in at least half of these places. The bouncers at the illegal warehouse parties we ended up at always seemed rather amused as well. YOUTH.

keisertroll (#1,117)

No Springsteen? I am not amused.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@keisertroll: Having a Turnpike rest stop named after you is like appearing on money. (You have to die first.)

Mr. B (#10,093)

Being an actual Jersey native, I don't think I've ever actually stopped at any of the Turnpike rest stops. But I could probably make a halfway decent listicle of the rest stops on the New York State Thruway!

That said, Thomas Edison was a Jerk, and I'll be the first guy to admit that Walt Whitman (warning: penis) belongs always and forever to New York, no matter where he happened to retire.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Mr. B You must have a much larger bladder than me, because I've hit at least 75 percent of these.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@boyofdestiny: That and I don't drive to Delaware all that often.

(If I'm on the Turnpike at all, it's all north of Exit 7.)

Marco Romano (#4,090)

Do you pee on a tree at the Joyce Kilmer stop?

DennyCrane (#1,803)

I could have SWORN there was a Howard Stern rest stop.

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