Don’t ask how we got this. It’s not important how we got this. But here’s how we got this: Despite his photographic-negative-with-sunglasses-on-the-back-of-his-head aesthetic, celebrity chef, startlingly discomfiting physical presence and “Minute To Win It” host Guy Fieri is, it turns out, an Awl reader. After Jeff Johnson and I discussed a speculative obesity-enhancement device known as a “sauce wash” in this Yakkin’ About Football chat, Fieri’s lawyers called us to see if we had patented the invention. Long story short, we’ve all now got plenty of those Quiznos’s dollars to spend, and I blow the occasional weekend riding around in Guy’s classic Dodge Charger, watching him get gravy in his eyebrows while eating four-pound fried-meat sandwiches at family restaurants on Florida’s Space Coast. So my invitation to Guy’s Slammin’ Seder ‘Sperience didn’t really come as a surprise. That said, the menu blew my mind, even knowing what I know about the guy and his work. Read on, and get ready to get hungry/queasy!
Hillel Sandwich: Jalapeno-charoset poppers with kickin’ horseradish ranch dipping sauce
Carpas: Turkey sriracha sashimi in WildWrappers™ lettuce cups
Gefilte fish parmigiana “jammers”
Buffalo chicken soup with wasabi-saltpeter matzah balls
Slammin’ Sweet Potato Kugel Bites™ with Scotch Bonnet ginger-soy aioli
Chopped liver sliders, chipotle-schmaltz “zipping” sauce
Brisket Stix™ with Manischewitz-mustard “drizzlers”
Habanero brisket with deep-fried horseradish quinoa “Watza Matza? Balls”™
“Moses In The Basket”: Heavily breaded chicken fingers served in a paper-lined plastic basket with a small container of honey mustard
White Zinfandel Plague-spritzer
Golden raisin-and-halvah macaroons with Coors Banquet Beer sorbet
Dry Gefen yellow cake from a box
Photo by Mark Logico, U.S. Navy via Wikimedia Commons.