Monday, April 18th, 2011

Passover At Guy Fieri’s House

Don’t ask how we got this. It’s not important how we got this. But here’s how we got this: Despite his photographic-negative-with-sunglasses-on-the-back-of-his-head aesthetic, celebrity chef, startlingly discomfiting physical presence and “Minute To Win It” host Guy Fieri is, it turns out, an Awl reader. After Jeff Johnson and I discussed a speculative obesity-enhancement device known as a “sauce wash” in this Yakkin’ About Football chat, Fieri’s lawyers called us to see if we had patented the invention. Long story short, we’ve all now got plenty of those Quiznos's dollars to spend, and I blow the occasional weekend riding around in Guy’s classic Dodge Charger, watching him get gravy in his eyebrows while eating four-pound fried-meat sandwiches at family restaurants on Florida’s Space Coast. So my invitation to Guy’s Slammin’ Seder ‘Sperience didn’t really come as a surprise. That said, the menu blew my mind, even knowing what I know about the guy and his work. Read on, and get ready to get hungry/queasy!

Hillel Sandwich: Jalapeno-charoset poppers with kickin' horseradish ranch dipping sauce
Carpas: Turkey sriracha sashimi in WildWrappers™ lettuce cups

Gefilte fish parmigiana "jammers"

Buffalo chicken soup with wasabi-saltpeter matzah balls

Slammin' Sweet Potato Kugel Bites™ with Scotch Bonnet ginger-soy aioli
Chopped liver sliders, chipotle-schmaltz "zipping" sauce
Brisket Stix™ with Manischewitz-mustard "drizzlers"

Habanero brisket with deep-fried horseradish quinoa "Watza Matza? Balls"™
"Moses In The Basket": Heavily breaded chicken fingers served in a paper-lined plastic basket with a small container of honey mustard

White Zinfandel Plague-spritzer

Golden raisin-and-halvah macaroons with Coors Banquet Beer sorbet
Dry Gefen yellow cake from a box

David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal's Daily Fix, contributes to the sports blog Can't Stop the Bleeding and has his own little website. And he tweets!

Charles Star hosts the useless lecture series Adult Education on the first Tuesday of every month at Union Hall in Park Slope. And he tweets.

Photo by Mark Logico, U.S. Navy via Wikimedia Commons.

27 Comments / Post A Comment

deepomega (#1,720)

Guy Fieri: Secret Jew

Bittersweet (#765)

"Fieri" was originally "Fierstein."

deepomega (#1,720)

I'm just saying, his first name is practically Goy.

cherrispryte (#444)

@deepomega I have such a strong urge to go fuck with his Wikipedia page right now ….

Inglorious Waistlines

freetzy (#7,018)

The habanero brisket sounds like it's worth losing your foreskin over.

grandpa27 (#804)

What? No Mogan David?

barnhouse (#1,326)

If only they handed out Pulitzers–nay, Nobel Prizes–for genius in deploying quotation marks.

hazmathilda (#839)


Aatom (#74)

"Turkey sriracha sashimi"

Unholy days.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Guy Filte Ish!!

Andy Rosenberger (#3,872)

The first thing I thought when I read this was "Man, i gotta send this to my Jewish friends!" …only to realize here in flyover country I have none.

So I guess I'll have to make do by sending it to myself. It works for the Jewish Singles of Des Moines

Smitros (#5,315)

Though I am not Jewish, I have to believe that his manwhorish collaboration with one of the mall restaurants (Chili's? Applebee's? Fridays?) renders his opinion forever null and void in any capacity.

katiechasm (#163)

@Smitros His haircut didn't?

Smitros (#5,315)

@katiechasm I knew he was a tonsorial goofball, but I was once upon a time willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. My bad.

gaga (#11,249)

Too bad NONE of these recipes are remotely kosher for Passover and totally defy the laws of Kashrut. It would have been great if he stayed within the lines so us observers could enjoy. Cannot eat poppers due to breading and "ranch" dairy sauce in a meat meal; parmigiana gefilte? sounds delish but again, dairy in a meat meal; cannot eat soy (legume), cannot eat mustard (grain), Coors BEER??? (HOPS! Cannot eat) and don't even get me started on the quinoa. None of this stuff is Passover friendly by any stretch of the imagination. The novelty is adorable and I'm sure it's delicious but it's sort of ridiculous. Equivalent of a Jewish chef coming up with all meat meals for Lent.

melis (#1,854)

Oh, I love this.

KimO (#10,765)

I can't tell which parts of this are jokes.

David Roth (#4,429)

All parts of it are jokes — totally made-up, although I'm kind of delighted that even needed to be clarified. Still, matzo-meal poppers are the future and we should probably get used it.

RickJB (#10,562)

"Gefilte fish parmigiana 'jammers'"

Cultural imperialism for easily replicable commoditization? Check.

Playing up the Italian angle out of schticky minstrelsy? Mama Mia!

Least common denominator branding? Good Call!

NAILED IT GUYS. Bringing the heat, as usual.

Andrew Piccone (#7,185)

I've always been a big fan of the sauce wash, and am glad to see it back in the fold.

GailPink (#9,712)

"Moses In The Basket." Hee!

KC (#11,273)

Am I the only car nut who caught the error. Guy doesn't drive a CHARGER on the show, he's driving a CHEVROLET CAMARO! Jeez, I can't believe it but I guess you had to be born before 1967 to recognize one.

PM (#11,280)

Um…"heavily breaded" chicken fingers? That's like opening a vegetarian restaurant and serving hamburger.

Mort Young (#9,769)

Is it Passover already?

Howdini (#11,296)

What, no Bacon-wrapped Grisini "Staff of Moses?" Feh.

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