8
Man Excited About Fancy New Toilet, Being On TV
WTXF NEWS DIRECTOR: We've got a two minute hole to fill. I guess we run what's basically a commercial for a $6000 toilet while you extol its virtues in voiceover, but I worry about the actual newsiness of it. As presently constituted it lacks urgency.
MIKE JERRICK: How about I open the segment by coming out of a bathroom stall?
WTXF NEWS DIRECTOR: Brilliant!
MIKE JERRICK: Maybe we could peg it to tax day. You know, expensive new toilet, why not use your refund money to buy it?
WTXF NEWS DIRECTOR: Jerrick, you're a fancy-toilet pimping Edward R. Murrow. If only they gave out Pulitzers for television.
[Curtain]
Looks nice… until you come home drunk and try to hurl into the thing. Then, you're pretty much just puking on another bathroom countertop.
Finally, a story anchor for my remake of His Girl Friday starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler – Garcon, another snifter of cocaine, chop chop!
How dare they soil the legacy of "Switching Channels"!
I can pee on my stereo right now and it won't cost me a dime.
Still doesn't beat a Ferguson (it only comes in white…)
Fun Fact: WTXF was known until the 80's as WTAF, as in WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
True. Also true: Every story that ends with a static shot of Conshohocken segues into a story about a toilet.
The way he charged out of that stall blathering about his tax refund, I was certain he had spent it all on coke.