Friday, April 1st, 2011

I'm Terribly Conflicted About Whether To Tell You What I Found In My Satur Farms Salad Box From Whole Foods

So I've been massively vacillating about whether or not to write about what I found in my Satur Farms salad box this week. (By the way, for those of you who are familiar with this brand, don't you always think it looks like Satur should be Saturn? Doesn't it seem like the 'n' was just left off as some sort of typo?)

Here is what happened: On Sunday, March 27, I bought a box of Satur Farms salad greens at Whole Foods and brought it home, only to find the finger from a rubber glove inside. It was unfortunate; I love Satur Farms products, and wish the company no ill will. I also do not blame Whole Foods in any way, as they don't make this product, but merely carry it. I've made a video of my experience (you'll find it below) but I don't know if I should write about it. I'm not sure I should announce that I found a rubber glove in my Satur Farms salad box. First of all, I wonder if I would be screwing myself out of some kind of restitution or reward. If I choose to do this quietly by sending a letter to the company, perhaps they will give me a lifetime supply of salad? If I write about it, then it's "out there" and they'd have no reason to send me anything. In fact, they'd probably just be pissed.

Then again, that first explanation presupposes an angry company that will be bitter and wish to argue with me. A second possibility, and the second reason I'm hesitant, is that it's a nice company, this was a rare accident (perfectly likely), and by writing about it, I'd be causing a 'shit storm' that may result in bad things for Satur Farms employees. I remember how the woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy's chili made a lot of trouble for Wendy's, and I wouldn't want anything like that to happen to Satur.

Speaking of that Wendy's faker, my third reason for feeling cautious about writing about this is the possibility that people might accuse me of making this up, as she did. I don't think anything about me screams "person looking to create Internet fame by orchestrating a fake food incident," but who knows? I mean, who would even think of such a specific thing as the finger from a rubber glove? If I wanted to make up a dramatic scenario, I think I'd find a cockroach. Or dogshit.

Finally, I don't want to become 'known' for this incident. The Internet works in strange ways—zeitgest!!—we never know what will really grab people. There's a chance that if I write about it, a few people will read it, comment "Gross!" and that'll be that. And this is the scenario I choose to envision. But there's also the possibility, however distant, that it would 'go viral' and get mad hitz, in which case, God forbid, I'd become "the guy who found a rubber glove in his salad." I would probably have to go on TV and stuff.

Still, this is hardly comparable to finding maggots in a Big Mac. In a way, though, it's even more upsetting, since this is a health-food product bought at Whole Foods, whereas if you eat at McDonald's, what do you expect? I felt so good about myself, buying my salad at Whole Foods with all the other nice-looking health freaks, but now what did I get in return? A rubber glove. And not even a whole one!

I'm going to head to Whole Foods as soon as I can (it's a 15-block walk and I recently hurt my foot), and when I do, you know what? I think I'll just return the salad and get my money back. That's all I want out of this. I think it'd be over the top to write about it and tell everyone. I'm going to keep it to myself.

Daniel Roberts is a magazine reporter in New York.

57 Comments / Post A Comment

saythatscool (#101)

Oh, I was wondering where I left that.

KyleJ (#10,864)

Your salad is boxed some place where they wear rubber gloves and you found a piece of one in your salad. Go get a refund/replacement box of salad and carry on, there's really no need to announce this to the world.

Screen Name (#2,416)

These kids today. Such complainers with their little plastic salad boxes with a piece of a rubber glove inside. When I was a young man you couldn't even get goddamn salad in a box! You couldn't! In my day a man wanted a salad he'd have to go out and buy a whole goddamn head of lettuce, chop it up like some kind of goddamn Samurai warrior and then put the rubber glove pieces in himself. Brutal work. But you know what? In those days we appreciated the effort that went into making a rubber glove salad. We appreciated it.

KenWheaton (#401)

In my day, men didn't eat salads. Or if they did, they sure as hell didn't admit it.

djfreshie (#875)

"Why SIR Edmund Hillary, what on earth is that you're eating, good man? Is that a…box? Of…of leafy greens? Are you not a MAN?!"
"Haha, why of course not Tenzing. Why this box, or container if you will, filled of lettuce-like items, or whathaveyou, is merely, or was I should say, the base for what I would rather appropriately describe as a 'mountain' of meat, which I have already consumed."

magic (#10,865)

Amen. For the first few sentences, I thought he'd found an *actual* finger. What a let down.

Aatom (#74)

Back in my day we ate cheap flank steak and frozen peas. AND WE LIKED IT.

zidaane (#373)

Why did we need to see the directors cut of this as well?

thundacunt (#10,611)

AMEN!! i am reading this story thinking there has to be a climax somewhere….they wore gloves while making this…what is the "OMG I WILL RUN THEM OUT OF BUSINESS AND BE FAMOUS ALLL OVER THE 'NET FOR DOING SO" shocker!??

Daniel, you suck.

snow_cat (#10,873)

Double Amen! How is this a major drama?

willystaley (#7,688)

I once found a caterpillar in my Satur Farms Wild Arugula. I even twitpic-ed it, hoping that maybe I'd get a boatload of free arugula, like in the Triscuits commercials, but no dice.

ejcsanfran (#489)

I once found half of a grasshopper in my mouth after eating a salad at some restaurant in Soho. I thought I'd eaten a hair and pulled it out of my mouth. It wasn't a hair – it was an antenna. My assumption is that it was a whole grasshopper when it was served to me. This was not a pleasant experience.

HiredGoons (#603)

I used to eat crickets on purpose at Galaxy in Union Square.

zidaane (#373)

I'm wondering what kind of hairs you are used to cause I think I would know the difference between a pube and an an antenna but I would need to experiment more to be sure.

carpetblogger (#306)

Are you sure it was a grasshopper? Other bugs, more commonly seen in restaurants, have antennae and hard, crunchy shells. Nom Nom Nom.

Oh, yeah? I found a live slug in my wild arugula. But I live in Yurp, so everything is, like, more real. And squiggly.

jfruh (#713)

It's nice to know that the people handling the salad are wearing rubber gloves, I guess? My wife once found a, no lie, dead six-inch-long grasshopper-type-thing in a bag of washed spinach, which, oh god it was gross.

deepomega (#1,720)

I found one in a SANDWICH at the cafe around the corner from my office. Never been back. (For sandwiches. Their fries are great!)

Elle (#7,022)

Sorry. No pity from me. Found a cockroach in a Blockheads burrito. At least it was still in one piece. Still, vomited for an hour.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Young man, as your attorney, I advise you to at least hold out for the rest of the hand.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

My love for you cannot be quantified.

That salad looks like Hitler.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

Gross! Not really.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

I once found a piece of salad in my KFC Chicken and Biscuit Bowl. Grossed me the fuck out.

thundacunt (#10,611)


propertius (#361)

"Doesn't it seem like the 'n' was just left off as some sort of typo?"

Or they had a clever branding consultant, one of the kind that finds Latin kind of classy.

satur (from Lewis & Short dictionary)

II. Trop., rich, fruitful … Hence, sătŭra , ae, f. (sc. lanx), orig., a dish filled with various kinds of fruits, a plate of fruit; hence, also, food composed of various ingredients, a mixture, medley, olio, etc. (both significations, however, rest only on the statements of the grammarians).

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

The salad was in case next to the fingerling potatoes.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

In the next aisle over, you could find a hand of bananas.

Don't even think about what is in the Whole Baby aisle.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Krugmanic Depressive: that's why hippies love this store.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I once found an eye in my potato.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I once found an elbow in my macaroni. (Nobody wants to play with me?)

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

I found an ear in my corn?

pepper (#676)

Let's not even begin with the fingerling potatoes.

le yawn@twitter (#10,907)

au contraire, i'm pretty sure we began this thread with the fingerling potatoes

thundacunt (#10,611)

i once found a fin in my muffin…grossest thing ever!!

a back in my ribs?
no? i suck!

Darn, I was hoping it was a condom.

saythatscool (#101)

Check that Shamrock Shake your drinking there, Clarence.

deepomega (#1,720)

"Shamrock shake" is what I call sex with your mom, STC.

saythatscool (#101)

So that's what she meant when she said she had a "little" Irish in her!

deepomega (#1,720)

You know what they say about sex with an irishman, don't you? Always use protection – a goalie's face mask should do it.

saythatscool (#101)

I'm just thrilled you're no longer a mid-20's virgin, deep.

Daniel Roberts (#10,861)

We were certainly afraid of that at first.

hman (#53)

How bout a condom in yr muffin?
I worked at the Health Department when this happened back in 2004:

deepomega (#1,720)

Call me when you find a severed human penis in your salad. Actually, better yet, go right to the source and just call saythatscool.

saythatscool (#101)

Wait, is it my penis in the salad or am I severing other people's penises?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)


penii? penasia?

christonacracker (#10,871)

Any obsessive Buffy watchers think that Mr. Roberts here sounds exactly like Xander? No? Just me being a creepy 90's obsessed tv watching slob? Oh well.

inthedetails (#10,872)

Why was this written or posted for that matter?
And thank god we had that lisping play-by-play of the kid opening the salad. How could I have gone on with my day with out it?

This is some Channel 9 News on a slow Sunday Mess…blood or it's not worth it…

objectifier (#10,879)

I lol'ed. gr8 april fools piece! (kind of over satur salads, though. can never finish them before they wilt up a storm :/)

oof (#10,883)

I'm sorry but the first sentence of this article made me cringe. Sorry to be one of those people, but you do not need to say "whether or not" after using the the verb vacillating. Just "whether" is fine. Don't even get me started on the grotesqueness of the phrase "massively vacillating"…ick

Flaneur (#998)

I found a large, still-wriggling bug of some kind in an Earthbound Farms salad some years ago. It was probably livelier before it was half-drowned by my dressing. Wrote twice to the customer-service email address, receiving no response of any kind.

This comment has been as boring as the original post, and I apologize.

Saiko (#10,898)

A friend of mine found part of a rubber glove in his oatmeal while we were eating at a diner. We called the waitress over and she said, sounding all put out, "It's just a rubber glove."

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