How To Break Up With A Gay
A local gay writes to say: "I need to read a blog post that teaches one how to break up with someone." Ask and you shall receive. On Fridays, at least.
The majority of gay-on-gay breakups are done through either sudden shunning or slow fade. Gays are equally good at both. That is the Level Three breakup, and it's really common, and I mean that in both senses. It's easy, frequent and kind of terrible! Everyone hates to get faded on but everyone loves to always be fading.
The Level Two breakup is a sort of horrible, confusing, awkward conversation (often over phone or IM!) about how "things in your life are happening and you need to focus on them." It's half-assed, even when it's true.
But Level One breakups are where it's at.
Level One breakups are when you've "gone clear" on relationships (just kidding, I'm not a Scientologist, swear) and you know how to conduct yourself authoritatively and adultly. These are breakups where the relationship just isn't right for you. (You ask yourself: "Am I enjoying this? Is this what I want?" If the answer is no, then you break up. Simple.) This isn't for breakups where the other person is an asshole or a drug addict. (Those are easy: "Your drug use/assholism/whatever makes me unwilling to date you.")
It's a skill that comes and goes too! Sometimes you can sack up and perform a good breakup. Sometimes you can't.
Basically, you can cheat on any one of these things but not more than one of these things:
A Level One breakup is:
• A serious conversation…
• …in person…
• …that includes the phrase "I don't want to date you any more" or "I don't want to have a relationship with you any more." That's a complete sentence. It may be surrounded by waffling, baffling or self-undermining sentences, but it must stand on its own and in the end it…
• … leaves the dumped gay feeling like he has been treated with respect.
To be fair, I have committed exactly one Level One breakup in my life (mmm, maybe two of them) and I have had more than my share of breakups. It's not easy, and it's really easy to just shine people on. And also? Just because you've committed a Level One breakup doesn't mean that everyone's going to feel good, even in years to come! But at least you'll sleep better at night.
Levels? These should be color-coded, like Homeland Security threat alerts. And whether or not it's a Code Red, it should employ the Universal Guy Lie: "It's not you – it's me."
color coded back-pocket hankies, perhaps?
It's usually them.
*always
A-Always, B-Be, F-Fading… Always be fading, always be fading!
Meh. I'm sticking with "I've decided to move to Ft. Lauderdale…"
Man, I spent my twenties and most of my thirties at Level 3. I am now an expert at Level 1. You too can insert your own "It Gets Better" story here.
Sounds suspiciously like a non-gay break up.
The Gays….THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!!!!111!!
Ummm, yeah. What's gay about this?
Let's face it — there're some people one dates who just aren't worth wasting maturity on.
But how does one break up with a goy?
If you're a Jew? Blame it on your mother.
The levels of gay breakup are not dissimilar to Graydon Carter's "seven rooms."
Not to be all kumbayah and we're all the same and blah blah blah, but I would be willing to apply these rules to breaking up with straights as well!
I prefer Level 3. Turn off your phone and delete your facebook for 3 months.
I once made the mistake of trying to channel Richard Dreyfus and explain how this guy, I really did love and still do in that hopeless idiot sort of way, had a combo coke/panic disorder/power need to be well-known was interfering with my single minded vision of bringing my opus to life (if you've ever dated a guy who tried to use your baby for fameball status you know what I mean) and Level 1 bit me on the ass many years later out of the blue.
Anyone asks me now, Drop em like its hot… But never ask me how to ignore their sexy smile and silver tongue. No ideas there.
What about Twitter @-replies? Or is it better to DM?
#fadingfriday @breakupee
I'm disappointed there's no honorable mention for Level 4 (mentioning to your sig oth with desperate frequency how much you enjoy dancing on tables and being young and free and sing–oops. No of course nothing's wrong baby, but if you want to talk…)
We can make up new levels? This is important information.
On a side note, just because I like bragging…isn't the Charlie Sheen cameo so much more fun than the Rip Torn one?
Edit: It's always more fun to make great friends just because you like them than love to the camera. Camera's always end up running out of AA battery power.
I actually did this once…I was dating a fellow somewhat briefly and decided it was not going to work out–so I suddenly became australian and pretended I had never met the guy in my life–and despite him not really buying it–I stuck to the script and it just sort of faded. So the same level 3 but with an international flair
Ahaha this I love, in a faintly scared way.
Ironically enough I had to do that before I realized sneaky people can falsify their originating numbers. I chose Cockney though.
Moylan?
(You ask yourself: "Am I enjoying this? Is this what I want?" If the answer is no, then you break up. Simple.)
Everyone should always listen to Choire always. Just, you know, as a general life rule.
As a serial divorcee, I, for at least myself but I suspect a lot of other straights, am REALLY looking forward to the gays experiencing divorce court, visitation, child custody fights and all the other things that we straights have had to put up with for so long while you guys just found a new fuckbuddy and "faded" your exes.
If this sounds bitchy, jealous and bitter, well, so be it.
Reasons I have had to break up with ex boyfriends include:
1)refusal to go above Canal Street to come meet me somewhere.
2)tried to debate me on the severity of The Holocaust.
3)stole a pair of $125 vintage art deco sunglasses from Japan; WHICH I GOT BACK.
You've left out Level 4: out crazying the latent crazy; and, in almost all seriousness, Level 5: being physically assaulted. That shit happens more frequently than expected among the pashmina wearing, cosmo swilling, "Comeback" watching set. Related: interesting use of "Alles Was Zählt" soap super-couple Roman & Deniz to illustrate this article. I think their relationship really kicked off when Deniz watched his hockey buddies bash Roman Tonya Harding-style then run away. Follow-up post should be how to break into a relationship!
I'm pretty good at breakups! So good that I can be kind of a snob about it. One time a girl dumped me via e-mail, and my whole response was "Over e-mail? Really?"
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"Hey, I bought into a share with the guys in the Pines. There's, well, no more beds in the house." also works.
The Gays: Breakin' Up Just Like the Straights! Next thing you know they'll be gettin' married like us!
(soon, i hope?)