Five Questions & Answers from the Ashley Madison 'Affair Guarantee' FAQs
Q. Why am I required to post a primary photo in my public or private showcase?
A. We have found that members with photos have a better experience on AshleyMadison.com. In fact, users with photos are 10 times more likely to be contacted! It is for this reason that the program rules specify that you must have at least one primary photo.
Q. How do I ask for my guarantee?
A. If, after 3 months of purchasing your Affair Guarantee Membership Package you are eligible for the $249 refund please click on the following "Affair Guarantee Refund Application". Requests must be made within 30 days of Program expiration.
Q. What happens to my Membership Package if I did not qualify for the refund?
A. Your outstanding credits can be used at any time and are not limited to the first 3 months of your membership. Please continue to use the service at your leisure and we trust you will find that someone special.
Q. I sent or responded to 18 people each month, why didn't it count?
A. The program rules state that you must send or reply to a minimum of 18 unique AshleyMadison.com members each month ("unique" meaning users you have not previously contacted). In addition, your initial mail message must be sent "Priority" for which you will receive a confirmation that the member has opened your message. Sending mail with priority status is proven to draw more attention than sending mail with regular mail status.
Q. How do I purchase the Affair Guarantee program?
A. It's easy! Simply purchase the Affair Guarantee Membership Package. To learn more about the program, please read our program rules. If you have not encountered someone special after 3 months and followed all the program rules, you will qualify for the $249 refund + applicable taxes.
Abe Sauer remembers a simpler time, when having affairs was easy.
Five Questions & Answers From the Craigslist Casual Encounters Faqs:
Q: Do I have to be literate to get laid on Craigslist?
A: No, not really! You just need to be extremely focused. The more times you post dick shots, the better. And watch out for prostitutes.
Q: How do I know if the other person is a hooker?
A: Usually it's pretty obvious! Do they offer several options? Do they refer to receiving "roses" in exchange for handjays?
Q: Wait, roses mean something besides roses?
A: Uh, yes? Did you think all those craigslist hookers just had a thriving bouquet resale business on the side?
Q: I just assumed it was an old-fashioned chivalry sort of thing!
A: Chivalry is not appreciated on Craigslist Casual Encounters. In fact, the more chivalrous you are, the less likely you are to Get Your Dick Wet on the Internet. (Trademark pending.)
Q: So a rose is a dollar? That seems a bit optimistic.
A: Didn't asking for hundreds of roses seem sort of suspicious? Jesus. Pay attention.
Marry me.
Q. How do I purchase the Affair Guarantee program?
A. It's easy! Simply purchase the Affair Guarantee Membership Package.
NGGHGGHGHGHGGHHG
*Brains not included.
Alternative use for $249: take your spouse out to a super nice dinner, order a fucking fantastic bottle of wine, order a second fucking fantastic bottle of wine, and as the sommelier (because you fucking better have ponied up for the kind of place that has a sommelier and not some pussy wine waiter who learned his shit from watching James & Oz's Wine Adventure) pops the cork out of that sucker, sweetly and gently utter the words, "Darling, I wanted to talk to you about opening up our relationship."
If your spouse does not immediately snatch the corkscrew from the hands of the sommelier and attempt to stab you through the throat with it, you may be in luck.