"To My Husband": Singles in Blog War!
I don't know why but people have been talking about this Tumblr that started last month, called To My Wife, which is all little things allegedly written by a guy for his allegedly future wife, things like, "I hope you like pancakes, because I’ll be making them. Happy Birthday." Haha, I know. (Mostly I think: hope you enjoy your first wife as quickly as you can, pal, because you're someone who needs to move on to a second one pretty fast. Because: "My Soap: Please, for the love of god, my bar of soap is my bar of soap." What? Is this a thing that happens in marriages that I have never experienced, where people have separate bars of soap?) Anyway, thank God, finally the response blog comes along: To My Husband. Because, you know: "The Proposal: You will not make a public spectacle of asking to marry me or I will say no just to fuck with you on general principle." Fight! Fight!
"No, I hate pancakes. Your ex-girlfriend was the one who liked pancakes. Why are you still thinking about her? God, I made such a mistake with you."
Oooh now my new favorite game is trying to figure out which entry on page 4 made Choire go, "ALKHSFKLHDGLKH [ed: out loud, yes] I CANNOT TAKE ANOTHER PAGE OF THIS?"
(I know it was the one about pancakes but just let me have my fun okay?)
"To my Future Unfollowers"
"I hope you like waffles, because I will force them down your gullet with a cannon wadscrew from my Civil War Reenactment Society."
Wadscrew. fnar, fnar.
"Employment of the term "man cave" is grounds for divorce."
"My arms get hot."
When you get married, you get one bar of soap per person and it has to last you the whole year.
obligatory:
my soap, my soap. my soap seems so smart but i worry about my soap.
*call me
I nervously enjoy that the 'to my wife's get increasingly violent as time progresses.
Well, you know, "Love is pain."
This guy I used to work with lived at home until he got married sometime in his late thirties. The marriage lasted weeks because his wife did something that no woman should ever do. EVER. Marriage OVER. But he wouldn't say what it was. I still wonder… What do you think it was?
Used his soap, obviously.
I think the important question here is, was it something that no woman should ever do, or something that no person should ever do? Because if the marriage ended because your former coworker is too hung up on gender rules, sounds like she's better off without him.
@cherri: She got a job.
It was something a WOMAN should never do. And without even knowing what it was, I can say that she is better off without him. He was also engaged in some kind of war with his homeowners association (or whatever those people that enforce rules for subdivision-type homes are called) about an old tree in his front yard. So he cut it down and stapled a little plastic silver xmas tree to the stump in revolt. I don't live in the suburbs, but that just seems weird.
Oh. Well in that case, she either farted or orgasmed.
I was gonna say, she initiated sex.
She said, 'It's okay. It happens to lots of guys.'
"Other women: I may look at the menu, but will never order, unless of course I have a gift certificate to that restaurant, or my friend went there and said it was really good."
"… or unless Frank Bruni gave it an amazing writeup in the Times."
TAGS: #dismantledmetaphors
MySoap? This guys has issues. I've shared toothbrushes and underwear (albeit, infrequently).
Breaking into homes to get the toothbrushes and underwear is generally frowned upon. Hence, the monitoring ankle bracelet.
Look, I apologized. When are you going to let it go?
This sort of thing is why I'm afraid of tumblr. "We’ll have a joint laundry system, much like a checking account. I’ll wash your clothes with mine and you can wash mine with yours." To quote Calvin: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH
To My Husband is great, but there's no way it can be evil enough to provide adequate mind-cleansing catharsis after reading even a tiny bit of the original.
Noooo tumblr is a happy place where you can post whatever comes into your brain and people will heart you for it and if you want you can also have lots of pictures of David Tennant/Matt Smith/the cast of Torchwood show up all day if that happens to be your sort of thing but I do not know anything about that.
If I get one of these things you're going to be among the first I follow.
"Sometimes … We can just stay up until we fall asleep."
And then, we can sleep until we wake up, and maybe sometimes we can even eat until we are not hungry anymore.
"We could talk or not talk for hours."
Seriously, it's the preamble to an Edith punchline.
"We can live until we die, just fall over dead."
"To my dead wife. You can have the coffin next to mine and also next to the tiny one for my soap."
Oh oh please start a "To my dead wife" Tumblr.
"And sing Hawaiian or non-Hawaiian songs."
"But I like it, too."
They like sequels, generally.
As for the soap? I suspect it was really body wash, and the reason she can't use it is because THIS IS VERY MANLY PERFUMES
You're right, this guy sounds like the Irish Spring type. And not the body wash either, he's the hardcore solid cake o'soap type.
I'm hoping they marry each other just so we don't get stuck with either of them.
HUSH, you'll give CBS ideas for a sitcom.
What's the husband/wife rule on a future where war is fought with Tumblr blogs?
Also: "Respect the perimeter of my underwear drawer."
Glad to know this is a recurrent problem for other people, too. I hate it when I come home and my underwear is dirty and I go to get clean underwear but my wife is there sleeping on top of my clean underwear in my underwear drawer.
you married your cat too, eh?
I proposed to my cat – but he just raked his claws across my face in response. We're still living together, though.
I can understand having separate soap, if, like, you just don't like the other person's soap. I mean, I am very particular about my soap for a number of reasons, and I don't really like using other brands. So I bring my own soap to my boyfriend's place because I prefer it to whatever he's got there. But I don't care if he wants to use mine, because seriously, that's weird. (Wasn't this a plotline in Seinfeld or Friends or something? I vaguely remember someone objecting to someone else using his soap, and the line "It's soap! It's self-cleaning!)
Agreed, although I'd be a little taken aback by my man's use of my pear-jasmine-cucumber body wash (if I used that, which I don't).
Are we sure that this isn't Eric Schaeffer from "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" fame?
whoa! blast from the past!
When I was a little girl, my mom told me not to use my dad's bar soap because–and I can't remember if she said this directly, or if it was somehow implied–it would hurt my lady parts. Is this NOT TRUE AT ALL??
It's only true if your dad was using VaginAway Springs, the soap for washing all the lady off ya.
Ehrm, it can be sort of true? I was never allowed to take bubble baths for the same vaguely-implied reason – basically, you don't want harsh chemicals, especially fragrances, going near sensitive bits. Because this can cause itching and pain and infections for some people and for some other people, it doesn't do any of those things, but better safe than sorry. I am assuming your dad was using harsher soap than yours/your mom's?
But I am one of those overly sensitive-skin people who can't deal with anything but the most boring of bodywashes and gets migraines based on her coworker's perfumes, so perhaps I am making this all up.
"In it, Jannuzzi (who's in PR"
laksjf;
"Ladies: Collective "awwww.""
God, reading that pained me even more than reading the blog itself. Jesus. No. Nonononono.
Wow. I am a hopeless romantic (I thought) cuz I like to do things like not just pissing on the floor when the toilet lid is down, but actually lifting the thing up (I know, how am I still single?) cuz, I care.
Then i tried to think of what i'd say to my wife, for my very own tumblr, but all i could think of was
"To My Wife: Uh, hey. I hope you're not reading that fucking blog. How about I just don't act like a dick (too much), and you don't act like a bitch (too often), and we try to bang it out more often than we fight"
So i deleted my tumblr and started a vyou where i answer questions about getting wine-stains out of my crying-vest.
To my trick: Saturday mornings are when you'll get dressed and leave, preferably without asking for my number.
@ejcsanfran: tomyhos.tumblr.com is still available. Just saying.
To my interfaith paramour: We will make love twice on every holiday – except the jewy ones.
Oh my God, ToMyTrick is a Tumblr I would happily follow.
Soap! Who cares? As long as he doesn't drink my Scotch, I'm happy.