The Emergency Cigarette Plan
Choire: JESUS CHRIST AM I OUT OF CIGARETTES AGAIN
BALK: Fool
Choire: I DO THIS WRONG
BALK: Okay, here's the deal.
BALK: Take an empty pack of cigarettes and then keep it somewhere close but not directly visible. Every time you open a new pack of cigarettes, take one out and put it in the empty pack. If you ever get to twenty, start again, but until then you should always have emergency smokes.
Choire: …..
Choire: that sounds complicated???
BALK: It's incredibly simple.
BALK: I learned it from "Ranger Rick."
Choire: i can't remember things!
BALK: Sigh.
Choire: i used to hide cigarettes everywhere
BALK: Bad strategy. Go for just one place where you know you have them. The trick is just to make sure you keep adding with each new pack.
Choire: but.. but there's a finite… number… of…
BALK: Hahaha, okay, stick with your remarkably efficient "OH FUCK I NEED TO RUN TO THE STORE" plan.
Choire: but that's where the magic comes from!
BALK: Oh, right, I forgot about how sentimental and naive you are on this subject.
Choire: :(
Photo by Brett McBain, from Flickr.
Alternately, replace Cat with cat-shaped cigarette dispenser. Or with anything, really. I just hate cats.
Or they could train cat to run to the bodega and buy cigarettes.
I'm telling you, a dog would do that NO PROBLEM. A goddamn cat will stroll over there at his own pace and spend a good quarter of an hour browsing through fashion magazines HE HAS NO INTENTION OF PURCHASING.
You could train a centipede to do that but it would take forever for him to put his boots on.
That's how Ranger Rick told me to do it with tampons in my car!
But wait, I thought Choire was the math guy in this dynamic duo? I've been trusting his math posts for weeks!
Shhh!
That's not math, that's survivor skills. Which I also wouldn't list under "Balk: attributes."
No way in hell Choire smokes Marlboro brand.
Choire smokes Winstons and hippie cigarettes (see cranberry sauce, eating of). But he doesn't have any right now, so Balk's running a photo of his. See how that works!?!
if you smoked rolling tobacco instead of them evil pre-rolleds, you NEVER run out of cigs. you can always scrape one last smoke or three out of the bottom of the pouch.
I'm both intrigued and turned on by Alex’s obsessive planning and ritualistic quirks. I… wow. I need some time?
It's like he grew up in the Depression.
http://www.earbox.com/W-naive.html
Is that a Greek tax stamp on those Marlboros?
I have recently quit, so here is my new plan – because, see, sometimes even though I no longer smoke cigarettes, I still need a cigarette.
I really hate bumming smokes from strangers. And now, nobody in my office smokes anymore – everyone quit. Luckily, however, there is a bar directly across the street.
I go to the bar, order a drink. Then when I see someone else go out for a smoke, I wait until they are halfway finished. Then I go out, and say
"Hey man/chickadee/spacealien, I could really use a smoke. If you can hook me up, the next round is on me." It is important to buy their next round even if they say no; my behaviour here is abhorrent and gifting booze is the only proper make-right.
This gives me a reason to keep drinking, and eventually I wind up drunk, then I buy a pack.
When I wake up the next day, I'm embarassed to have cigarettes, as I have quit smoking, so now a friend has an extra half pack!
If you live in New York City, I would like us to be friends please.
Leon Saint-Jean has accepted your friend request.
Also, I'm sure this was on another thread…but commenter archives are working again! Yay!
A friend calls her deli for a single pack of cigarettes. I find that to be the NYC equivalent of driving a hummer to pick up a carton of milk.
I just 'liked' this like I've never 'liked' a comment.
I spent several months as an unemployed shut-in in NYC. Going to the bodega wasn't really an option since: a) I had developed agoraphobia and b) I had a broken toe. My solution was to invite "friends" (i.e. anyone I could contact by telephone – this was the '90s) over for a visit – then casually ask, "Oh would you mind picking me up a pack of smokes on your way?"
This comment reminds me so much of my own life. I'm going to go put on The Real Ramona and cry in my room.
cigarette savings plan
JESUS CHRIST I AM OUT OF POST IDEAS AGAIN
This might get me banned from The Awl, but here's my standard lecture: Cigarettes are the dumbest maintenance drug you can subject your frail, creaky body to – they will kill you and you won't even be getting high anymore. Stick with coke. And alcohol, of course.
Um, you forgot looking really cool.
Re: not getting you high
Have you ever had to pace nervously outside a hospital / meeting room / combat zone (guessing here?) / bathroom where some lady was taking a pregnancy test?
It may not be "high", but they sure can do something magical.
I agree with Balk, Choire. I do this too except I do it with pot and booze. Well, when I can remember to, that is. :)
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