Shove Over, Manic Pixie Girl! Psycho Danger Slut Is Here!

News finally comes to the east coast from the small port town of San Francisco. "Samantha," a local woman therein, has been infected with a strange new disease, it seems! Though she is just 19, she apparently has a case of the hybristophilia, and so she is on the cover of the weekly newspaper that the townsfolk enjoy. (The quaintest thing about the article? Even the main relationship that documents this woman's condition (with JonBenét Ramsey murder false-confessor John Mark Karr!) is only alleged. Why this lass could also be a fabulist as well!) That's only one of, say, several dozen weird things going on here. Here is part of a more synthetic take on the sudden bolt of limelight on this young creature: "The piece is so symphonically campy ('a young woman in black descends a winding staircase…her dark, wavy hair bounces atop her small frame'), it’s like Mia Farrow phone-ordering bathroom fixtures. Samantha is currently getting killed by commenters, most of whom are still missing the point: that this chick, while a nutter, is no crazier than every other hypertense sexual black hole 19-year-old selling stuff on Etsy and chain-smoking outside Matador. They’re just trying to get scummy hipsters to notice them, that’s all."