MC Hammer, "Better Run Run!"

It feels crazy and ridiculous to be typing the news that MC Hammer has a new song and video out dissing Jay-Z. Even though we got word that it was coming in September, after Jay made reference to Hammer's famous early-'90s bankruptcy on a verse from the Kanye West posse cut, "So Appalled." (This year had already been a big year for Hammer, what with a Rick Ross hit named after him and everything.) Hammer took to calling Jay "Hell Boy" on his Twitter account (a reference to the entertaining notion that the world's biggest rap star is in league with the occult—Hammer is an ordained minister) and vowed Halloween-time revenge.

Now that it's here, though, it's all even crazier and more ridiculous than I might have imagined.

The video begins in the corporate offices of Alchemist MMA Management firm in Denver, Colorado, where Hammer, the owner of the company, drops by to visit his team as they discuss a clothing line they're launching. (I guess? "MMA" stands for "Mixed Martial Arts," so this the clothes will be mixed martial arts wear?) The president of the company is looking at a computer and Hammer asks him if the screen is equipped with 3-D technology. It is apparently, and the president shows off the 3-D glasses he uses to look at it. One of the other executives is wearing wrap-around shades on the back of his head. Hammer is on the phone the whole time, and apparently gets one call alerting him to some serious news that he's going to have to handle. (The news that Jay-Z has mentioned him on record, we presume.) ONE MINUTE AND TWENTY SECONDS OF THIS PASSES BEFORE THE MUSIC STARTS.

When the music does finally start, we see a heavy-set Jay-Z (identifiable mostly by his trademark New York Yankees cap, pulled low on his brow) behind a campfire. Then Jay is running through the woods (I'm telling you, this the THE hot trend in rap videos!) being chased by a small trick-or-treater in a devil's costume.

Then there's some good dancers dancing in front of klieg lights. Then Hammer raps in a bespangled vintage Aerosmith t-shirt. Or maybe it's a Harley-Davidson t-shirt? Or, no, it's probably from the Alchemist clothing line. That would make more sense. Hammer says he can tell Jay-Z sold his soul to the devil.

Then Hammer dances with the dancers. Then he's wearing a white suit with a Nehru collar and sitting in front of the campfire. Then he trains for boxing (or, I suppose, mixed martial arts) with one of his executives.

Meanwhile, the devil keeps chasing Jay through the forest. This is deep American folk archetype stuff. Like Greil Marcus wrote about Sly and the Family Stone's "Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)" in Mystery Train. God, what an awesome song that is. Watch this amazing video from 1973:

Okay, back in the Hammer video, Hammer burns some of Jay-Z's Rocawear clothes in the campfire and accuses Jay of trying to steal his swag. (That part is really funny.) Then we see Hammer standing solemnly by a placid lake, treetops and clouds reflected in the glassy surface. The Jay-Z is sitting in the studio, writing lyrics. The devil comes up and sits next to him and nods his head. Jay-Z writes some lyrics in a notebook (also funny, because Jay-Z is very famous for never writing his lyrics down.) He writes, "Jesus can't save U!"

Then the devil chases Jay-Z past where Hammer is standing beside the lake. Jay runs by looking almost out of breath, and Hammer hold out his hand and STOPS the devil!

Then the song ends and Jay and Hammer are alone by the lake. It's dusk, and the sounds of the insects in the forest surround them. Hammer is talking to Jay, gesticulating forcefully, but Jay seems reluctant to listen. He's stubborn. So Hammer puts one hand on Jay's shoulder and the other on his chest and pushes him backwards into the lake. Jay falls into the water with a loud splash. Hammer has baptized him!

Crazy, right? And ridiculous!