Kelly Cutrone Still in Running for Hero of America
"There’s a lot of stuff I want to talk to young women about, but I don’t think I should go out with those first. One of the things was, a young girl said to me—this is kind of risque, so I don’t know if you guys wanna hear it—she was like, can I ask you a question? And I said, sure. I thought she was going to ask me, like what should I wear to my prom? But she asked me, how do you give a really good handjob? A, I’m like, no, and B, I said, well, where are you getting your information now? Like, more motherly. Well, on the Internet, she said. And I thought, why do we send our daughters to Brearley, then send them to Israel and Paris to learn about culture, and we send them to Vivid [Entertainment] to learn about sex?"
—REAL TALK with KELLY CUTRONE.
Can't they learn about sex WHILE they learn about culture?
Do you know that joke about the brothel near the UN?
The Polished Diplomat (at some point I really believed that I could do better than that).
I don't think Vivid teaches you to stick to handjobs.
I dunno, I almost never see hand jobs in porn. Maybe a little before the BJ but that is it. Am I watching the wrong kind?
I think you don't see it that much because of the immediate-satisfaction element of pron. A good hand job is all about the tease–the build-up–and porn is the opposite of that.
Listicle Without Commentary: The Ways In Which a Handjay is Unlike Pornography.
Handjob, handjay, or handy? Discuss.
Some porn sites even have a category devoted to handjobs!
@boy: Palmsex.
@general populous: if you are looking to me for assistance, I don't want to hear "handy" uttered, unless you are self-congratulating after installing new sconces in my studio.
@deepomega: I bet garge wishes she waited for you to finish your comment before she talked about handjob euphemisms she doesn't want to hear.
Your search for 'gruff tugjob' returned zero results. Try changing your search terms and submit again.
@zidaane: Gruff Tugjob is actually the name of the hero of my new action movie franchise. He's a gulf war veteran fighting drug dealers in his neighborhood, and his catch phrase is "I'll need a kleenex when I'm done with you."
I just cleaned my kitchen with Gruff Tugjob. It started innocently enough, when the oven repairman arrived.
muffgutjob
I'm only saying this to teach you how to use the Internet: when looking for handjobs, don't type "porn" into the search engine of your choice, just type "handjobs"!
hj
Enough with the handjobs! Let's talk placentas!!
"Yeah, Alex, I'm gonna go with, 'What are sentences never uttered by any human being ever?'"
as a recent father i can give you some real talk on placentas (including pics) if you're serious. we had it dried and turned into dietary supplements (i wish i was joking).
For all the times when you don't meet your RDA for… placenta… Makes sense!
you joke but that shit kept a baby alive for months, it's certainly got some nutritional value. i'm not gonna go super hippy-dippy up in here, but some people argue that the oxytocin in placentas helps with breast milk production and postpartum depression, plus that puppy is full of iron and ladies do tend to lose a bit of blood in the birthing process.
aren't you glad you brought it up?
@iantenna: how much did this cost? who took the supplements, and did it make his/her hair shiny? was it in the spirit of "use all the parts"?
is this online or backalley?
it was $250, my wife took the supplements but i didn't notice any change in sheen. it was done in the spirit and tradition of eating the placenta without the whole gross, actual cooking and eating of a human organ.
Hmm, maybe I could get in on that as a side-business. I could reserve a couple of trays in my food dehydrator for placenta, specifically.
Thanks for the info, and congrats on the little one!
Naw, I'm ok, I'm a big boy. But if I had access to one, I'd probably carry it around in a cooler and dare people to touch it.
@iantenna: you must've been at a pretty special hospital. We didn't get the option of keeping the placenta at Really Traditional Catholic Med. Center where my daughter was born. I think if I'd asked the nurses would've laughed in my face.
How to Give a Really Good Handjob, an Oral Guide
Oh, yeah, just like that. Just like that. Oh yeah, that's good. That's so good. Wait. Hold on. Wait, no, not like that. Wait. Stop. Stop! For just a second. Just. Stop. Look, it's more like this (moves hand up and down), not so much like this (claps palms together). Right. It's more like an up and down motion, see? Yeah, there, you got it. Yeah. Just like that. Oh yeah. That's good. Just. Whoa. Whoa! Ow! Stop! What's with the plucking? There's no plucking. Oh, that was definitely plucking. Just. Look, can you go back to the thing before the plucking. The up and down thing. Yeah, like that. That's it. That's right. Just like that. Yes. Yes. Yes. Wait! What the? Jesus, stop! There's no scratching! No scratching! Listen, this is very important: no plucking and no scratching. Please, don't improvise. It's not hard. No I mean to not improvise. Just the up and down thing, that's all. Up and down. Okay? Are you sure? Okay. There. Yes, up and down. Just like that. Up and down. Up and down. Yes. Yes. Up and down. Not twisting. No, up and down. Not twisting. Not. Do not. Do not twist. No twisting! That's twisting! You're twisting! Jesus! Okay, yeah, let's…you know what? I just wanna watch TV. No, no. It's… it's a good TV night. I'm totally fine. That was. Good try. A really good try. And I am so appreciative. Really. I'm appreciative. It was, you know. I guess I didn't know what you meant before. About being from Nebraska. But now I, you know, now I get it. Right. You said that. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he loved it. What was his name? Carl. Right. I think I'd like to meet Carl sometime. Crazy fucker. Nothing. I didn't say anything.
Honestly though, I do it so much better myself. Which is why when women ask me if I want one, I tell them that "I won't cheat on myself."
dude, come on. i just choked on my m&ms and all my coworkers were very concerned and asked what i was reading, and uhhh, nothing?
I choked on my martini. +1
Who gives handjobs in this day and age?
even sheltered alaskans are going for the good stuff
I wish people wouldn't fetishize sex so much.
Needs a #rhetorical. Otherwise, someone might be tempted to answer: because there is a long history, in this country and elsewhere, of turning to professionals for advice?
Handjobs are like snowflakes
Garfunkle & Oates have addressed this issue.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stEXPIh9Qi0