Two Men Named David Barton: How To Tell Them Apart
There are something like 300 million people in America. That's a lot, and so some of them are bound to have the same name. And when that happens, the only logical thing to do is to make a chart.
In this case, we present two David Bartons.
In one corner, David Barton, hailing from Aledo, Texas is an evangelical minister who has poked his head into the gay marriage debate, but is most renowned for his ongoing "scholarship," regarding which he insists that the founding fathers were much more religious than is commonly believed and that this whole separation of church and state thing is bogus.
In the other corner, David Barton, of New York City, a gym entrepreneur whose eponymous gyms are located in Seattle, Miami, Chicago and New York City. Barton is known for his terrifying bulk, changing hairstyles and marriage to 80s party queen Susanne Bartsch-but he is best known for his David Barton Gyms, each of which resembles a nightclub strangling a gym.
| Name | David Barton | David Barton |
|
Location |
Aledo, TX |
New York, NY |
|
Profession |
Evangelical Minister |
Gym owner |
|
Marketing Strategy |
Hater to the gays |
Cater to the gays |
|
But is troubled by their insistence on |
Wanting to marry, exist |
|
|
Wait, did that last New York Times item include the line, "Just how much sex occurs in gym locker rooms – and whether it's more prevalent today than in the past – is difficult to gauge"? |
No. |
Yes, but they could have said it was "hard to gauge." Let's move on. |
|
Physical appearance: |
An "unbelievably large fitness guru and all-around tattoo-and-hair-gel beast", who "has the beatific smile of a cat lapping cream" |
|
|
Wife |
Cheryl Barton
|
Susanne Bartsch
|
|
What wife is best known for: |
Nobody has ever heard of this lady. |
Hosting super-fab parties, preposterous toy drives. |
|
Disappointment to her is: |
Failing to live up to the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ |
When there isn't a beaded Armani gown to be found |
|
Redemption to her is: |
Found in the teachings of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ |
|
|
Relationship with husband: |
They probably talk about Jesus a lot, I'm guessing. |
|
|
Has a child named |
Damaris |
Bailey |
|
Political activity |
Vice Chairman of the Republican Party of Texas, from 1997-2006 |
Giving Robert Morgenthau a shirt, money to Carl Levin, Mary Landrieu |
|
Joins forces with: |
||
|
Advertising strategy |
Word of mouth, website, speaking tours |
|
|
A long plane flight can be used for: |
Reading a good Christian book |
Working the glutes |
|
He is ruining America via: |
It's a shame which one is in politics and which one is in, uh, gyms, because the one who's in gyms would be much more entertaining as a politician. And the politician looks like he could stand to work on his shoulders.
Like.
Huh. Now do one on the Choire Sicha's of the world.
This is nice.
Damaris? Isn't that the name of a blood pressure medication?
This still links back to photographing sylph-like naked hipsters, I'm sure of it.
I used to belong to David Barton's gym. It was like that episode of the Simpsons with the gay steel mill. That place is great. (Well, assuming you want to spend $200 a month to belong to a gay steel mill.)
If DBNY is "unbelievably large" why is Ivana towering over him?
His biceps are unbelievably large, in terms of height, he is rather short.
David Barton is still the only gym where I was served sushi by a 7 foot tall drag queen.