30. How to Laugh Like Whoopi Goldberg
29. How to Massage a Dog
28. How to Fart With Your Armpit
27. How to Wear a Toga
26. How to Dye Hair With Kool-aid
25. How to Draw a Cat's Nose
24. How to Light Farts on Fire
23. How to Build a Catapult With Popsicle Sticks
22. How to Buy a Zamboni
21. How to Dance the Cotton-Eyed Joe
20. How to Make Yourself Cry
19. How to Remove a Tick on the Scrotum
18. How to Make Toast
17. How to Kill a Vampire
16. How to Blow Your Nose in Public
15. How to Defecate Outdoors When Camping
14. How to Make a Jet Engine
13. How to Carve a Totem Pole
12. How to Speak to the Dead
11. How to Train Your Cat to Use a Toilet
10. How to Laugh at Yourself So the World Laughs With You
9. How to Urinate Outside Discreetly
8. How to Appear Intelligent Even When You're Not
7. How to Take a Nap at Work
6. How to Tell a Joke
5. How to Be Happy
4. How to Make Yourself Get Out of Bed in the Morning
3. How to Drink Bourbon
2. How to Love Someone
1. How to Breathe
Ned Frey (a k a MisterHippity) knows how to make a list.
The advice proffered by No. 4 seems to be lacking a certain existential something.
Yes, it's all about setting alarm clocks and such, but it appears to ignore the bigger "what's the point of it all?" question.
Needs more PowerPoint.
With builds! Maybe next time …
The advice proffered by No. 4 seems to be lacking certain existential arguments.
Oh goddammit, now I'm not going to want to get out of bed tomorrow morning.
I misread #4 and wound up having to buy insurance from Stephen Tobolowsky.
How to Have a Deja Vu
If any of half-a-dozen people had just read #2, I'd have #4 down pat. But as it is, I stay up all night thinking of them and, depending on circumstances, #9 or #17.
@Multiphasic: Never underestimate the power of #3. And potentially #21.
If you're the Hollies, all you need is the #1 and #2.
I personally believe laughing like Whoopi Goldberg is more important than breathing.
Yes, but you have to do the latter in order to do the former. So there's that.
The American Red Cross suggests inducing Whoopi Laughter in a choking victim.
Meanwhile the CDC reports that incidents of Whoopi Cough are on the rise.
I have a hard time understanding how it could ever be important for anyone to laugh like Whoopi Goldberg – with the possible exception of Whoopi Goldberg.
Oh, thank god(!), I am going to a mitzvah in a couple of weeks and I need to know how to dance the Cotton-Eyed Joe
I never realized there was a dance? I only know it from sporting events
The last bar mitzvah I attended, everyone synchronized into a line dance when that song came on, and I had to slink off to the sidelines like a shiksa.
Line dances are too conventional for me. I like to improvise (results in many kicked shins)
#14 is completely unnecessary if you can pull of #23 properly.
Half of these are completely unnecessary if you can pull off #3 properly.
The advice proffered by No. 3 is missing one crucial element: alone.
You have to wait 8 months for a brand-new hand-assembled Zamboni from the official facility.
Those Canadian Amish really take pride in making these things.
Don't really think it's right making the horses walk around on the ice like that.
Just so everybody knows, flushing cat crap down the toilet is terrible for the oceans. Water treatment plants don't filter out cat diseases, which doesn't really affect humans, but which are communicable to seals. So, don't do that?
@deep: Seals have those cute dog faces, too so it would be terrible irony to have them shat to death by a distant kitty.
DON'T LET CHOIRE HEAR THAT! He worked so hard to train Cat!
(I think the picture up there is from that training process.)
Sicha, Cat is KILLING. SEALS.
Not if he lives in a place that has a septic tank! Seals don't live in septic tanks.
Sure they do! From a website about septic tank construction: "Septic systems are plumbing systems. In this view, the concrete D-box has been placed where it belongs and the effluent lines are being pushed into the seals."
Poor, innocent seals.
I am trying to imagine what the odds are that an apartment in NYC has a septic tank. They're not good, and I'm not good at math, so I'm going to go explore #3 a bit.
they are the puppies of the ocean!
And as such are always chasing the chicken of the sea.
#15 is moot when you follow God's plan: swank hotels and no camping.
POOP BEVERLY HILLS
Poop Beverly Hills smells like Giorgio perfume!
Wrong. It smells like Cookie Time.
#19 is limited primarily by its relevance to only half the population.
A fine effort, though maybe it needed less cowbell.
You can never have enough cowbell!
What if you're a woman removing a tick from a man's scrotum? (That is a sign of true love, by the way.)
If you love a tick on your scrotum, set it free.
@hippity: they asked me how i knew my true love was true, oh i of course replied, she removed a tick from my scrotum. this actually happened to me recently, thanks sonoma county!
If I would only eat the hell out of some pills and close my eyes while holding a mirror at an angle, does that mean I do not have the capacity for true love?
A keeper, definitely.
The amount of scrotal ticks Ive had to remove in my lifetime is uncanny
The correct tool to correct #19: http://www.sz-wholesale.com/p/Giant-Matchstick-Lighter/Giant-Matchstick-Lighter-31677.html
GAAH!! Stay away from my scrotum!
@scrolly: Did you even read the instructions? No heat!
@Captain: There is no time for reading when balls are being dessicated by the tick menace. You'll thank me later, after the skin grafts heal.
I applaud your enthusiasm for testicle well-being. Now, change my bandages and re-apply that salve.
@Capt: May I help you apply that poultice as you promised?
I found this list surprisingly moving.
Here is a song about list items No. 1 and 2:
May I suggest a 1A?
"One of the easiest, most popular and profitable ways to generate an additional income stream* from your blog/s is to do some paid posting through paid blogging networks."
* "additional income stream" may be less than five cents per day
I LIKED THIS POST. IT'S BRILLIANT. IT'S BETTER THAN 'CATS'.
The "how to nap at work" advice is useless. If you already have an office door that is closeable, napping is easy as hell.
Teach me how to nap in a cubicle and not be noticed, and we'll be in business.
"Things You'll Need: A Place of Employment"
Nap in the bathroom, duh.
I work from home. I'm gonna take a nap right now!
How do you nap if you don't even have a cubicle? I think my coworkers would be able to see me, even if I tried to use my chair to block the space under the desk. (Damn mesh backed office chairs!)
Way too much of # 4 is related to "How to Go to Sleep at Night;" the only wakeup advice is to set two alarms. OK THANKS NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
Better advice: set THREE alarms. I'll send you an invoice.
This is why I ask everyone on Metafilter to call me at 8:45.
"carve a totem pole" is a euphemism, right?
Wow, you really bought the Zamboni on that one.
Some of the articles on that site must be read to be believed.
Here, for example, is an excerpt from "How to Cry on Command" (http://www.ehow.com/how_2087549_cry-command.html):
"Step 2: Forget the taboos that made you unable to cry."
If only I had known about this step when I took acting classes in college!
My brother had to do #19 once. I guided him in his endeavor–by phone call, thank you.
Dixie cup on a string fones don't count!
Where was no. 21 when I was in middle school?
You realize, of course, that if you ARE Whoopi Goldberg, numbers 4, 6, 8, 10, 20, 27, 28, and 30 become self-evident and require no instruction. I can't vouch for 5.
Great work Ned!
Here are some excerpts from #9, "How to Urinate Outside Discreetly":
"… the best places for men are phonebooths and against a wall. For a phonebooth, act like you are talking on the phone and aim the stream towards the curb. …
At concerts, for men, the density of the crowd can work to an advantage. If a guy can discreetly place an empty bottle at his fly, no one will notice that he is urinating into the bottle. Just make sure you have the cap, or, if an an outdoor festival, can put it on the grass and kick it over without splashing other patrons. …"
I'm thinking most New Yorkers could quickly jot down a "How to Urinate Outside Indiscreetly" list based on eyewitness experience.
I wonder it the "SCROTAL TICKS" tag will ever be used again?
Um, the definitive guide to toilet-training a cat is not an eHow. It was written by Charles Mingus.
Yes, that Charles Mingus. No, I am not kidding. GOOGLE IT.
What you are saying is true.
You must be logged-in to post a comment.
Register Now or Login To Your Account