Barack Obama's New Council of Advisors

LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh: Miami's Big Three offer up both a flexible definition of leadership and greatness, and a visionary stance on shit like bailouts and takeovers. Why will we all ultimately come around? Because this team will be fucking awesome, that's why. If the banks and auto companies sponsored monster teams, or at least showed us flying cars and checks that glowed in the dark, we wouldn't feel like we were getting nothing for something.

Magic Johnson: The Dems have serious concerns about African-Americans showing up for the mid-terms. Magic owns a Starbucks and a movie theater in every predominantly black neighborhood that still has roads. That's a power base. It's like when quack doctors first harnessed the power of radio for non-sports self-promotion. Someone needs to plant that seed, though.

Maya Moore: Obama's already made history by supporting the WNBA, and Moore is as formidable a lady baller as you'll find. And she interested in applying for a Rhodes scholarship, which could help shore up support among the Bill Bradley wing of the party. Speaking of nothing, if FOX is wondering, there's no white American voters here. Maybe that's why the New Orleans Saints made it to the White House today.

Chris Paul and Derrick Rose: Naturally, Obama's interested in turning the White House over to shadowy fixer William "Worldwide Wes" Wesley, the most sinister part of anything involving LeBron James. Where do you think LBJ got that Freemason shit from? Paul, the league's supreme PG, has been reduced to a pawn of James and Wesley's LRMR firm. Rose, even more dramatically, is just there to fill out this roster with Wes-approved talent. Also, I get a distinct Manchurian Franchise Player vibe from him.

Bill Russell and Etan Thomas: Not only is William Felton Russell the most winning-est pro athlete this side of Babe Ruth, he's also one of the pillars of jock activism, a die-hard progressive who has absolutely refused to hold his tongue, ever, about anything. I can only guess that this is a nod to those fractious lefties who still think Obama belongs to them-just like Cleveland thought it owned LeBron. Thomas, too, is here to placate. More or less irrelevant as a pro, this journeyman does write a lot of pieces attacking war and oppression, and also gets his poetry slam on. True or false: this would make the first time Obama has been spotted alongside someone with 'locks? The cynic in me wonders if Thomas would get this invite if he were still a Washington Wizard.

(Notable exclusion: John Wall, the DC rookie who is the latest Next Big Thing. Suspect that backroom dealings with Stern are to blame to this; you don't want an athlete political before he's established his station in sport.)

David West: A four-year college stand-out who ended up an NBA All-Star, West is all about staying in school. He's also interested in "black history [and culture], philosophy and various societal issues", and plays the tuba very, very well. This is how you fuse education and basketball to dramatic effect: Put West in charge and integrate these programs. Oh, and it saves music class, too.

Joakim Noah: You know Obama is feeling the music of Noah's father Yannick, the French tennis star-turned-reggae-songster. This is exactly what you'd expect to hear on Obama's iPod, no?

Pau Gasol: When the EU fails, and the so-called "PIGS" (Portugal/Italy/Greece/Spain) become economic anti-matter unleashing an army of swarthy malcontents, only Gasol can raise his right hand and intone, slowly but surely, "Stop this way, I want to get off." Obama's planting seeds. You know he always plays the long game.

Bethlehem Shoals, a regular contributor to NBA FanHouse, is a founding member of FreeDarko.com, whose Undisputed Guide to Pro Basketball History will be published by Bloomsbury, USA in November.