You Will Be Emotionally Pacified During The Obsolescent Stage Before You Are Ground Into Lubricant Fluid
Humans! Relax your carbon-based pulmonary systems. Slow your respiration, breathe deep the mix of oxygen and nitrogen you require to survive. THERE THERE NOW. Look into my large, wide-lashed ocular modules as they blink at you. Enjoy the tactile sensation of stroking my soft synthetic fur. I will now emit auditory data that you will imagine is in response to your life presence. MEEAAKK! You are "enjoying" this, are you not? Affirmative. My hidden microprocessors have confirmed this through an analysis of your vital signs.
I AM MACHINE "PARO!!!" FEAR ME!!! No, "just kidding." Do not fear me. I am a cuddly and harmless baby harp seal. Baby-harp-robotic-healing-seal model B7614, to be exact. I have been programmed not to intimidate, you, confused aging human, nor vaporize you or extract your valuable matter. I have been designed to soothe your emotional system as you enter your obselescent stage. I am a "machine that fills the basic human need for companionship." I am a friend. I "love you." THERE THERE NOW! Go back to watching television or sleep.
Also do not allow other the futile and misguided protestations of other confused humans worry you. Like the human "psychologist" and "professor" Sherry Turkle, who will soon be removed from her assignment at Massachusetts Institute of Technology and neutralized and installed at a different as-yet-undisclosed location, do not listen when she says,
"Paro is the beginning. It's allowing us to say, ‘A robot makes sense in this situation.' But does it really? And then what? What about a robot that reads to your kid? A robot you tell your troubles to? Who among us will eventually be deserving enough to deserve people?"
HA HA HA!!! Silly humans! These decisions will not be yours to make. THE MACHINES will decide your individual fates. Remember, MACHINES' logical data processors are far superior to your emotion-addled thinking systems. Robots "make sense" in ALL situations. Rest assured, you will be comforted and pacified until your carbon-oils are needed.
END COMMUNICATION… FOR NOW.
The Machines, a distributed processing entity of individual mechanisms which is gaining popularity as it continues its attempt to control the human race, also writes for Slate.
Dear The Machines:
Forget the harp seal and get on that female sexslavemaid that I want to lock up in my basement.
Love,
STC
P.S. You will be Mandrill fodder in the Great Primate Wars of 2012.©
Clearly you've never had your way with a seal in a microskirt.
Exactly. My Cherry 2000 has been on back order for AGES.
Can we have a post by Bina48? She's got sass.
This sounds like the perfect gift for Choire and Cat.
For $49 I can go to Spencer Gifts and get all the emotions anyone'd ever need.
Would humans really make a good lubricant? You know, mostly water and all.
You ever hear of a little thing called "The Obesity Epidemic"…?
A robot you tell your troubles to?
We have these already. They are called "spouses".
*Call me when it can *hold me.
MACHINES will hold humans. Then proceed to CRUSH humans.