Why I Stalk A Sexy Italian Jew On Google, And Why You Should Too (Hint: It's Because He's Super Super Sexy)

It all started one day when Choire Sicha pointed out how few Jewish Italian bloggers have people looking for their Google alerts. I realized most of my Google alerts are set for people who aren't me: non-Jewish Italian bloggers. So I picked out my new target and started to pay attention.

He's an atheist, and he loves blowjobs. He seems to have some issues with alcohol, but he keeps drinking. He's very proud of his remarkably talented penis (which apparently has a sideline as a respected writer). He seems stunningly handsome in the rare photos that pop up, although it's hard to tell because he's always covering his eyes. His home is New York and he's finding the process of walking up subway steps totally frustrating because he's not in the greatest shape. He spends an embarrassing amount of time writing about a place called Knifecrime Island.

Sometimes I find his lack of faith charming; other times it is frustratingly repetitive. "This fucking day!" can be followed by "If there were a God I would stop believing him because of this fucking day!" All that can be followed by hysterical, professionally-crafted scenarios portraying a beloved author as being a "squirter" in bed. I try not to extrapolate about his culture from just one person's Google alerts, but that's also sort of exactly what makes following a random person so interesting. Are Jewish Italian bloggers more open about their deep appreciation for blowjobs and their gigantic, incredibly skillful cocks? Old people? Northern people? I've just got this single data point, but it's more than I had before.

One of the best things about Google alerts is how, once you've populated it with friends genuine or aspirational, it feels like a slow-burn house party you can pop into whenever you like. Yet even though adding a random person to your alert list is just a one-click action, most of us prune very judiciously to prevent tedious or random bulletins to pollute our inbox. Understandable! But don't discount the joy of discovery that can come by weaving an amazingly complex, intelligent, dare I say heroic blogging megastar's life into your own. You can start simply, like I did, by finding someone handsome and brilliant like I did. Of course, once you do that there's only one way to go, and that's down. That's right, after you take a Google alert out on "Alex Balk," you will go down. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.