The 'Twilight' Movies End in Horror
If you haven't read the Twilight books (or, like me, read the plot summaries on Wikipedia), then you may not know how the shiny vampire series ends. So I won't "spoil" it in the interests of bringing you this insane and terrifying quote from the screenwriter. But now that I've given you the chance to look away…
It ends in a horrifyingly graphic vampire childbirth scene that ends up breaking protagonist Bella's spine as she births a vampire baby that tears itself out of her womb. Hot Topic merchandising anyone? And according to an interview earlier this week with Melissa Rosenberg, screenwriter of the Twilight franchise, the end of the series on the big screen will remain faithful:
The childbirth – all the scenes, I feel – should be on screen. I think perhaps what I was referring to was, would we actually see Edward's teeth through the placenta? I don't think so. I don't think we need to see that, and if someone needs to see that, I think they should take a look at that. [Laughs.] I believe it will be implied, but I don't think we'll see teeth in the placenta.
I feel like explaining anymore of the context to this would only kind of ruin the sublime WTF-ery of the above quote. If you'd like to find out more about Twilight's plans for wrapping up the movies, Popsugar has the rest.
Of course the scenes have to be faithful. How else could young girls symbolically learn to be terrified by and disgusted with sex?
Bella Swan = Jenny from 'Forrest Gump'.
I am also puzzled by the message this series conveys to it probably-tween-girl audience. Sex is a dangerous thing that could kill you if your monster/lover (the male) doesn't control his instincts?
However, on reflection, as the series is also strangely popular with mothers, too, maybe the 'vampire baby who breaks your back and turns you into the living dead' is a not-too-subtle metaphor.
HMMMM??
Also, now after reading the Wikipedia synopsis…
Werewolf best friend of mother is present for birth and realizes newborn is his *soulmate*?? UHHHHH….WHA'?
Yes! The sexy werewolf falls in sexy love with the NEWBORN BABY, which rapidly (four months?) grows up to be physically 16 years old and will stay that way forever. "Creepy" doesn't even begin to describe this book's themes.
That awful child plot is like a mixture between Rosemary's Baby, Pearl from the Scarlet Letter and Gigi.
Don't forget the 1976 Rock Hudson vehicle 'Embryo'!
Ooh I haven't seen that! Netflix here I come….
So any post that includes the words "placenta, teeth, vampires and womb" is probably not a post I want to read over breakfast.
In J-school, they taught me the "cereal test": will the content of your front page cause readers to spew froot loops all over their spouses at the breakfast table?
Of course, pretty much anything to do with this medieval clusterfuck of a franchise fails the cereal test.
I assume you're not eating eggs.
"at the breakfast table"-? Try in their car, while texting the story to a friend 'From My iPhone', with greasy McDonald's and a hot coffee, all over their lap.
Wait, making people spit out their cereal is failing the test?
Does Bella have to eat some sort of contract, only to have to leave room for Arnold Schwarzenegger's fist because he's going to ram it down her stomach?
Because that's the only pop-culture reference I can think of involving "breaking your goddamn spine".
This is that New Yorker story about regretting having children all over again!
I can see the promotional merchandise at Burger King now:
Buy a whopper meal, get a free vampire placenta!
One would think that boinking the undead would render birth control unnecessary, but, hey, whatever…
This is why I don't sleep with actors.
This is why I only sleep with 'em.
Poppy Z. Brite is okay with this?
What's all this about anyway?
When the final book came out, many people tried to return the book to the store after reading, it was so awful. It was hilarious. They name the kid Renesme (his 'mother' is Esme, hers Renee). If they keep the movies true to the books, it will be awesome (I am not a twihard, I just like reading YA novels) and terrible. I still miss Edward's pompadour; its not what it was the in first movie. It looked like Anne Shirley's hair in the Green Gables sequels.
sequel, not 'sequels.' I have decided that the third movie doesn't exist.
It was a Squeakquel.
God bless you both.
Thanks, adminslave, for the gift of imagining Robert Pattinson in a brown dress with big puffed sleeves saying "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." Just made my day.
So this is what happens if you wait until you get married for sex?