Real America: America's Most Violent, Patriotic Fireworks Ever
The USO is urging Americans: "This Fourth of July, as we remember all those who fought for our independence, let's make sure the brave men and women who are defending our country today know how much their sacrifice means to us." The organization wants you to honor the troops this Independence Day so bad they are even spending your tax dollars to buy Google Ads against searches for "4th of July." And what better way is there to celebrate the rigors and risks of a life spent actually risking life in combat than to recreate PTSD in your own backyard for your children?
Currently, all throughout the Midwest, any already-half-lit-up dude can pull his Escalade EXT and boat into a tent on the side of the highway and buy an unlimited amount of explosives. And for God's sake buy them; homemade fireworks will do exactly what you expect homemade fireworks to do.
I dropped by a fireworks tent on Highway 151 in Wisconsin to give you an idea of just how you can support those troops fighting terrorist explosives by igniting explosives.
Air Tactics! This is the preferred Independence Day firework of AmericanAirPowerMuseum.com.
"Bad Ass" is the only firework that, through its logo, marries the 80s-obsessed "ironic" hipster Americans with "Fuck Yeah" blow-it-up American dudes.
Guys spending a "desert night" laughing about "blue steel?" Now that's meta-enabling.
Light it and get the real ending to Lost.
Awesome. But the package designer maybe doesn't understand "multi"?
I suspect the summer-break fireworks sales kid is making a tremendous point about global politics with this product layout. He should probably get an Awl column.
Next: Also there are fireworks about bears???
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There was still a week to go until the 4th and already, some local kid blew his hand to smithereens, trying to juice up his powder-keg. You can practically count on a story like this happening, every year now!
Missouri is so completely cowboy with the fireworks laws, too- this time of year the warehouses kick into high gear, advertising on television, "everyone come stock up so we can all blow our neighborhoods built entirely of wood-framed-and-sided homes to hell!"
I'm planning on spending all weekend standing on my roof with a hose.
Sparklers!! Jesus, why do people do shit like this?! Can't people just sit on the porch and drink without exploding shit? Why do people need to create a stronger sparkler thingy?
Loved this.
An addition: I am just shocked at how militaristic and MAD our 4th of July fireworks have become. Didn't fireworks used to communicate fun and happiness and a good time? Now it's all about war and anger and copyright violation.
Wait, you're not about to put over some 90's nostalgia, are you? (But yes, I think you are correct on the merits.)
I keep seeing this insane, bipolar, steroidal packaging and thinking to myself, "somewhere in the last 20 years, we seem to have forgotten that the WWF/WWE/etc was, at the end of the day, just a cartoonish joke.
Fireworks were pretty much about war and anger in the 19th century, so we're just returning to our roots!
You are thinking that an explosive device is unnecessarily violent?
NWO FOR LIFE!!!
UWF FOR LIFE!!! (TAPED LIVE IN AN AIRCRAFT HANGAR IN TULSA, OK., BABY)
The national anthem is a poem about killing people sung to the tune of an old drinking song. Don't blow your hippie wad now or next year you won't be able to bitch about the new stanza in the Star Spangled Banner about killin' hajis that don't stop at checkpoints.
I am getting a tattoo that reads, "WARNING: SHOOTS FLAMING BALLS!!"
At least one guy has probably beat you to it, though.
And honestly, too.
Directions: "Pour gasoline on your balls. Light them. Then light fuse and aim AMERICAN *VERY SPECIAL* ARTILLERY SHELLS at flaming balls. You won't believe the fun!"
Would this be just south of lovely Beaver Dam, btw?
Ha. It just might be!
You must be making the drive to Fond du Lac to get your oxy.
This firework had a permanent spot on top of my refrigerator for several years. The 12-year-old in me still snickers at the memory.
The World War II-themed ones are made by a company called "Shogun". Our Greatest Generation weeps! Although they're all probably made in China (you can see the label on at least one of them), who were our faithful ally against the Japanese, and who invented the stuff anyway.
I had no idea until relatively recently that indian reservations represented anything more than cheap places to buy illegal fireworks and out-of-season salmon.
I love love love the stolen box art from Far Cry that they used on Jungle Combat. Great work, guys!
I don't know what's more dangerous- the ordnance or the Photoshop!
(MK12 Trivia just for you, Deep: Jed is an experienced pyrotechnicist and makes killer fireworks- I've seen him set some off at a couple of 4th parties- they're fucking awesome.)
YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME GET OVER MY MANCRUSH
Fireworks stands are apparently better equipped than most US Marines.
Excuse please I am not good at htmlthings BUT I WANTED TO PILE ON IN THE WORST WAY AND TWTTR IS OVRCPCTY SO I WILL THIS: http://mrwrong.tumblr.com/post/762061243/todays-hey-awl-this-ones-still-for-sale-at
aw hell yeah that cheese-eating John Kerry is fuckin toast
Oh, wow.
Ugh. You've just reminded me that I will be in Pennsylvania tomorrow so my friends can make purchases. I'm not a fan of fireworks. They're best when extremely expensive and over the East (not Hudson) River. Anything bought at a retail level is crass mimicry and accomplishes nothing other than harshing my mellow.
EXCEPTION: Sparklers are delightful.
those little growing-pagoda things are neato, too!
What about snakes?
My balls were shooting flames, then I took some antibiotics.
did you know that the Pyrotechnics Guild Convention is in Wisconsin this year
http://www.pgi.org/2010conv.aspx
I was thinking of going to the one in Iowa last year until I remembered I can't drive and Iowa doesn't have a subway.
i think maybe the one sensible law arizona has (and we probably only have just this one; the rest of our laws are racist nonsense thanks to our lovely unelected governor…) is that fireworks are illegal. cities can put on fireworks shows with special permits, but individuals cannot buy or sell fireworks, not even sparklers.
not that everyone doesn't just go to mexico or new mexico and bring a bunch in illegally…
I wish fireworks weren't now illegal here. I've kind of always wanted to see someone blow their hand doing some stupid-ass shit with fire crackers.