Those of us who were moviegoers in 1987 have a very soft spot in our heart for Predator, the magnificent dual-governor-to-be casted scifi-horror-monster flick. Today, two Predator fans take a look at the sequel, the imaginatively titled Predators. First up, horror connoisseur Melissa Lafsky.
There's a danger inherent in getting too close to something you love. In the background lurks a brutal threat, where the joy can be vacuumed from the object of your affection, and the empty space filled with a boiling cynical goo. Think figure skating-get too involved in the sport, and the unfiltered awe of grace and human artistry can erode away, till you're left with nothing but the thought that 14-year-old Svetlana Smirnovleninskaya's misplaced toepick will mean an automatic .0001 point deduction, which will no doubt be ramped up to .001 by the Estonian judge with the pulsating chin mole and E-cup breasts.
For film reviewers, these cynical blips perch on the sidelines, waiting for a slit to open in the fabric of your movie enjoyment so they can slide in, banish the joy, and take over your inner dialogue. The second you're sucked out of the Blissful Movie Universe by some bit of crappy writing or sloppy editing, it's all over. The next 90 minutes will be lost to a series of raptorial thoughts that consume your mind, and leave you a crusty shell of a horror fan.
Like so:
"Ok, so ‘Predators.' Here we go. Please Christ let this be even a fraction as good as the original. Hold on, wait, so your big opener is Wladyslaw Szpilman falling from the sky? Ah yes, since 5 minutes of parachuting is a perfect replacement for actual dialogue. Instant Oscar nod for Adrien Brody's trainer. Shit. This is bad already. So, so bad. What's the total run-time? Jesus, I'm in for another 106 minutes of this? If there are bedbugs in this theater, I'm suing for worker's comp. Oh look, and apparently Topher Grace is now a permanent staple on the B-movie casting roster. Is shooting Danny Trejo in the back what passes for character development? This fecund crap can't have been done by Robert Rodriguez, unless he's started freebasing meth off Rose McGowan's ass. Oh wait, it's not Rodriguez, he just produced. ‘Directed by Nimród Antal,' whoever the fuck that is. Check production notes: Past films include such gems as ‘Vacancy' and ‘Armored.' Aaand after this shitshow Rodriguez will never take another of his calls. Jesus, 30 full minutes before we even SEE a Predator? Can we perhaps pretend to have a plot that makes any semblance of sequential sense? And what production scout thought this Detroit cul-de-sac looked like a jungle? That intergalactic death-ray just emerged from a monocultural topiary. I wonder if this'll even break $20 mil opening weekend. Might need more than 2,700 screens. Gun-point ticket sales, the latest Hollywood trend? Here witness the fall of Adrien Brody – from ‘Splice' to this. His dramatic transformation from emasculated scientist to special-ops badass appears to consist of gaining 20 pounds of muscle and delivering every line through a mouthful of saliva. Oh TELL me some L.A. script doctor didn't actually think ‘I'm gonna rape me some fine bitches' would be the tagline replacement for ‘I ain't got time to bleed.' Please please tell me that, so I can sleep tonight without clawing my face over the fact that some asshole is paying for his Malibu home renovations with the studio check from this irredeemable clownshow. Oh look! The Danse Macabre of Laurence Fishburne's career! From ashes to nonsensical creature films, dust to dust. People are laughing. And sighing audibly. The dude next to me is sexting some underage co-ed. Apparently she's got a ‘tasty vag.' How dare they do this to us. We who adored and fetishized the original! We who still bookend every conversation about Big Arnold with a mention of ‘GET TO DA CHOPPER!!!' Come on, Nimród, can't you even pretend to care?? Don't you know that ‘Predator' was more than just an ‘elevated B-movie'??? That it was a CREATURE FILM CLASSIC!? That you have a RESPONSIBILITY when ‘rebooting' the whole franchise to not REDUCE it to the rampant suckery of ‘Alien v. Predator'!?! Don't you people GET IT?!?! Don't you even CARE!?!?! NO!?!?! THEN FUCK YOU, NIMRÓD, WITH YOUR STRAIGHT-TO-DVD RESUMÉ AND YOUR FUCKING ACCENT AIGU!! FUCK YOU, RODRIGUEZ, WHO COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO WATCH THE DAILIES IN BETWEEN BANGING WANNABE STARLETS AND KISSING DENIRO'S ASS SO HE'LL DO A CAMEO IN ‘MACHETE'!!! FUCK YOU McTIERNAN, FOR MAKING THE ORIGINAL SO GOOD THAT NOW WE CAN ONLY STARE IN THE FACE OF ALL THAT WE LACK!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! CANNOT BREATHE!!! AM DROWNING IN THE VISCOUS SLIME OF HORROR MEDIOCRITY!!! WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"
And then come the credits. Think it's too late to catch the midnight screening of ‘Twilight?'"
Melissa Lafsky is still pissed off.
The only Nimród Antal movie i've seen is Kontroll, which I liked.
The problem with Predator is that it is so good it surpasses genre film and none of the sequels can ever hope to do that, so.
You can accent your ague all you want, I'm still calling you NimROD.
Also, lose the "t" in your last name. Flows better.
The greatest thing about having young kids is that you miss all this crap. In the past 3 weeks I've seen How to Train Your Dragon, Toy Story 3 and Despicable Me, masterpieces all.
Possibly the worst thing about having young kids is they grow up and want to see this crap.
Not to be pedantic, but I'm quite sure it's "Get to zaa choppah!"
Your mistake is writing that with spaces in between the letters. Arnold doesn't do separated phonemes.
The problem with this film is the problem that plagues all of these re-imaginings: Dark, dour, "Goth"-level seriousness and (most importantly) THEY ALWAYS SUCK THE HUMOR OUT OF THE CONCEPT!
Seriously, take any remade film in the past decade and it's all the same: Darker, dirtier and humorless. Even the "A-Team" was like that. Geez, louise. Bring the dark humor back to this stuff.
Also, who is the genius who thinks it's a good idea to bring humans to another planet as a fear motivator? You know what was great in the original? The U.S. had soldiers in South America in the 1980s, so mixing in the idea that some alien predator is landing in the middle of this to "mix things" up makes sense. Who are these weird South American soldiers fighting Americans? And who is the weird alien in the middle of it all? Is the alien analogous to prejudicial fears Americans have towards rebels? Makes you think! And just enough to make it palatable.
So now it's all based on what primal premise? That if you are a trained mercenary, LOOK OUT! You never know when crazy aliens will take you to their jungle planet to pull some hunting games on you. Horsefeathers!
You want to make a good Predator film for the 2000s? Set it in Pakistan, Afghanistan or anywhere where there is a real conflict happening.
Sad state of arts when even our revenge fantasy films can't even tap into the well of modern fears. Pathetic!
While I disagree I think this is a better review and more substantive criticism than the OP.
I should clarify: I disagree with your overall evaluation of the mnovie (which I enjoyed) I do not disagree with any of your arguments.
For some reason (I'm not ready to discuss it), this post inspired me to research Kevin Peter Hall, the actor who played the Predator. Did you know he also played Harry in Harry and the Henderson's and was briefly married to Olivia from Sesame Street? They met on 227! What a life.
This is the greatest comment ever posted on this web site, maybe any web site, and I am not even kidding for a second.
Hall was a MONSTER ACTOR. sadly, he died of AIDS at age 35 from a tainted blood transfusion. Sometimes, those that burn so brightly, burn all too briefly :-(
Did you know Jean Claude Van Dame was the original Predator... but quit after 2 days. Or did I just blow your mind?
@Abe Sauer: WHAT? Why? Who would ever give up such an amazing role?
He probably showed up and was like: "...what, you want me to wear the mask the WHOLE MOVIE..."
@walton: Actually That was EXACTLY what happened.
http://www.movie-moron.com/?p=12829
Harry and the Hendersons is the first movie I remember seeing in theaters. So theoretically my parents could have been stupid enough to take me to see the same guy play the Predator within a week or two.
Ok. I understand most modern horror licks donkey balls, blows goats, is complete und udder cow pie, etc..
But I would dearly like a listicle from Ms. H. Chick, as to what would be a decent round of gut wrenchingly, midnight teeth grindingly, sleep with the light on for the next two weeksly movies.
Mini off-top-of-head List:
House of the Devil
Martyrs
Paranormal Activity (you'll sleep with a light on for at least 1 night)
Coraline
The Hitcher (the original)
A Serbian Film (don't see it - just know that it's scary)
Excellent. You know I'm going to run out and get the last one. Just cause you said so.
Is this open to the proverbial peanut gallery? Because I am a sucker for good horror movies and have some thoughts too!
@ Melissa: I'm glad you saw & liked 'Martyrs'. A couple of the people I've recommended it to were mildly traumatized by the experience.
Nut away!
Also: Event Horizon. Only movie that creeped me out as an adult. Still creeps me out.
This may perhaps out me as a candyass, but seeing 28 Days Later a couple of weeks after moving into the suburbs resulted in at least 1.5 sleepless nights and constant peeking through the venetian blinds. Apocalypses and/or "BodySnatchers" are my Kryptonite.
Per Mr.99, "Event Horizon" is also an intense fearmaker.
I just saw Paranormal Activity and didn't think it was that scary. Also, do they not have priests in San Diego? If something pulled me out of my bed and dragged me down the hall my lutheran ass would be at the catholic church buying indulgences and having myself baptized and purchasing multiple elementary school educations just so that a priest would "clean" my house and exorcise me ASAP.
Would you pretty please explain the last? This is what someone on netflix says..."This is hands down the most disturbing movies I have ever seen. I'm a huge horror fan, but this most definitely crossed a line." Now I am scared to google...
I should also recommend the American remake of "The Ring". Certainly, so much of the movie has seeped into the cultual consciousness through parodies and blah blah blah, but it's still damn effective. The American remake also excises most of the Japanese original's silly backstory, which is definitely a plus.
@Horror Chick: glad to know I'm not the only one freaked out by Coraline! My 7-year-old watched it without batting an eyelash. Must be the whole mommy thing.
"The Andromeda Strain" still freaks me out, especially the scene where the pilot's mask starts to disintegrate to the sound of bleeps and blorps.
Recent great horror:
Session 9
The Mothman Prophecies
The Grudge (the US remake was actually pretty good)
Must-see modern horror, where "modern" = "in the past 10 years".
Audition. Don't even watch the DVD titles, if you can avoid it. Just go straight in.
The Descent. Not perfect, but when it's effective, it's effective.
Pulse (the 2001 Japanese one, not the American pseudo-remake). It doesn't explain anything, and it goes totally off the rails at the end (in a good way!), but it's a total creeper. I never sleep with the lights on, and I slept with the lights on.
Crap, that was a reply @Mindpowered. Sniff.
Oh Fuck, the original "Pulse" looks good.
The Descent is awesome.
There is a negative review for Predators from an informed critic who knows what they're talking about and has moderate, even middling standards. This is not it.