On Discovering That the Kids Have Drunk Nearly All the Scotch
Good Lord.
The kids have drunk all the Scotch!
Or was it us, and I just didn't realize?
… I don't even know anybody who drinks Scotch.
Except the kids, apparently!
It had just been sitting there for ages, nearly full, and now there is only this little splash in the bottom!
They would have done far better to finish it off, and throw the empty bottle out in the recycling; I should never have been the wiser.
But as matters stand!
And just look at all that bourbon, almost a full bottle?
It seems to me that we were a lot better at covering our tracks, at their age.
Oh come on, nothing on God's green earth earth could be stupider than I was, at their age; really it is a miracle we survived at all; doubly miraculous, that anyone ever emerged alive from Bruce's station wagon.
One way and another.
I'm going to have to say something.
But what?!
Does this explain why they stay in bed until mid-afternoon, if you don't force them out with a cattle prod?
Or why the one is forever banging out Chopin on the piano, so late at night?
And so beautifully.
This is what comes of not having a locked liquor cabinet.
There would be no way to hide the key from them, is the thing. They know everything.
Cormac McCarthy mentions this, he says, they just are like wolves:
[T]ryin' to get the best of a wolf is like tryin' to get the best of a kid. It ain't that they're smarter. It's just that they ain't got all that much else to think about.
I will ask: have you guys been drinking Scotch? It is very strong, you know.
You mustn't let anyone drive who has had Scotch!
It is very very noticeable on the breath; stow such a person on the nearest sofa; I have mentioned before that you should offer wine rather than spirits, if you are having guests.
It is much easier on the head, the next day.
And have it with food, for God's sake.
There isn't much gin left, either.
But that is attributable to us.
Maria Bustillos is the author of Dorkismo: The Macho of the Dork and Act Like a Gentleman, Think Like a Woman.
Photo by chad magiera from Flickr.
If I have kids who drink my scotch, I will sell them to the gypsies IMMEDIATELY. Scotch is expensive enough without kids getting into it!
I want you to quit stealing my vodka!
I know what you're doing, Maria.
Yeah, I dranked it.
..would it kill them to "replace" it with some tea? You can buy it in a bottle nowadays, you know.
See, I never got in trouble for stealing liquor, only for watering it down to hide that I had stolen some. Mainly because it would be embarrassing to serve weak drinks. So be grateful the kids are smart enough to not embarrass you in front of your friends.
Oh, I think that a lot of parents would find it endearing, after all it's the thought that counts. …and if it isn't scotch in there, believe me, I will know. As far as the friends/guests? Screw them, if they can't take a joke! I'll ICE the whole lot of them.
Stern but fair.
The idea is that if a bottle just disappears, parents will notice, but they don't really know how much of the bottle they've used up. This is not true? (Shit!)
But I just used up the bourbon. Which was technically a "birthday present." For not-me. Er.
Honestly, I worry more when the kids get into the coffee. It's a sign that they are too ambitious.
First they pretty much emptied the blow cabinet then the Country Squire's all covered in derivatives next thing you know there's record unemployment.
I guess they may not be all right after all.
Yeah but what are we talking about here when we're talking about 'Scotch'? If they are just recreating Goodfellas scenes with a bottle of Cutty I think you should be more concerned with the gunplay.
Was thinking more Anchorman here.
And just look at all that bourbon, almost a full bottle?
Tags: #HAHA, #NOTATMYHOUSE
And so beautifully.
Best line! Oh, and the missing gin was also attributable to me.
i would posit that you are simply not stocking the right kind of scotch. i stole scotch from my father exactly once because a seriously peaty scotch tastes disgusting to the palate of a 13 year old. his preferred brand of smoke, camel straight, had a similar effect.
his weed stash, of course, had no such chance.
Maria's a mom?
the machines never raid my liquor cabinet. nor do the monkies now that i think about it.
This obsession with Mad Men is getting out of hand, kids.
I'm not going to replace half a bottle of Old Crow with a full bottle of Jim Beam. I'm not an idiot.
I do have one quibble: in my experience, scotch is much better for the head than wine, so long as you don't mix in a bunch of other spirits.
It all depends on the quality of each. Neither good Scotch nor good wine should lead to hangovers.
This was a freaking riot.
HAVEN'T THESE KIDS FIGURED OUT THE DILUTED SCOTCH SCAM??
I always thought my dad knew for sure that I was stealing his hooch… Turns out he had no idea until I brought it back up 10 years later. Assumptions.
I'd honestly be more worried if they were doing something STUPID, like mixing it with Red Bull or cranberry juice.
It's hard to open a liquor cabinet with broken knuckles, Maria.
Oh but that sounds so exhausting.
Geez, you don't just water it down you guys. You have to buy a store brand bottle of artificial scotch flavoring (or rum flavoring for replacing rum) and pour all of that in there, too.
It has to be store brand artificial flavoring because the name brand will taste too sweet and fakey while the store brand is pretty much alcohol with brown coloring in it.
Hmm.. I could swear I had a bottle of Blackberry Brandy up in here.
That Snooki came over;
She was out of her mind.
I would just decant the top half inch of every bottle into one old ginger ale bottle. Bourbon, vermouth, gin, tequila, vodka, scotch, all of it. But goddamn I could drink like a lighthouse keeper back then!
This also could have been a stellar entry for the Poetry Section.
so tro!
tro tro tro
Or why the one is forever banging out Chopin on the piano, so late at night?
And so beautifully.
YES! (I wuz there, as James Murphy would say)