Actual Names of Actual People Who Plan to Attend the Dorrian's 50th Anniversary Festivities

So many androgynous preppy names! I could stare at these for days!

Thanks for the list of my future aliases.

I would like an update telling us how many people in the room turn around when someone yells, "Thumper!"

My google can't translate this post.

These aren't porn star names?

I don't think anyone should use numerals less than X. If it doesn't date your great-great-greats to back before the potato famine, then don't bother.

I can confidently declare that 50 out of 50 have gotten their black wool coats lifted from the communal coatrack and have, in turn, lifted someone else's.

Not knowing what Dorrian's was, this sent me on one of those procrastination-fueled googling expeditions that finally resulted in finding out that Robert Chambers's ex-girlfriend is now an actress who played one of Julia Louis-Dreyfus's nemeses on her recently canceled sitcom (yes I watched it – don't judge me). The more you know.

I half expect Imette St. Guillen on this list.

Predictions:

Kingsley Crawford, Harry William Cyphers IV, Leckie Roberts, and Madison Calvert will end up in the duck pond.
Victoria Alfred-Smythe and Chase Rowan will conspire to abscond with a set of memorial golf clubs from the Twelfth Leffingwell Open Arms Invitational.
Taylor Alexandra Karns will not arrive, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving her best Pucci clutch and what she thought was the neighbor's Maine coon cat.
Brynne Ashton will disappear behind the pergola with Jaxon Reilly. She will not be seen until the following morning, wearing a different skirt and a look of ill-concealed disappointment.
Ashton Abbot and Zachary Logan Gould will also be forced to send their regrets, due to preexisting obligations involving their mutual aunt's second-best cow creamer.
Devon Claire and Wynn Smith, competing for the affections of one Olivia Thacher, will be responsible for $2,500 in damages and the loss of a small outbuilding while demonstrating how to mix a Blue Blazer.
Thomas Burroughs Babcock (of the Burroughs adding machine fortune) will be shunned due to his common roots.
Bradford S Beckerman and Zachary James Fraser, still hung over from their early-morning boating excursion, will mistake a six-man team from the Yale rowing crew for waitstaff, leading to eventual hilarity.
Hunter Merghart, Jordan Winters Brock, and Nils Vanderlip will get competitive over the table-tennis trophies.
Packy Burke will corral someone's uncle in the corner the entire night.
In a poor display of sportsmanship and social-climbing, Thorson Rockwell will attempt to demonstrate how a traditional buzkashi grip might be adapted to a polo swing. A small side-table mirror, and much of Blake T. Davis's dignity, will be the only casualties.
Anne de la Mothe Karoubi and Emery Holton will surreptitiously feed all of their braised sweetbread amuse-bouche to Lisa Pilkington Brown's Papillon "Frenchie". "Frenchie" will become first happy, then explosively ill.
Craig Bradley Gibson Jr. and Jack Fennebresque will find that the sobriquet "Fennebresque" is earned, not bestowed.
Welyn Craig, Megan Thumper Glynn, and Townsend Ambrecht will drink all the Scotch.
Frances Browning Cain and Keeley Weir, best friends since their high-school summers in the Maldives, will find their relationship tested by a surprisingly resistant elevator door.
Tyler Johnson Brock and Margaux Rogers will eventually get that painting off the damn wall. But not tonight. Tonight, they will be satisfied with "borrowing" the bust of Heracleitus from the entryway.
Alexandra Hancock, in the guise of a coat-check girl, will surreptitiously go through everyone's coat pockets.
After a succession of minor silverware-related events, Wetherly Collins and Lindsay Torpey-Cross will not be speaking to eachother.
Oliver Ames, unofficial two-time wrestling champion at Deerfield Academy, will manage to open the elevator door. His efforts will not go unrewarded.
Morgan DeChiel Glasebrook and Reeve Ballard will find the sort of friendship shared only by those few who fall off the dock at low tide.
Briggs Ellwell, inexplicably appearing nearly three-quarters of the way through the party in an authentic British naval officer's uniform, will manage to rouse the flagging spirits of the rest of the guests with one of his famous skits, "being trapped in a corner by Packy Burke." Everyone will agree it was simply hilarious. Good old Briggs.
Peer Pedersen will one-up Thorson Rockwell.
Missie B. Walker will find Brynne Ashton's skirt in a rosebush. She will keep it.
Bodhi Ryan will manage to sell three of her signature fring-ey shawls to her put-upon friends.
Sadly, none of them will survive the Boat Dodger Race through the dining room.
Still later, David Archibald Sparrows will do a terrible thing to Kiely Turgeon with a saucepan.
Trip Todd and Parker William Brickley will leave with the Yale crew.
The next morning, notwithstanding "the third-worst hangover ever," Devon Worthington will manfully nurse "Frenchie" back to health.

There is so much I want to express to Gef, above, but I am afraid that any 'reply' will mar its self-contained perfection. So,

I refuse to believe "Harry William Cyphers IV" is not a new Ghostface alias.

This is my favorite thing on the internet.

Man,any parochial school would have eaten those names alive. If only…

51. Shanice Koolaidea Hydrangea (=token BWASP/designated driver)

Who are 50 people who have never been in my kitchen?