Please Don't Get The Wrong Idea About Our Amazing Output

From time to time, we offer free editorial space to folks from all walks of life who have something to get off their chests. Today we offer a captain of industry the chance to make an important statement about his product, which has sustained some unfortunate damage-through no fault of its own-in the news lately.

I don't have to tell you that I've been a little glum, a little down in the mouth lately. Old friends who used to greet me with rapturous joy and voluminous explosions of pleasure at the very promise of my appearance have started to avoid me. It almost feels like they'd rather be doing anything else than spending time in my presence. It sucks, and not in the good, me, way. And I think we all know who's to blame: that jerk-off Mel Gibson.

It seems almost crazy that I need to come out and make a statement like this, but we live in troubled times, and the rambling ejaculations of even an obvious crazy person-particularly a celebrity-carry undue weight. So here it goes: The views of Mel Gibson in no way reflect the policies or positions of Fellatiotronix or its parent company International Blowjob Machines. We condemn Mr. Gibson's actions and deeply regret any implied association between his continual demands for oral pleasure and our superior product.

I know America is a forgiving country, and I know its people are fair-minded and able to distinguish between the drunken rantings of an abusive anti-Semite and an act of sexiness that many have called "the greatest gift a man can ever receive, particularly if it's in a convertible speeding down the highway on a bright spring day." We are all deeply pained that the blowjob-"the only possible proof that a higher power might exist"-carries the terrible taint bestowed by Mr. Gibson's continual demands for this magical endeavor.

This is why, today, I am asking for all blowjob-loving men and women in this country to do their part in helping to restore "the great American suck" to its rightful place of honor. I need those of you who give the blowjobs to double your efforts: Instead of saying thank you when your man does something nice, give him a blowjob! If you see him watching TV absent-mindedly, surprise him with a blowjob! Does he have an early meeting tomorrow? Turn off the alarm clock and wake him with a blowjob! As for you recipients, you need to pitch in as well. Everytime you get a blowjob, I want you to say, "Thanks for that great blowjob! I sure do love blowjobs! Blowjobs are perfect, and should not be associated with anything but mindblowing amazingness! More blowjobs, please! But only if you feel like it, I would never force a blowjob!"

I think if we all pull and tug and lick and suck together we can totally come through this okay. I appreciate your assistance in this matter. And, hey, what are you waiting for? Why not go blow someone right now? A friend, a lover, maybe even that special blogger who has made a place in your heart (and mouth). It doesn't matter who, just go out and give that blowjob. It'll feel good to make a difference. It'll feel so very, very good.

Appreciatively,

Charles Ocksuck
President
Fellatiotronix

P.S. Breathe through your nose!

Charles Ocksuck has two thumbs.